Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

My gut isn't talking to me about what to do regarding a divorce right now. It's still telling me that H will return to me. I'm afraid to let him go because that means I have truly lost him. Logically I know that he's already gone but my emotional side hasn't.

[CityGirl]

I think what so many people have tried to gently point out to you is allowing your emotions to rule your actions will keep you very vested in this pain.

In fact, you are doing the exact same thing as your H. He is acting on "feelings" and "emotions". He feels "in love" with OW. If he was in fact acting on good sense he would have returned some time ago or at the very least NOT began a family before divorcing you.

You are also acting on emotions.

It's understandable that you feel raw I'm just not sure, given the amount of time that has passed, that you have really taken any concrete steps to heal the wound.

What steps will you take over the course of your vacation that will somehow propel you to a different state? It often sounds like you are simply looking at ways to buy more time which really will only extend the pain.

Your emotionally side won't magically catch up. You are going to have to work at it.

[Mystik]

I'm planning on having no contact at all with H while on vacation. If DS chooses to talk to him, that's DS's right. But I don't think DS will be calling his father all that often, if anything it will be H calling him. DS is content to go for days at a time without seeing or speaking to his father.

My hope is that with having no contact I'll be able to heal a bit without having the wound reopened every other day when I see/hear from H and that the time without him pressuring me will help me to sort through all the stuff rolling around in my head.

Probably not the best logic but with having to see him so often it just keeps ripping the wound open again and again.

[kara]

Mystik

I think No Contact will be good for you. You need to seriously detach and get into a healthy mindset.

Letting go in these circumstances is a gift to yourself. No one can tell you to file for D. That is your decision alone. But letting go emotionally and mentally is something you can start to do NOW.

You deserve a man who will treat you with the utmost respect and place you above all other women emotionally, sexually, physically, mentally. It is a sacred thing, really. Can your H do that now ? No. From what I read he simply does not seem capable at this point in time of having a M in the true sense of the world. You need space and time away from him. If he is ever to grow and change this is where you let him go and let him do that . You will grow and change as well.

You can't go back to the same old same old. It can't be a different day, same crap behaviour. Not for you and not for any of us on this Board. Place a high value on yourself, Mystik. You may or may not reconcile. But if you do it will be when HE gets his act together. Not when he condescends to take back the woman who can't live without him.

You (we) don't have to beg or cajole or entreat or plead with anyone to love us. If we do what is it worth? We cannot manipulate or force fidelity or loyalty. They are freely given by someone who has emotional maturity, morailty and an innate sense of what is right and wrong in a M. A lot of these WAS don't get that. They aren't there yet. They may get there but they aren' there yet . Reconciling while they are still out to lunch is begging for trouble. They need to change and show a genuine desire to do work.

Let go. There is nothing more irritating and more of a turn off to a man more than a woman who keeps on clinging after he has told her time and again that he wants out. It took me a while to get this but then it was lie a lightbulb went off. Did you ever have the class nerd or whoever have a crush on you and follow you about when you made it clear that you were just not into him? Wasn't it annoying? When the class nerd suddenly GOT IT and perhaps ditched the glasses and pocket protector for contacts and cool clothes didn't he go up in your estimation?

I am not calling any of us class nerds. Just drawing an analogy.

We all feel your pain. The beautiful thing about this Board is that it is not a bunch of talking heads discussing theorectical situations and mouthing platitudes. We have all lived it and everything we say is said in love because we have been there, done some of that and have the damned T shirts.

You are a beautiful person Mystik and you deserve a lot better now. I will never tell you to file for D because that is your choice alone. But begin to fight for Mystik and leave your H and OW to their own devices.

[kara]

I hope that my post above doesn't convey the impression that I don't appreciate how raw and low you are feeling now because nothing could be further from the truth. I hope you find some time on vacation to do something enjoyable for yourself each day. You need to take good care of yourself and pursue activities that you enjoy. Make sure that you eat well and exercise. It will get better, Mystik. As CG says, you have to work at it but it will get better.

[Susan1Survivor]

I understand how you feel.We sometimes can't see reality because we are so attached and emotional. It isn't easy handling the roller coaster of emotions.

The one thing I truly have taken at face value through these threads is that we cannot hold onto a WAH or WAW. If they want "out", then they will get out no matter how we feel or what we do or what we say. In order to even have a chance at starting a new M, we have to let the old M go.

I know it hurts to hear that.I live it every day, but I know it is true.

Hold on to yourself.

[Susan1Survivor]

Actually, you are on the right track!!! No contact with WAH makes letting go easier.I spent a few days away from WAH and I felt better! Take the time you need to heal.

Love and hugs

[Piano]

Kara, great post above. Thankyou, I needed those words. And Mystik, I've been lurking for some time. I know where you are at. I am also scared (sometimes terrified) of life without WH and am struggling to imagine a new one. I try not to look too far into the future. Give yourself a break, and set small goals - even if it means 30mins in the next hour not thinking about your H.
Courage...

[Mystik]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I agree with Piano, that was a good post that I needed to hear. I know I need to let go of H, I just need to figure out how to let him go without also letting go of my hopes for his return.

[courageous wife]

Hey Mystik

I read somewhere about the difference between hope and expectation...will try to find it and post it to you!

You CAN let go and still have hope...just as we hope everyday about everyday things...ex. smooth commute to work.

You just need to have hope that the future will be good no matter what! Make sense?

So, I need to find that cause I am not very good at explaining!