Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

You need to think and not be so feeling right now. It's how she plays you like a fiddle. I am not saying don't show compassion, empathy and don't love her. You need to be strong. She is going this use this episode to her advantage.

Thanks Coach. If I wanted to show compassion, empathy and love for her right now, still remain strong, and not let her use this episode to her advantage... how would I do that?

[pinhead]

I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm starting to become numb to it all really. Is what I'm about to describe normal?

Yesterday the MC asked me why I wanted to be married to my W. I paused for a second and thought about it really hard. I rattled off a few things, but that we were ultimately always able to come back together again after hardships, and I valued her as a partner and wife and I loved her.

I've been thinking alot about that statement. And, frankly, I'm starting to think about if my W is the right person for me given she's done all she has to hurt me. I know I am changing, maybe not as quickly as her or I wish I was, but I am. She really isn't. She's still that person who hurt me very much that I keep coming back to.

If it weren't for my S4, I probably would have asked her to leave by now so we could have some space. But, I want to maintain my family as a whole.

I'm just starting to feel so lost. None of my needs are being met in this R right now and it is very painful to remain here day after day where I'm continually reminded that none of my needs are even close to being met. Maybe it's just today and how I feel, but as I write this I'm in tears. Maybe it's just a bad day today and I need to pick myself up tomorrow. I don't know... I just feel so unloved and unappreciated.

Truth be told, I never really resented my W for what she did, but now I'm starting to. And I know that if I am starting to feel that, her resentment is only getting stronger. How do I stop that from growing? It's like I'm slowly starting to hate her for showing no remourse or change who she is. I love my W, and I don't want to resent her - I love her for God's sake!

So why am I starting to feel this way? Is it that I'm just coming out of my LBS fog that was making me "try" so hard I was blinded and forgot about myself, and when the fog lifted I realized there is nothinng for me?

I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know if today was just a rough day or what.

John,

We're both at the same stage with our wives. We're tired as hell of all the "work" we feel we've done, and our wives don't realize that they need to do some "work" as well to make the R work. In their minds, they've already put in the time while we were neglecting them, and any actions they've done in the past are justified.

Not seeing any real "progress" makes it harder. Being a glorified roommate just accentuates how bad our relationship is right now.

I feel the same fatigue and numbness you do; the same doubts about why I should be in this relationship. We're trying so hard not to make a mistake, not to blow things. The pressure we're putting on ourselves is way too high.

That's why the GAL is sooooo important now. When my wife reacted negatively to me when I mentioned swing dancing last night, I got defensive, and put the idea on the back burner. Now I think I might go check the place out tonight by myself while she has movie night with our daughters. Or I'll go work out at the gym. Gotta find a way to release some pressure or you'll blow.

[Coach]

You need to think and not be so feeling right now. It's how she plays you like a fiddle. I am not saying don't show compassion, empathy and don't love her. You need to be strong. She is going this use this episode to her advantage.

Thanks Coach. If I wanted to show compassion, empathy and love for her right now, still remain strong, and not let her use this episode to her advantage... how would I do that?

I see her escalating this, what she is doing is a form of emotional blackmail. If you draw a boundary I can see her threatening to kill herself. The threat is what will keep you in line. I would talk to a IC or a DB coach. There probably is some underlying feelings of guilt and depression but she doesn't know how to cope with the feelings in a healthy way. I would get outside help.

[Steve McQueen]

She said, "I don't want to come home. I'm so depressed." I asked her again, what is going on. She said that she's been sitting in the car since she got there crying and she hasn't even gone inside.

might want to put a key logger on your computer and find out what she is torn between.

[Coach]

She said, "I don't want to come home. I'm so depressed." I asked her again, what is going on. She said that she's been sitting in the car since she got there crying and she hasn't even gone inside.

might want to put a key logger on your computer and find out what she is torn between.

Check the computer. Without real intel she is going to make you think you are the crazy one.

She's going to play the victim card on you.

Don't be a ostrich.

[john28]

She said, "I don't want to come home. I'm so depressed." I asked her again, what is going on. She said that she's been sitting in the car since she got there crying and she hasn't even gone inside.

might want to put a key logger on your computer and find out what she is torn between.

Check the computer. Without real intel she is going to make you think you are the crazy one.

She's going to play the victim card on you.

Don't be a ostrich.

I've specifically said that I would not do that to her. I have done it in the past and been caught. She has explicitly said that if I ever do that it is over because that is one of her boundaries. She has given transparency.

I really just think the stress is getting to her.

[Steve McQueen]

one of her boundaries is she is allowed to cheat on you behind your back?

thats a sweet deal.

[Coach]

She has explicitly said that if I ever do that it is over because that is one of her boundaries.

How can that be her boundary? She cheats on you multiple times and then tells you that you are out of line?

If you have transparency then go check the computer and phone.

You can't can you? because she's playing the victim and you let her.

What do you think she was doing in the "parking lot" for a couple of hours? You need real answers to hard questions.

[PMA_Baby!]

I think you should go back and read Kevin4Dallas thread. YOU are sounding just like him.

He kept on doing is own thing and ignoring all of our advice. After about 2 years he finally figured it out. Hopefully YOU will too.

Until YOU decide to BREAK THE CODEPENDENT R YOU GUYS R IN. YOU are doomed to repeat. YOU talk about how strong you used to be when you were single. What changed? I sure haven't seen it. You both sound very insecure and needy. Coach nailed it with the "father figure" role you are playing. She definitely has issues to work on.

Unfortunately, YOU are going to find yourself alone on this thread very quickly.

Good Luck.

PMA

[john28]

PMA - you're right. I have to break the cycle, or we'll just inevitably repeat it.

Went home for lunch and took you guy's advice. I check all her stuff, she's clean.

She asked me when I was leaving if I went through her phone, I actually didn't. She said "are you sure"? I said, yes, I am sure I did not go through you're phone. She said, "I'm not doing anything!"

I replied with, "Frankly, I don't care anymore if you are." = letting go of control. It felt good to say that.

And she seemed dumbfounded. Then I left for work.