Once SHE is convinced that you REALLY will give her what she wants.. (OUT) is when you can make some progress...
Go back and read again entire thread from Officer in Need..
He was doing the same silly things you keep trying and doing.. He kept getting the same results you are.. NONE...
You know what people say about people who keep on trying and trying the same things and getting the same results and yet hope for a different one?
When OIN FINALLY listened to ME... YES me... If finally turned back around in his favor. They are NOW reconciling. Thinking about having a baby. On the road to mending a relationship that IF he would have continued on the way he was going was going to destroy any last hope he had of saving it.... (think about that.. because that is YOU right now too)
It was ONLY when he finally told her this.. "WS, I finally get it... You don't love me the way a woman should love her man. I keep trying to win your love and you don't really love me back and are NOT in love with me. I finally get it.. I don't know what has taken me so long.. Guess I need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 sometimes. Well WS, I DO get it now. I am going to stop trying to win you back. I am going to stop trying to show you how much I love you. Matter of fact I don't know how I feel about you anymore either. I agree that this isn't going to work between us because I want to be with a woman who I love and with one who loves me back. It obviously isn't you."
And THEN you follow through on that promise... She has NOW finally felt heard. This is when you MAY get your chance. stop trying the "method of the day" and stick to what works.
And how do I live in limbo while she takes her sweet time leaving? That's what's been making me insane. Everyone says to "lead." But with all the posters on this site, there's a huge amount of mixed messages and advice.
Do I just need to suck it up while I'm in limbo? Do I pressure her to go, though I really have no leverage? I tried to have her leave last weekend, and it fell apart; caused way more damage than expected.
I'm not expecting the MC to wave a magic wand either. If he says we should separate, it's a done deal.
ph - this sounds like you are letting a third party control a very important life decision. You need to keep in mind what YOU want. Are YOU happy? Are YOU being the kind of person you want to be in relationship? That is the only way you can find out if THIS marriage is the right marriage for you.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
This also holds true for the marriage counseling...
If after you give her your "I finally get it speech".. She could very well say something to you like...
"Well I thought YOU wanted to go to counseling. I TOLD you I was willing to try."...
(this is how they normally respond when YOU finally show them you have given up (or let go or whatever word or phrase you want to call it)....
You THEN have to do this if she says something like that...
"Well WS, I know that is what you said,but I FEEL as if you didn't really mean it sincerely and I finally realize that you were only doing it for me because you probably felt sorry for me because you thought you were hurting me. That isn't good enough for me anymore. How pathetic of me not to see that before. I remember you even said and joke all the time "how you married your "stalker".. I must have been in a fog or a bubble to not see this sooner.. It was me always loving you and you never really loved me the way you wanted to love a man. I will NOT live that way anymore,nor should you. I doubt counseling will work if we both are not totaly going for the right reasons"...
I'm not happy with how things are now. I wasn't happy with how things were before, in the last several years. Not unhappy enough to leave, but I felt powerless to change things.
I'm happy with most things in my life except how I'm handling this situation. I'm in the best health I've ever been in, I have good friends who care about me, I have two daughters I love. My faith is becoming stronger every day. I'm reconnecting with a lot of hobbies and activities that I used to enjoy.
But with my W, it's all messed up. I would like to be a flirty, fun, active person WITH my wife, but I can't right now. The dancing was a perfect example; I think that would be really fun to do together. But that whole part of my life is in limbo, on hold. I can be fun, I can be flirty, but she really doesn't want to do anything with me other than family stuff with the girls.
As Gucci says, she wants to go. And is making it very clear that being with just me is not what she wants to do.
And how do I live in limbo while she takes her sweet time leaving? That's what's been making me insane. Everyone says to "lead." But with all the posters on this site, there's a huge amount of mixed messages and advice.
How interesting that you have no issue how to pursue and stalk, but yet can't see that the same personality traits you use to stalk and pursue can be used to "keep you from limbo".
You STALK her out of the house.. Keep pursuing THAT issue...
