Your friend, is no friend. I think you really know how you need to handle that situation.
Second, I am gonna disagree with you a bit. You said you were the peacemaker. I bet that is true.
However, when you came to this board, you were pretty spunky. Is there possibly, underlying anger in there? Anger that fuels you, maybe more than you think?
Which may be why you have eruptions now and then?
Just a thought...
Oh, and honey...we all step back on the rollercoaster once in a while...you know, kinda like touching the hot stove...you will be ok.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
We all have well meaning friends (and family)...I was told many many times that I should move on...let the divorce go through... be done with H... I remember one friend in particular...we were working up north, near where H was living...I had called H and asked if we could meet for dinner while I was there...He agreed (reluctantly) but he did and we did have a good time...no relationship talk...no affection except for a hug good-bye for my benefit. Well my friend saw H dropping me off at the hotel and about had a cow...she said she needed to talk to me...she needed to help me stay away from him...bla bla bla BTW my sister and both my daughters were there working too...and also told me about her reaction when I was gone...so I had to say something... I told my dear friend...this is my marriage...I am not done...I know you don't like to see me hurt but I am not doing anything immoral, illegal, or dangerous to my family...so I need to respectfully ask you to keep your opinions to yourself (where my marriage was concerned) and just be my friend! And I basically let everyone know that no matter how much I had spewed about H in the beginning...even though I filed twice!...it was my business...and that was it! A few years later and several times since this dear friend tells me that she is so glad that I didn't listen to her...everytime she sees H and I together and/or with the kids she sees the happy family that we are and realizes that it would have been a great loss if we weren't together... The moral of this is that even well meaning friends don't KNOW what will happen...true, they are just trying to do something to stop your pain...but they don't understand you have to live with all the decisions and you don't want to live with their's...at least not now!
this is my marriage...I am not done...I know you don't like to see me hurt but I am not doing anything immoral, illegal, or dangerous to my family...so I need to respectfully ask you to keep your opinions to yourself (where my marriage was concerned) and just be my friend!
Lin that is a great way to say it!
Thank yiou for sharing that.
And so true.
Your M is not a democracy and not open for debate.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
That's what I love about this bb. You get so many ideas, positive stories, some lessons, always you feel that we are with each other and want the best for each other.
Punkin, you know that when it is over, it is over, but only when you say it is and feel it is. In the meantime, we can only support you, give viewpoints, advice (taken or not), etc. Ultimately, this is your show. Not even your H can tell you how to feel or what to do. He may think it is over for him, but as so many have shown, he may be very mistaken. Once he realizes that only he is responsible for his happiness and his feelings of manhood, you will start seeing radical changes. In the meantime, he will stay with this OW because she makes him feel good (that's what my H said about his OW, anyway).
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Lance, Rule #3 may be no expectations, but I know my H. I got a call from the insurance company this morning saying he had called and cancelled my truck off of the insurance. He left the house on his auto-draft, moved his truck and the trailer, and pulled my truck off completely.
I called my lawyer to make an appt., then called back because I thought if this was all he did, I could take it. When I called back to cancel, the secretary told me that his L had pushed for a court date, and my L had done his job, getting it set for November 17th, one day after our 20th anniversery.
I should be overjoyed. We go to court. He looks like an a@@, I get everything I want except . . . .I don't want a divorce. My kids don't understand. My friends don't understand. I understand why they don't understand.
In short, if he'd do the work, drop the alcohol and seek psychological help, I'd take him back in a New York Minute. I know there are still 86 days between now and then and anything can happen. Just feel sad that after 20 years this is where it ends up. I really expected to grow old with this man, to be buried next to this man for eternity. Now I guess I can be cremated and slipped into his Rum & Coke.
You have stood for yourself AND for your marriage. I know exactly how you are feeling - no one understands - but your values are yours and you love this crazy man. Your L has allowed you to be able to take care of yourself. Be incredible:)
IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You have a good lawyer ... he/she obviously knows what you want. Time. I bet your L stretched it as far as he could, getting your health benefits, and your H should be pleased with himself, now that he has a date, and he took your truck off ins. ('whatever,' one should say about the ins. --- he's trying to get a rise out of you, I think). Keep your boundaries firm, protect yourself, but standing is your choice (a divorce won't necessarily change that).
You still have a lot of time. Who knows what could happen until November.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I know this hurts, and am so sorry you're going through this.
Your H is angry right now at not getting his way. He is irrational and has no concept that what you did had to be done to protect yourself. Canceling your truck ins. is his way of throwing a tantrum. It also may be his way of trying to get you to contact him to try and get you to bargain with him.
Did you find out from your L if this is something your H can just do? I don't know what the laws are in your state, but I would think that with a divorce pending it would have to be negotiated?
Stay dark. Call your L to find out if there is anything else H could just cancel or do. Their sense of entitlement can be used to justify most anything.
I'd already decided to let the truck thing pass. It's just one more thing my L can show that my H promised to do and stopped doing. He refuses to sign the papers to put the house on the market, says he just wants to "have the judge auction it off". I'm hoping that this will direct the judge to have it quit claimed to me instead for what is owed. I plan to call the mtg. co. and start dealing with them today.
Yes, he can change the truck ins., as his name is on it, too. Likewise, my name is on his truck and the camper trailer. I'm just sad. Without a date, the D was just a vague possiblity. Now, it's more a dead certainty. I know that a lot can change in 85 days, just look at how he changed towards me.
I'm still standing, albeit quietly. Have no intention of getting in touch with him again. I will get in touch with my lawyer at least in mid Sept. to see if he thinks it best to let it ride or cross file on the adultery charges. Taxes are due in October, and that's $1000.00. I'll have to have my lawyer contact him about paying his half.
I feel crushed for time, yet feel so empty and useless at the same time. Glad I didn't have to work today.
