Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[Coach]

She then told me that the more she talks with the MC, the more frustrated she feels because she has allowed herself to be treated this way for the past 5 years in our M, and at this point right now this is the most frustrated she has been.

Check the computer. Without real intel she is going to make you think you are the crazy one.

She's going to play the victim card on you. How dare you ask to control her after all you have put her through. You are acting just like her Dad. No wonder she feels the way she does.

She said that the more she thinks about it, the more it just seems like it can't be fixed.

You need to agree with this and let her go.



Sending up the batsignal for Sandi.

[soleil]

She said that the more she thinks about it, the more it just seems like it can't be fixed.

You need to agree with this and let her go.

Ding ding ding!

Follow this advice.

[PMA_Baby!]

Definitely!! Let her go!! She needs to find out the hard way what this really means.

Be careful what you ask for you just might get it. She needs to learn this or things will never change. She thinks you will always be pining over her. Time for the curveball...

[Steve McQueen]

I told her that I had a business trip planned about 6 weeks ago to TX and I was trying to find a way to stay a couple extra days with my best friends out there, when an ex-gf of mine contacted me over FB to let me know that her marriage didn't work out and she was curious what I was up to, and when I was going to be in TX next to catch up on old times.

wow. honestly isn't always the best policy, now is it? were you hoping that if you told her a secret she would tell you one of hers?

I went out to my shop to work on the lawnmower some and then came back in.

just a note. the beer drinking, tinkering with mechanics in the garage decompressor is a reason quite a few guys end up on this site. it might not be a great place to be going while trying to get off of it. just a note.

[john28]

I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm starting to become numb to it all really. Is what I'm about to describe normal?

Yesterday the MC asked me why I wanted to be married to my W. I paused for a second and thought about it really hard. I rattled off a few things, but that we were ultimately always able to come back together again after hardships, and I valued her as a partner and wife and I loved her.

I've been thinking alot about that statement. And, frankly, I'm starting to think about if my W is the right person for me given she's done all she has to hurt me. I know I am changing, maybe not as quickly as her or I wish I was, but I am. She really isn't. She's still that person who hurt me very much that I keep coming back to.

If it weren't for my S4, I probably would have asked her to leave by now so we could have some space. But, I want to maintain my family as a whole.

I'm just starting to feel so lost. None of my needs are being met in this R right now and it is very painful to remain here day after day where I'm continually reminded that none of my needs are even close to being met. Maybe it's just today and how I feel, but as I write this I'm in tears. Maybe it's just a bad day today and I need to pick myself up tomorrow. I don't know... I just feel so unloved and unappreciated.

Truth be told, I never really resented my W for what she did, but now I'm starting to. And I know that if I am starting to feel that, her resentment is only getting stronger. How do I stop that from growing? It's like I'm slowly starting to hate her for showing no remourse or change who she is. I love my W, and I don't want to resent her - I love her for God's sake!

So why am I starting to feel this way? Is it that I'm just coming out of my LBS fog that was making me "try" so hard I was blinded and forgot about myself, and when the fog lifted I realized there is nothinng for me?

I'm not sure what to do next. I don't know if today was just a rough day or what.

[john28]

^^^^ I must have gone crazy earlier. This stress is just getting to me. It is SO MUCH PRESSURE to perform to my best ability that it just gets to me. It's like I have to cross my T's and dot my I's every second of the day. I have to think about every single little thing I do all the time and "Is this going to bring her closer or further away?" .... It's just a lot of pressure to be under that scrutiny, all from myself, all day long.

[sandi2]

After being on these forums all day and reading the advice and feeling the pain, I felt like dropping the rope for a night, so I did. I dropped it.

I came home from work early and took S4 to golf with me, had a great time! He even had his first par at 4 years old He was upset I birdied the hole though All around I spent 3 hours on the course with him and shot an incredible round. It was lots of fun but 96 degrees out there.

Came home, W had went out shopping. I picked up dinner on the way home and called to see if she wanted anything, she said she would "figure it out herself." I picked her up something anyway because she hasn't been eating well lately. She came home about 30 minutes after we got home with some new nail polish and stuff, and I gave her the food. She seemed suprised I got her something, but she ate it. I didn't comment.

I put my S4 to bed. Right after he was in bed I told her I was leaving to go to Lowes for some stuff. She asked what I was up to, took an interest in my plans. I conversed VERY shortly, just told her I was going to pick up a part for the lawnmower.

Came home from Lowes, went inside, got a couple beers and told her I was going out to the shop. I told her to enjoy her time alone. She seemed a little sad I wasn't spending my time with her. I went out and diddled on the lawnmower until 10:30pm. Came inside, took a shower. She came into the bathroom after my shower while I was brushing my teeth to show engage me with a funny internet photo, nothing she couldn't have waited to show me. She rubbed my back and laughed with me. I walked into the living room where she was. Asked if I could watch a show I recorded earlier and she gave me the remote. Watched TV till 11:30 or so. For that ENTIRE hour she was making jokes, trying to engage me, stuff like that. I was nice, but not talkative. Normally I'm the talkative one in our R.

