I do not know whether your EXH is in another R or not. ........................we do have to keep our expectations at zero, and although you have this intuition, it is also somewhat an expectation. I think if he does have an OW it will become obvious as time goes along.
Lance, thank you for this! I hadn't thought of the "no expectations rule" in this way. This is a perspective that I needed to hear.
At the end of the conversation, Jody said that I had gotten to this point with XH because of my PATIENCE. Thought this was an important reminder to everyone AND myself.
This^^^
Thanks for posting your convo with Jody! Very interesting!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Oops, just lost my post...silly me. Thanks for sharing what Jody told you. I want to read it again tomorrow when I'm more awake. Will post again then.
Just a thought....even if H has OW doesn't mean he's happy and content with her. She could be a security for him now as he continues to sort himself out....... Just a thought
Like what Jody said about patience. My DB coach said patience was the greatest asset and anger the greatest enemy in the situation. Cas
CW and SA, thanks for your encouragement and support. I REALLY appreciate it!
Originally Posted By: Cas05
......even if H has OW doesn't mean he's happy and content with her. She could be a security for him now as he continues to sort himself out....... Just a thought
Like what Jody said about patience. My DB coach said patience was the greatest asset and anger the greatest enemy in the situation. Cas
Cas, I agree with what you wrote above. I am watching your situation because it seems we may be in a similar place right now. I read Freckle's most recent thread this afternoon. Interesting to see how their reconnection unfolded over several months.
........so Lance's post (below) made me think about how I might be able to get some of the 'facts' he referred to.
Originally Posted By: LanceSijan
I would keep watching and listening to see if your intuition is correct. You could be wrong. But maybe not. Don't rush to judgement until you have the facts.
Thought I would start out small and try to elicit an email convo with XH to take his emotional temperature. Long story short, XH told me where he is going on vacay/work trip but didn't give me any additional info about the trip. He also told me that he hasn't been feeling well the last couple days (stomach ache and headache ---- might be stress ---- he had symptoms like these during the separation due to stress) and that he is leaving saturday (if he feels well enough), but returning thursday morning..........so that means at most 2 days of fun, since Mon thru Wed most likely involve sales calls. To me that sounds much less like a trip with a new OW.......... He signed several of his emails with the first letter of his name, which was a special little intimate thing we always did (so signing Mr. GAG (full name) was an aberration after all. YEAH!!!!) ............AND.........to top it all off, he sent me a little .avi movie from an iPhone app called 'Talking Tom' in which a cartoon tabby cat speaks a message that the sender recorded. Mr. GAG's message was: "Hello GAG. You're a monkey!" I know that this sounds silly and stupid, but it is the first time in a long time that XH has addressed me by my name (albeit channeled through an animated cartoon tomcat ............AND...this phrase is a sweet, funny, little endearment that he used to say to me a lot when we were really happy together. So all in all, I am feeling better about where XH and I are for the time being. Thanks everyone for helping me to keep from losing my cool!
I offered to visit XH's mother a couple times while he is out of town. Wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do, but I thought that if he WAS going out of town with a new OW, that would keep me on his mind.......and if he WASN'T going out of town with a new OW, he would appreciate the gesture from a friend.
He is still in his crisis. That stress and the not feeling good is partly that and partly a middle aged guy thing. Have you been through menopause yet? He is having the same symptoms! It is not fun. At least not for some people. One other thing, even if there is a OW he is making a move back to you, that is good no matter what. Could you be hurt again? Absolutely. However no risk, no gain. In order to make it though this crisis you must be willing to risk everything in order to succeed. I think you are correct that some of this trip might sound better than it is. Lots of things in life sound that way. RL(real life) gets in the way all the time.
If there is an OW maybe he is looking for a safe landing spot(you) before he dumps her. Like I said before you will know eventually, just continue to have patience.
In a lot of ways this part of the crisis is much harder than replay. It is different, for sure.
One other thing, even if there is a OW he is making a move back to you, that is good no matter what. Could you be hurt again? Absolutely. However no risk, no gain. If there is an OW maybe he is looking for a safe landing spot(you) before he dumps her. Like I said before you will know eventually, just continue to have patience.
This is similar to my thoughts, GAG. Good to hear Lance is on the same page. Whenever I think H may have been with OW I remember that he is not too confident about their relationship when he is calling/texting/visiting me. Likewise, if your H is involved with OW he is not too confident if he is sending you messages and signing messages in the intimate ways you have shared in the past.
My experience is that when OW is in the picture, no information about trips and outings is usually shared. It's all very secretive.
There are similarities and I appreciate your support. Thanks
Also, don't forget to re-read Dia's thread for an example of the re-connection phase.
My experience is that when OW is in the picture, no information about trips and outings is usually shared. It's all very secretive.
The only thing I would caution about this is that they are secretive whether there is or isn't an OW/OM. Being a teenager means that you are secretive from your parents no matter what it is you are doing. So don't assume that just because they are secretive that something is going on that is shocking!
That stress and the not feeling good is partly that and partly a middle aged guy thing. Have you been through menopause yet? He is having the same symptoms!
Lance, when H/XH left I suspected MLC/depression and time seems to have borne out my hunch. I read everything I could get my hands on about male MLC, including peer-reviewed research papers. H had been experiencing unexplained fatigue for about 3 years when he dropped the bomb (he was 54 then). He went to his MD a few times for blood-testing but those tests were normal. (His MD didn't test for hormone levels). After almost 2 years of observing H/XH I feel confident he is in MLC.
Re: your comment above, I am aware that MLC men are angry and irritable (masculine way of expressing depression), may be fatigued, and have night sweats and reduced libido. Are there other signs that you’re aware of?
I had been approaching menopause but the bomb drop pushed me over the edge, almost immediately. My most annoying symptom is difficulty sleeping (I had been having this symptom for a few years but attributed it to stress).
Originally Posted By: LanceSijan
The only thing I would caution about this is that they are secretive whether there is or isn't an OW/OM. Being a teenager means that you are secretive from your parents no matter what it is you are doing. So don't assume that just because they are secretive that something is going on that is shocking!
Cas and Lance, I have to agree with Lance on this one. H/XH was living with his 83 year old mother for the first 8 months after the bomb drop. I know from a reliable source that there was no OW during that time but H/XH was quite secretive. After he bought his own house he dated an OW “hot and heavy” for 2 months but it imploded. There were no other semi-serious R from May 2009 to March 2010 according to my source, but XH was VERY secretive throughout this time.
Well………….XH is on his out of town vacay/work trip until Thursday. Last Friday XH sent me a cute little animated Tomcat (iPhone app) that I forwarded to my sister. Bless her heart, my sister emailed XH today and asked him to send an animated Tomcat with a message to our niece who is moving to college this week. Even though XH is on vacay he responded and sent niece cute Tomcat message saying “(Niece’s name), watch out for those dorm boys. He-he-he-he-he!”. That made me think that there wasn’t an OW around……..and it also shows movement toward my family. Interesting…………..I visited X-MIL this evening, as promised, and gave her a new manicure. Sent a few photos to XH on my cell phone (I normally do this when I visit X-MIL) showing him the new manicure, along with funny things his mother had said, like “Why is it that now that my nails are wet I feel like I have to scratch my b*tt?” I offered to do it for her, but she declined.
If I ever find out if XH was with OW I’ll let you all know.
............AND...this phrase is a sweet, funny, little endearment that he used to say to me a lot when we were really happy together. So all in all, I am feeling better about where XH and I are for the time being. Thanks everyone for helping me to keep from losing my cool!
Cute!
