I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm starting to become numb to it all really. Is what I'm about to describe normal?
Yesterday the MC asked me why I wanted to be married to my W. I paused for a second and thought about it really hard. I rattled off a few things, but that we were ultimately always able to come back together again after hardships, and I valued her as a partner and wife and I loved her.
I've been thinking alot about that statement. And, frankly, I'm starting to think about if my W is the right person for me given she's done all she has to hurt me. I know I am changing, maybe not as quickly as her or I wish I was, but I am. She really isn't. She's still that person who hurt me very much that I keep coming back to.
If it weren't for my S4, I probably would have asked her to leave by now so we could have some space. But, I want to maintain my family as a whole.
I'm just starting to feel so lost. None of my needs are being met in this R right now and it is very painful to remain here day after day where I'm continually reminded that none of my needs are even close to being met. Maybe it's just today and how I feel, but as I write this I'm in tears. Maybe it's just a bad day today and I need to pick myself up tomorrow. I don't know... I just feel so unloved and unappreciated.
Truth be told, I never really resented my W for what she did, but now I'm starting to. And I know that if I am starting to feel that, her resentment is only getting stronger. How do I stop that from growing? It's like I'm slowly starting to hate her for showing no remourse or change who she is. I love my W, and I don't want to resent her - I love her for God's sake!
So why am I starting to feel this way? Is it that I'm just coming out of my LBS fog that was making me "try" so hard I was blinded and forgot about myself, and when the fog lifted I realized there is nothinng for me?
I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know if today was just a rough day or what.
John,
We're both at the same stage with our wives. We're tired as hell of all the "work" we feel we've done, and our wives don't realize that they need to do some "work" as well to make the R work. In their minds, they've already put in the time while we were neglecting them, and any actions they've done in the past are justified.
Not seeing any real "progress" makes it harder. Being a glorified roommate just accentuates how bad our relationship is right now.
I feel the same fatigue and numbness you do; the same doubts about why I should be in this relationship. We're trying so hard not to make a mistake, not to blow things. The pressure we're putting on ourselves is way too high.
That's why the GAL is sooooo important now. When my wife reacted negatively to me when I mentioned swing dancing last night, I got defensive, and put the idea on the back burner. Now I think I might go check the place out tonight by myself while she has movie night with our daughters. Or I'll go work out at the gym. Gotta find a way to release some pressure or you'll blow.
