It's been mentioned before about Leading. It's also been mentioned that I should NOT pursue the divorce (home sale, SEp AGreement, etc); let her do the hard stuff.
I came across this VVVVV elsewhere and would like some opinions.
Originally Posted By: Chuck66
If my wife wants a S because the D is taking to long do I ask her how many boxes I need to get for her stuff? Do I purchase said boxes? Do I remind her that our auto insurance is almost due in a month or two and I will have to remove her from my policy and it will no longer have the multi-car discount?
Originally Posted By: Puppy
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.
(My response to PDT in the other thread-also for clarity to the other readers)
Not to sound dumb, but in my mind (and sitch) since WAW's generally feet-drag, all of the above would require LBS to initiate contact. In my case, I just packed all her stuff. She still doesn't know it's all neatly piled in boxes in the garage.
So should I initiate the contact to: -get "us" out of our truck lease and have her make arrangements to get her own vehicle? -call insurance company to call her to set up her own insurance (or tell W to call them)?
Yeah it is sometimes tough to swallow - easy to do when things appear to be 'going our way', but so much harder when they apparently aren't.
The reason we miss it is because it is so simple. Seemingly too simple.
When you really take a look at it - what is already IS. It already exists. So any fighting is actually fighting against reality. That's insanity.
So our sitch's already ARE, what is happening already IS, so why do we fight it? Why do we even bother attempting to project out into the future at all? It's an impossible thing but we do it anyway. Preparation is good, but I'm talking about the kind of thinking which attempts to predict where everything is ultimately heading.
It's all just silly.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
In this case, the boat is already moving. There is no "time machine button" so we have to deal with what IS. Paddling upstream is pointless. Just try to navigate wisely; keep your eyes OUT on the water; and look for a nice place to work your way over to and have a look. Maybe camp there for the night. But you gotta get back on the water in the morning. Every day.
So should I initiate the contact to: -get "us" out of our truck lease and have her make arrangements to get her own vehicle? -call insurance company to call her to set up her own insurance (or tell W to call them)?
yes yes yes --as in Puppy
These are common sense approaches to protect yourself financially. I am not sure if you can get out of the truck lease without a large penalty at the end. Is there any way you can take over the lease yourself and remove W's name on the lease? After all you do need your own transportation. I am not sure how many cars/trucks you have at the moment. If you can take over the lease yourself, just need to make that call to the insurance company yourself and notify them that you will be the sole policy holder. May need to sign some documents to the effect.
Go and make these calls yourself to find out what your options are before contacting the W. Get educated about the process.
We are only 1k upside down on the truck. I can pay my 500 and she can build hers into the next vehicle.
I know which vehicle she "should get" and looked at her choice as well. Know the paments and how to justify it to her. But let her qualify and make the credit app. I'll just have to sign off on the truck trade in
My concern here is she overcommits on a vehicle because she doesn't know she's looking at a debt if we D (see below)
Insurance is no problem other than the fact the house is still joint. But she should get her own insurance. The increase will crush her financially.
But that's not a consequence of MY decision.
That will make her push on the house sale.
And it's at THAT point that I need the pursue the Sep Agreement (cause she drags) and she'll see her "going away present" is a debt, not a cash prize.
Worst case is she returns for financial reasons.
But again, that's my decisioin.
Thanks, Wonka
So to be clear I am to contact HER and start the ball? Tell her to call XXX at dealership and XXX at insurance. Also explain that I will adjust her monthly obligation on the joint account when the insurance comes off my bill.
I read your long post about needing to let W go and go through her own journey while you are fighting your own internal doubts about wanting the M to work or not. As Steady indicated to you, it is what IT IS. You have no control over what W does or does not do; however, you are in complete control of yourself and your destiny. Make the most of it while W is running around with the OM and his ragtag gang.
Let's take a realistic look at where things stand:
1) W is still with OM 2) OM is starting school soon 3) They are living with two other adults in a house (not exactly comfortable existence) 4) Their finances are apparently strained
Possibilities down the road:
1) OM starts school in few weeks 2) School work will be the added pressure to OM and W 3) OM will be exposed to the "elements" at school that will divert his attention away from W 4) Fights will ensue between OM and W over this 5) Stress and haggard looks will begin to show up in W's face & body language
This is when you will need to put your best DBing foot forward, bud! Time is a changin'...be quiet and watch. You will need to present a stark contrast to OM when interacting with the W: Mature, experienced, steady, humorous (hint, hint), cool, calm and collected. Do not forget the odd new shirt, new shoes now and then to unsettle W with your changes.
How is the house makeover coming along? Still putting on your own personal stamp to the house with YOUR stuff?
And it's at THAT point that I need the pursue the Sep Agreement (cause she drags) and she'll see her "going away present" is a debt, not a cash prize.
Do what Pookie has done successfully in the Newcomer's section whenever his W put pressure on the house sale. He told her, "I need to focus on my own priorities that need attention. The house sale is not a high priority." If W pushes and persists, simply tell her "I am sorry that you feel this way. You are going have to make the contacts yourself." Keep reminding yourself that the onus is on W to do the leg work.
Then sit back and watch.
As for the truck, I would not contact W until you resolve the insurance issue yourself and see if you can take over the lease. I do not see the urgency in this matter at the moment. If possible, I'd wait until after OM starts his school year to gauge where things will move.
Thanks, Wonka. nice to get your objective view on this again.
I see what you mean. It's odd that I haven't heard boo all week from her other than the banking issue- which she still hasn't corrected. She'll get a "reminder" today.
House is all clean. No "family" or "couple" photos. Just D.
Candles and such are gone.
I haven't put up any of MY stuff yet but it's coming.
May rearrange the kitchen to put coffee machine, etc more upfront.
If the bank comes through today, I'll do a bedding change and enlist a female friend or sister to assist with some clothes shopping next week.
I'm cleaning out/minimizing my wardrobe. I have too much stuff I'll never wear/old style and/or doesn't fit anymore.
Smaller inventory will mean about half my clothes will be new!!
"I need to focus on my own priorities that need attention. The house sale is not a high priority." If W pushes and persists, simply tell her "I am sorry that you feel this way. You are going have to make the contacts yourself." Keep reminding yourself that the onus is on W to do the leg work.
Ok. Leave it alone.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
As for the truck, I would not contact W until you resolve the insurance issue yourself and see if you can take over the lease. I do not see the urgency in this matter at the moment.
I have my own vehicles. Mine. I have no need for the truck. It was purchasd as "the family" vehicle. I don't need the payment; don't want to pay my share anymore; she needs to cut her costs too. Though it will save her some money, it'll be a drop in her standards and STILL not enough savings for her to get ahead. Plus, regardless of the endgame, truck has to go. However, any savings in the truck for her will be eaten by the insurance if she's off my policy. But I'm still ahead.
Time is a changin'...be quiet and watch. You will need to present a stark contrast to OM when interacting with the W: Mature, experienced, steady, humorous (hint, hint), cool, calm and collected. Do not forget the odd new shirt, new shoes now and then to unsettle W with your changes.