Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself. I'm guessing that I should be nice and show her, but I always seem to do the wrong thing, so I thought I'd ask for advice.
Offer to mow the lawn for her for the next couple weeks. This way you get to spend an extra night with the kids, and she might even invite you in for dinner or bring you a glass of sweet tea.
Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself. I'm guessing that I should be nice and show her, but I always seem to do the wrong thing, so I thought I'd ask for advice.
Offer to mow the lawn for her for the next couple weeks. This way you get to spend an extra night with the kids, and she might even invite you in for dinner or bring you a glass of sweet tea.
Really? Isn't this the opposite of what Coach just told me?
I think Steve's suggestion is guerrilla warefare. Look like a peasant to outflank the enemy. Yes, you give up a little ground on the "let her sink or swim" line, but the little bit of help you give her actually gets you more ground on the "cementing positive relationships with the bambinos line" It's a strategic trade off
You could go either way and be right in my view.
However, Summer's almost over. You probably worked hard all year keeping your lawn looking good. Don't let her mangle it now. 1) You might get the house back. 2) if you have to sell, it will go faster with a nice looking lawn. 3) If she keeps the house, by next Summer, you'll have 50% custody and she'll have plenty of time to bitch and moan about having to learn lawn maintenance all by herself. Boo Hoo
Just my $.02
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Really? Isn't this the opposite of what Coach just told me?
pretty much.
my son started playing little loop football. And I was making fun of one of his little buddies' mom cause her feet were green from mowing the lawn wearing flip flops. The little kid kept asking "when is dad going to show up." It was there 1st scrimmage against a team from another town. The mom didnt have an answer. The boy asked him mom the same question, "when is dad going to show up" every water break.
The dad finally shows up and him and his ex-wife start fighting. Got to the point the girl realized she had to walk away so they could argue with eachother where noone could hear.
Scrimmage ends and they are still arguing. I ended up taking him to the snack bar with my son for pizza, pop, icees and to talk about all the "great" plays and hits they made. Then threw the ball around till the mom came back crying.
The chick didn't need to have green feet. The kid could have used a little extra practice. And Steve wanted an extra slice and ain't planning on doing any weed whacking.
Moral of the story: less time spent arguing with your wife the more time to spend with your kids.
Also, do I teach her how to use the lawn tractor or let her suffer through trying to figure it out herself. I'm guessing that I should be nice and show her, but I always seem to do the wrong thing, so I thought I'd ask for advice.
Offer to mow the lawn for her for the next couple weeks. This way you get to spend an extra night with the kids, and she might even invite you in for dinner or bring you a glass of sweet tea.
Really? Isn't this the opposite of what Coach just told me?
I would like to strongly suggest that you do as coach says, Treat her like a cat. Be catnip.
Let her deal with the lawn...Until SHE brings it up.
Then you PRACTICE your LISTENING and validation (and/or agree) skills but do not rescue....
W: "Bla bla bla the lawn Bla bla bla" H: "You are right about the lawn" W: "Bla bla bla" H: "I see" or "I understand" or "that must be hard" ....
Responsibilities are going to shift all around....and balance themselves out with a 50/50 parenting plan....
Pick up new responsibilities and wait till she asks for help...then DB.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
... but otherwise I am an a$$hole, as she is walking away. I said Fock You! She then left to go for a walk....
I thought I was the only body cavity...LOL
Some choices for other responses other than "Fock You"
"I understand you think I am an a$$hole" "I am sorry you think I am an a$$hole" laugh.... "I can see you are angry right now, I will talk with you later if you can be civil...."
It is important to RESPOND and not react...
Prepare for the next time....
I would also like to suggest that you take time to FORGIVE your W. Feel all the anger (out of her presence) and then let it go...Helps to prevent reactions and lets you respond.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
not to be a richard, but that is recommending more of the same behavior. Recall the letter.
Quote:
I felt I wasn't worthy of your help during the day, patience, listening, talking, doing things as a family,
you need to show her you changed. and every minute with her and the kids is precious. or else someone else will be mowing her lawn and tossing a football with your boy on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend and she'll be staring out the window wondering why didn't Dan do that.
The arguing over money and threats about who is getting the house and kids didnt do you any good. Realize the third times is NOT always the charm.
not to be a richard, but that is recommending more of the same behavior. Recall the letter.
Quote:
I felt I wasn't worthy of your help during the day, patience, listening, talking, doing things as a family,
you need to show her you changed. and every minute with her and the kids is precious. or else someone else will be mowing her lawn and tossing a football with your boy on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend and she'll be staring out the window wondering why didn't Dan do that.
The arguing over money and threats about who is getting the house and kids didnt do you any good. Realize the third times is NOT always the charm.
btw the above story is true.
Thanks Steve, I do appreciate the perspective. I did mow the lawn though!!
I am having trouble figuring out how to be her friend, but not really her friend, which I told her would happen if we got divorced. She seems to want to talk with me and things are generally pleasant and even fun when we do, but then she always reverts back to getting divorced anyway, so I don't feel like being her friend will help. I mean it would be very easy to do, but that is not what I want. I don't want to be only her friend. I need to have a more intimate relationship.
When I started to do all the things she complained about, then that was too much for her to handle too. I was "smothering" her. Another woman also told me recently that when she complained to her husband and he started doing all the stuff, it made her feel worse about the situation, like she couldn't handle it or something, even though he is just trying to help. Why can't these damn women just tell us what they want us to do? Things would be so much easier. I want to do it, I just can't read her mind, especially when she sends mixed or intentionally incorrect signals.
I just don't know. I think I am going to go with Coach's advice for now and see how things go. That doesn't mean I can't help her in a couple of weeks if things haven't progressed much in that time.
It might not make sense to you but I can sort of see how your W (or anybody really) can have a tough time with totally different behavior.
It is amazing that you really took her "complaints" to heart and listened and want to rectify things. But going from one extreme to another is quite a bit to handle.
My H did nothing. I foolishly took care of EVERYTHING (the finances, the housework, the planning, the errands and so on). That is how it was in his parents marriage too. I actually don't think I fully realized how much I took on until he was gone. As a single person now I still have to do those things. And yes, from time to time it would be nice to have some relief. But guess what? When somebody offers me relief, wants to lend a hand or any other kind gesture I sort of feel VERY trapped very fast. It is sort of like going from one extreme to the other.
I realize the dynamic of husband and wife is very different than "new people" but when you feel like you (general you) have taken care of so many things for so long and all of a sudden there is a radical change it can feel smothering. Not smothering as in you don't appreciate it the gesture but more smothering like "wow, I have to really learn how to accept things".
I have a new friend that is very, very nice. Sometimes I have to stop myself from freaking out like a crazy person when he doe something nice. In my mind I think... OMG, get out of business I can do this myself like I always have! It's not from lack of gratitude it's just a huge shift for me and one that makes things "different".
This probably isn't the best articulation. I guess what I am saying (as far as gestures go) when things are one way for a long time you sort of adapt. When "unfamiliar gestures" (while lovely) start to happen it can be, well, foreign.
I understand, but then I guess I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do, but it didn't help. Just made things worse.
I guess this maybe underscores the fact that I just let her go until she asks for help. The only problem with that is she never asked before either. When I questioned her why she didn't ask for help, her response was "I shouldn't have to."
Thanks for the input CG and everyone else. I'll keep you all posted.
