To Tell or Not to Tell

[LRT Land]

I know this may sound a little odd but I really love all of you! I hardly told anyone that H hired a lawyer and wanted to D me, and without this site I would have felt so lost and alone. Now I have this new wrinkle, or blessing, depending on your perspective.

I did tell H last night. I told him I had something to share but was afraid to tell him. I asked him to please not yell or blame me. I went through my thought process yesterday and the tests and told him I was going for the blood test today. He, as I expected, focused on the very negative things that could happen. That is his modus operandi - he alwyas leans toward the negative so I anticipated that. I didn't get the sense he would embrace having a second child at all as he was very focused on disabilities as well as his age. We won't have results back until early next week, and by then I'll have a better read on his true feelings after he has sat with it a while, which is why I decided to share it with him last night.

I was happy that despite the news he still cuddled with me last night and slept in the bedroom. I am a little worried that there may be a backlash in the next couple of days, but I can't control that - just stand by my boundaries as I've always tried to do with him.

When I first realized I might be pg I too was concerned about the disability issue but even moreso the impact it would have on my M. Today I swear I have been seeing little kids and babies everywhere. I am reluctant to embrace the pg without H's support and with the looming miscarriage rate for my age hanging out there. I did a search on line and most sites indicate it is "virtually impossible" for a woman over 45 to become pg with her own eggs. I've always been a nonconformist!

I plan on talking to my doctor about next steps and all the concerns that I have. Just as when I learned about the potential D, I need to collect facts and information. Knowledge is power - or it is at least somewhat comforting.

As for 46 being the new 36, I remember when I was pg at 40 my reproductive age came out as 30, so maybe Puppy is right - yet I have to say it has taken this long for me to get back my energy and hormone balance, which is still whacked but obviously improved enough to get me pg.

H raised the issue that he feels I have all the control in this situation as even if he disagrees with what should be done I can do whatever I want. This is his low self-esteem talking. I have no idea where he is going to land. I think I am reaching a point where I can accept whatever happens, sort of like where I was with my M. So less stressed today but still feeling a bit like I landed in Oz.