A new "what can I do to get her out of the house" of the day program... One day nagging her to leave.. The next day showing her a great place you have found for her with low rent and great location.. the next day subtle hints.. Your foucs changes from how can I pursue today to "how do I get her out of the house the sooner" routine... You seem to be good at focusing on keeping her.. Change that focus on getting her out.. You will be amazed at the things you can come up with to get them to leave.Take a couple of pages out of the WS playbook.. It wokrs for THEM...
Stop playing the victim in all of this PH.. You know what to do. You just refuse to do it.
And how do I live in limbo while she takes her sweet time leaving? That's what's been making me insane. Everyone says to "lead." But with all the posters on this site, there's a huge amount of mixed messages and advice.
How interesting that you have no issue how to pursue and stalk, but yet can't see that the same personality traits you use to stalk and pursue can be used to "keep you from limbo".
You STALK her out of the house.. Keep pursuing THAT issue...
A new "what can I do to get her out of the house" of the day program... One day nagging her to leave.. The next day showing her a great place you have found for her with low rent and great location.. the next day subtle hints.. Your foucs changes from how can I pursue today to "how do I get her out of the house the sooner" routine... You seem to be good at focusing on keeping her.. Change that focus on getting her out.. You will be amazed at the things you can come up with to get them to leave.Take a couple of pages out of the WS playbook.. It wokrs for THEM...
Stop playing the victim in all of this PH.. You know what to do. You just refuse to do it.
You get to choose how you handle things. Your wife is watching you. Your kids are watching you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hold On To Your N.U.Ts has a great section about ditching the little boy inside of each of us. I think that's why I'm clinging so hard to this "marriage." Like a little boy, I want what I want, regardless of how life really is.
So I give her the "I finally get it" speech tonight, and she responds as Gucci thinks with the "I thought you wanted to go to counseling" spiel. She's already sold me once on the counseling, how will I know if it's any different? Does MC even matter at this point? I'd hate to throw away her willingness to go to MC just because I'm an impatient, unbalanced loon...
From another. "A cups vs. C Cups." Turned into a couple of LBW's discussing their breast size and nipple sensitivity.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
Quote:
I will tell you how to keep from drowning. Dive down, embrace it ... perplexed ... the sea will spit you up.
Update: drop the rope. just do it. it is the most liberating and mind freeing thing you can do on this adventure. I have realized, as in my previous analogy, that I have been in love with a memory. not in the act nor the person, but in a memory of a feeling that I once felt. however, years and years of life and emotional distance have eroded and stripped away the meaning of those feelings until one day I woke up to realized that they had been bulldozed away just like the pond.
one thing i have noticed about woman is they have a 'sense' and even though you think you are being the sneakiest mother f***er there is they know exactly what is going down. unlike so many men that fall for the I am going over to my mothers or its only girls night out, you can't pull that on a woman. they know damn well you are not going to see your momma and that men really dont make any special plans to hang out with the guys.
that said, the social interaction meetings. there have been a couple since I started posting about this. I wont go into details but I am certain they are hitting a nerve with the wife. at first she was curious, then a bit of anger (an understatement), and now I am the recipient of this attempt at friendship that I have not seen in quite some time. who would have guessed. Its too soon to tell though. Historically, She is the one who initiates the crises and I have a tendency of being sucked into her drama, over and over. I think for now it is better to let this play out and see how much she is willing to commit to correcting this dysfunctional marriage.
odder, a female friend of mine, whose daughter is friends with mine, whose son is a friend with mine, who I have known, her and her husband, for some time and never considered more than a 'buddy,' although she has expressed concerned of my wifes MLC and the roller coaster I have been on, is the one exhibiting jealousy over this new social acquaintance. I never would have figured on this. never taught my company was all that important and valued. goes without saying, oh the pain; I am hurting. LOL.
Honestly, I'm really starting to wonder what goes through the mind of lonely women.
Now for the good stuff. where have I been? a friend of mine races sail boats and one of his crewmen broke his leg with a couple races left in the season, which they are committed to. So, I have been receiving a crash coarse in sailing and moreso just waiting for locks as the yacht is being moved around the ***** lakes. Which is interesting in itself since I have a serious fear of death by water.
Steve McQueen
Quote:
Maybe we should set it up like the Dating Game. Bachelor #1, 2 and 3 -- ha!
oh, I definitely be around a bit more now. Time to get back on the divorce busting track :-)
