Newer Game- Moving Forward

[Wonka]

*slapping your back* Hey, Bud...it's ok to backslide occasionally. Don't get too down in your own pity party, dude. This is a rough ride indeed. Maybe later tonight take D out for ice cream after playing in the playground to pick up your own spirits and have some quality time with D. Invite a friend or family member to tag along if so inclined.

[LanceSijan]

Lance...geez, can't you keep a secret that I have a Multiple Personality Disorder?!! cool Puppy comes out only when ChocolateEyes is in a gracious mood.

Just keeding, CD! I keed! I am a keeder!!!

You don't know all the secrets I know!

[CD Bear]

Hey, W.

Ironically, it wasn't really a PP. More an introspective look at where I am right now and I was questioning my motives last night.

In essence, I was almost worried that you and Missherlove specifically were right and that W's A would implode sooner than later.

So before you say "You're getting ahead of yourself again" hear me out.

My mind immediately went to a hopeful state when I heard again of the imminent implosion. But my thoughts turned to "would I take her (more appropriately LET her)back in." Clearly, if she was willing to do the work, I'd be as selfish as she if I refused to at least explore the possibility of rebuilding our family/M. That's why I'm here, right?

So, now I'm struck by this thought. There is no way I have done enough work on me and internalized it for permanence. I can't correct years of bad habits in four months.

Granted, W would need 6 months of withdrawal to even be close to capable of "working' on anything.

But then I think something weirder. Do I actually NEED the affair to go on longer in order for me to be ready? And the more time that goes by, the more different I'll be. No way I can answer the question of whether I'd accept her back from wherever this journey leads me. yeah, odd thought alright.

So now I'm really concerned that the initial hope indicates that I was DB'ing to get her back and this tells me that it was no more than another "quick fix" rather than a solution. I did this in every "discussion" she and I had about the M. She would complain; I would defend/deflect and placate/promise just to stop the complaints/criticisms. Failed to truly LISTEN and/or validate. Or follow through.(see ACT) The fact I SEE that speaks volumes.

But it also tells me that at this point I'd quickly regress to the old habits and I'd be right back here next year.

So, the point was that NOW I REALLY have to work on me. And so I've started journalling out my personal tasks as far as "things to corect" and "behaviours to address".

Start practicing-
1 Boundaries- state them; hold and adjust/RE-state as required.
(they are useless if nobdy knows them)
2 Treating others as they deserve to be treated-call them on chit
(expect and appreciate the reverse!)
3 Listening 'completely'-shut OFF my internal dialog/answers
(e.g. What should I ask rather than 'tell'?)
4 Expressing my own feelings w/out defending them. They're mine.
(I'm entitled to them. The feeling behind the emotion)
5 Asking myself WHY I have those feelings-tells me what?
6 Accepting other's feelings without personlizing/judging.
(Those are their feelings. Did I contribute?)
7 Understanding that W has her own journey to make.
(Can't fix; stop; explain; or talk her through it. HERS!)
8 Leading through ACTION is all I can do. For ME, D2 and anyone
else (including W)I come across in life.

That's not where I intended to go with this but that's where I ended up.

[CD Bear]

Couple more I missed-

9 I am responsible for my own happiness and self respect
10 I am NOT responsible for the happiness or decisions of others
11 You cannot be a victim if you LEAD!
12 LEADING is by action not words!!
13 No More Mr Nice Guy!!

[Truegritter]

Do I actually NEED the affair to go on longer in order for me to be ready? And the more time that goes by, the more different I'll be. No way I can answer the question of whether I'd accept her back from wherever this journey leads me. yeah, odd thought alright.

NOW

You get what we have been saying.

You are not ready for her to come back.

There is so much of the journey to see.

So much to learn about yourself and your M.

That is why we said you have TIME and it is s gift from your W

I am glad you understand that.

She is learning her own lessons on her own time and you have to let her do that...

I am with the folks here.

Let her have what she wants right now and she will learn what she really wants

Or

Not.

Now could you truly be with someone who hasn't done the work and taken their own journey?

You will only know the answer to that when she is back asking you to.

[steady]

I can't correct years of bad habits in four months.

Yes you can. I've done it many times. You are doing it/have done it.

But then I think something weirder. Do I actually NEED the affair to go on longer in order for me to be ready? And the more time that goes by, the more different I'll be. No way I can answer the question of whether I'd accept her back from wherever this journey leads me. yeah, odd thought alright.

Not too weird CD. I've had those kinds of thoughts many times about my sitch. Maybe she needs to go date and have a few R's, maybe I need to go out and discover to make the changes I need to make, maybe....

Who the hell could possibly know? That's why I've really been focusing on embracing what is as if I've chosen it myself. So hard to do but I can see where I think it will take me...

[CD Bear]

Thanks, Steady.
This one is tough to swallow but it makes good sense

I've really been focusing on embracing what is as if I've chosen it myself

[CD Bear]

Hi Gritter

You get what we have been saying.
You are not ready for her to come back.
There is so much of the journey to see.
So much to learn about yourself and your M.
That is why we said you have TIME and it is s gift from your W
I am glad you understand that.

Maybe by Christmas I'll take a shot at "snatching that pebble from your hand"

She is learning her own lessons on her own time and you have to let her do that...
Let her have what she wants right now and she will learn what she really wants

Or Not.

"Come on, Hunney! There's a Chapters not 4 blocks from where you are!" Keeding, I keed. I'm a keeder.
(Sort of.)

Now could you truly be with someone who hasn't done the work and taken their own journey?
You will only know the answer to that when she is back asking you to.

Well said.

Thanks, Gritter

[LanceSijan]

CD good to see you this morning, you guys stayed up late last night. You are up early. I hope you had a good time.
I enjoyed it too.

[CD Bear]

Hi Lance.
It went later than I expected.
Thunderstorm woke me at 5:30. Can't get back to sleep

Got deep at the end. The other "R" word.

Not really what I needed.