Oh Wow piano! I'm sorry you are going through this Try to think of the present moment...right here, right now. Rather than the future, like months from now, next week, tomorrow. It does help you not to feel so scared and alone. Make sure that you take care ofyoursaelf too! The trip you are planning sounds like fun! No matter how things turn out, as no one knows what the future holds, one day you will be HAPPY once again! 100% Happy with every apecT of your life! That's for sure!
I can't tell you how many times, I've started to post something in the past dew days, and just feel like I don't know what to write and get upset then say I'll write tomorrow.
I do think that you H showing feeling and emotion and yes GUILT is sooo very important! He is finally looking past himself to ackbowledge that you and your feeling count! I think he is finally starting to feel the repurcussions of his actions. I do aree with everyone in that NC is the most powerful tool you have right now. When he contacts you to ask about bub, this is your moment to shine! Don't sound needy or sad, show him how happy you and bub are!!!! Show him that you can and will and are surviving and are happy with bub. Let him miss something wonderful. This is when you can share a great story of your bub smiling, or your fun moments, etc. He will miss you both even more. When we cry or are sad or exhude insecurities or hatred or lonliness, they want to stay away, and will just withdraw back into their alien state or spaceship! NC is pretty much doing the same.
As har as it is for you, maybe its a good thing for H to return to where you both once shared a life so that he can miss what you had and feel the loss. Hopefully he will feel triggers of emotions, like me & P once went to dinner there, or wouldn't that be a great place to take bub on a nice day, or even when he sees a father and a young child together... And believe me they will start popping up everywhere for him to see, maybe they will pull some of his heartstrings and create a lonliness or want to be around you and your girl. Doesn't MWD say when their is OP and the WAS begins to live life with the OP, the affair/relationship loses it fizz? And imagine how lucky the OW is when she is living w him and he is missing his W and bub. He will!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, NC is not only going to give him a taste of the life he thinks he wants, but it wiL help you detach and be stronger! It will help you heal. Try to look at this NC period as healing time, therapy time for you. Don't think about the logistics or timeline or anything involving the two of you. Things can change so drastically, and so quickly, and a year from now you may look back and know that NC was key in your life.
I know you can do it! You are strong! I have all the faith in you! And besides, Gatsby is really putting you to the challenge! Lol! And lean on the NCers like G (def not me) and ask for tips or advice or simply stregnth to continue NC. It is your biggest tool and your best 180 right now!
No matter how this all unfolds you will be happier, feel content and be grateful for all of this craziness as it wil be bring you to the next step! It can only get better from here!
I totally agree with Babydoll... try not to think of the future Piano, take it one day at a time. We can never predict the future right anyway so why not spend the time thinking some nice thoughts!
Originally Posted By: Piano
That's why I am starting to doubt if I love him or if it's more that I don't love myself.
It could be that being denied what you wanted has intensified your feelings and made it seem more perfect than it actually was?
I'll write a few things that helped me most:
*whenever the thought of H creeps into my head -I tell myself to "STOP" sometimes out loud. -Start doing something-anything to switch my thought and mood (learning to control myself- a great skill to be gained here!)
*force myself to watch comedy (or SATC) -I was surprised to know that I can laugh even in dark moments
*start working on what I've always wanted to do, and imagine myself doing it successfully (anything to give you a nice feeling)
*hanging out with good friends- which you will be doing soon!
Easier said than done... quite difficult in the beginning but I guarantee they'll work if you stick to it.
G, BD, FM, PH and NM, I keep reading over your posts for comfort and hope.
G, fight resolved. It was fatigue. Thanks for checking in.
Okay, so update (I guess it'll be me just journaling for a while, hey?!):
I HAVE NOT, repeat NOT, INITITATED CONTACT!
But I have certainly thought about it, ha!
Actually, right now I ESPECIALLY want to write to OW...
I want to tell her what a disgrace she is; taking the father of this newborn baby away..away by thousands and thousands of kilometeres...how can she live with herself?
Like that would help!!!!!!!!
I might ask Allen what he thinks of that ( as a theory; I'm not going to do it). I'm interested in his take.
I know I am not meant to have two threads, one here and the new one in Infidelity but I don't know if my H's affair is now an "affair". I am becoming more and more the "former wife". I think as of today, since they are living together (I guess) they are now "partners".
Can you guys help me divorce H in my head. I need to fully let go.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
You (we) don't have to beg or cajole or entreat or plead with anyone to love us. If we do what is it worth? We cannot manipulate or force fidelity or loyalty. They are freely given by someone who has emotional maturity, morailty and an innate sense of what is right and wrong in a M. A lot of these WAS don't get that. They aren't there yet. They may get there but they aren' there yet . Reconciling while they are still out to lunch is begging for trouble. They need to change and show a genuine desire to do work.
Let go. There is nothing more irritating and more of a turn off to a man more than a woman who keeps on clinging after he has told her time and again that he wants out. It took me a while to get this but then it was lie a lightbulb went off.
^ Kara's wise words on Mystik's thread.
OK, this is why I am terrified.
WH knows I love him (I said it in my email to him, even if I also said I am moving on).
WH tells my mum increduously "She STILL love me!!!!".
I must be a COMPLETE turn-off to WH.
Maybe I really should be busting his balls a bit, like Allen says on my Infidelity thread.
I think Puppy is right, the basis of attraction is RESPECT.
I have been disrespecting myself wanting WH back after all he has done.
Don't worry, I am not going to write to him, but I am going to have to somehow let this guy know soon that I don't want him.
The only thing I think I could do is say
"You know, I've been thinking and I realise I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore. You're right, we'd make better friends than lovers'. Ouch. but it might UNDO all the damage I've done persuing him.
The alternative is to get all narky and lecturey and tell him how cruel, selfish and irrepsonsible he is.
It's OK Piano, don't beat yourself up on what you've said in the past, it won't do you good worrying about what can't be changed! And please be kind to yourself... the worst bit is over.
If you feel the urge to write H/OW an email, you can write one and save it in the draft box to be reviewed on another day (you can't send emails when you are emotional anyway)... when you do read it a few days later you'd probably find yourself thinking "why bother". It helped me dump the frustration a little bit this way, it actually felt like I did email. (somehow typing an email worked better for me than writing on a piece of paper)
Make sure the "send to" space doesn't have anyone's addresses though... to avoid accidents!
As for the OW... don't waste any of your precious time, she's wired differently and won't speak the same moral language.
I agree with Fullmoon. I've written H several letters that I saved in a Word document just to get the thoughts out of my head so they weren't there, gnawing away at me.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Try to think of the present moment...right here, right now. Rather than the future, like months from now, next week, tomorrow. It does help you not to feel so scared and alone. Make sure that you take care ofyoursaelf too! The trip you are planning sounds like fun! No matter how things turn out, as no one knows what the future holds, one day you will be HAPPY once again! 100% Happy with every apecT of your life! That's for sure! 