She kept saying things like, "Why don't you think I'm funny?" I would respond with, "I do! That was funny" then go right back to my show.

She kept engaginng me, at one point she told me she waxed her legs earlier, and asked me to feel them. I did, said they were nice, and went back to my show.

At one point I asked her if she finished waxing the "rest" of it. She said yes she did, went into details of how she did it less painfully, etc. I decided to make a bold move. I looked at her and said, "Let me see it now" in a very confident manner. She kind of opened her eyes wide and stood up, pulled the skirt up and showed me. I must say, she did a good job I took it a step further and inspected in hand and let her know that I thought it was a good job. Then, went back to my show.

Got up after my show, and she asked what I was doing. I told her I didn't know yet. She asked if I wanted to go to bed. I asked her if she was tired, she said no. I just got up, grabbed a beer and started walking to our room. She yelled to me by her nickname for me and I walked back into the living room. She asked again if I was going to bed. I told her I was going to surf the inet or read or maybe sleep, not sure. She said, "Ok... I guess I'll be in there in a little bit"

Geez, if I had to categorize tonight, I would say SUCCESS. I hated the feeling of dropping the rope, but I like the rewards.

Sorry Charlie, but that is not dropping the rope. Besides, you don't drop the rope for one evening and decide to pick it back up the next day. To your W, you appeared to be moody....that's all.

[sandi2]

Quote:
Sandi,
What do you mean by 'drop the rope'?

Well I copied & pasted my picture of what dropping the rope would be, but it's JMHO and that's all.


Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.

Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?

How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.

Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?

As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a ____ what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
_________________________

I think that you need to "really" drop the rope, but as long as the two of you are fighting it out in MC, that would be kind of hard.

She has not respected any boundaries, that I have seen....and you have not enforced any consequences. Now, it's as if you are the guilty one and her infidelity has been pushed aside. It's all about what you need to change, etc.

Oh, about the phones. Why do you have a boundary set on your phone? Yes, I know what you said but when a couple are M they should be able to pick up each other phones, email, or anything else. This isn't a boundary that is healthy b/c it looks like something is dishonest. Need to rethink that one. You fell into a hole there.

[john28]

Thanks Sandi - I understand that dropping the rope would be pretty difficult when we're still in MC. Maybe I can find another way to do it.

Last night W went to walmart about 12:30am because we both napped at lunch yesterday and she wasn't tired at all, and we got paid today so she went for a big grocery shop. I told her to have fun, she was excited to blow off some steam and expend some enery from the past few days. Before she left she probably gave me 10 kisses, all really good ones.

Before I go any further, I'm sure she went to Walmart. Positive.

I stayed at home. 2:00 rolls around.... 2:30.... 3:00am.... I'm starting to get worried. She's been gone to a store that is 20 minutes away for 2.5 hours at this point. Then my phone rings after 3am.

It's her. I was almost asleep when she called. I picked up, and she said, "I don't want to come home."

Whoah, that woke my butt up. I asked what was going on. She said, "I don't want to come home. I'm so depressed." I asked her again, what is going on. She said that she's been sitting in the car since she got there crying and she hasn't even gone inside.

For those of you who have read NUTS, you'll understand what I'm about to say. I instantly, without hesitation, became the "ROCK".

I told her to calm down, take a few breaths. In the most calming voice I could muster even though I'm very upset inside, I told her that I'm there for her, I always will be, that I love her very much and care about her no matter what. I asked her what she would like me to do, that I would do anything that she wanted me to right now to help her. She didn't know. I told her to start the car, and stayed with her on the phone the whole way home. I made silly conversation to take her mind off of things on her way home, and I reassured her the whole way home.

I'm pretty sure i broke about 1,382 DB rules by doing this, but frankly I don't think I care. That's my W. She needed me.

When she got home I helped her into bed, but before doing so I grabbed her and hugged her really tight and she hugged me back. I told her that everything was going to be OK, that we would be OK, that everything is going to be fine.

She was upset still in bed, so I petted her hair and head for awhile until she was almost asleep. She told me many times she loved me.

This morning I found myself somehow cuddling with her in bed, something that we haven't done in about 2 weeks. She was holding my hand over her.

Got up and came to work today. I told her that I was going to call her soon to check up on her.

[Coach]

I'm starting to become numb to it all really.

I'm starting to think about if my W is the right person for me given she's done all she has to hurt me.

it is very painful to remain here day after day where I'm continually reminded that none of my needs are even close to being met.


Truth be told, I never really resented my W for what she did, but now I'm starting to.


I just feel so unloved and unappreciated.


Is it that I'm just coming out of my LBS fog that was making me "try" so hard I was blinded and forgot about myself, and when the fog lifted I realized there is nothinng for me?


Just as you start to detach and see the reality then she reeled you back in. You rescued her, she makes you feel needed. You filled the Daddy role for her and you. Nothing has changed.

You need to think and not be so feeling right now. It's how she plays you like a fiddle. I am not saying don't show compassion, empathy and don't love her. You need to be strong. She is going this use this episode to her advantage.