councelling is out. there's no longer any talk about the quality of our marriage. i was constantly bringing up the topic of analyzing our marriage, that her lack of sex and intimacy was waning, and she use to say that she would try and make things better, but that only lasted a week, and then whenever i brought the subject up weeks later, she would get mad and tell me there's the door.
so we are in it for the kids, and she feels that we are tied together through marriage, and i am not going anywhere, so she can behave the way she wants without acknowledging my needs.
thanks for the advice. you're not beating me up. she does play this cat and mouse game with me waiting for me to screw things up so she can continue to be the dominant one.
it doesn't matter whether i am confident in my decisions or not, because when they turn out wrong, she reprimands me like i'm a kid, puts me under the inquisition, and though i stick to my guns about saying that i still think i did the right thing, i am always able to feel bad because she always seems to be correct. even when i'm right i'm wrong.
she wants me to make decisions, and when i ask for help, she frowns upon me. i ask for help because i don't want to do the wrong thing and have a fight with her.
there's nothing i can do to gain any respect from her. the only thing i can do is work as much as possible, and stay oiut of the house for as ling as possible. i might as well be divorced if that's my philosophy, right?
My suggestion would be to look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and then read some of MDW's information on doing a "180" to change the dynamics in your relationship.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
thanks for the advice. you're not beating me up. she does play this cat and mouse game with me waiting for me to screw things up so she can continue to be the dominant one.
it doesn't matter whether i am confident in my decisions or not, because when they turn out wrong, she reprimands me like i'm a kid, puts me under the inquisition, and though i stick to my guns about saying that i still think i did the right thing, i am always able to feel bad because she always seems to be correct. even when i'm right i'm wrong.
she wants me to make decisions, and when i ask for help, she frowns upon me. i ask for help because i don't want to do the wrong thing and have a fight with her.
there's nothing i can do to gain any respect from her. the only thing i can do is work as much as possible, and stay oiut of the house for as ling as possible. i might as well be divorced if that's my philosophy, right?
If she wants to the "dominant one", and you don't want it like this - perhaps you are with the wrong one. I don't think you are going to convince her that she should feels differently than she actually feels.
They call women like this "man eaters". Its not that they are "stronger", its that they will battle you and eventually reduce parts of your masculinity.
When you realize that there are women out her who want to enhance the male they like, and not tear them down like your current wife, you will wonder what you wasted all this time for.
There is nothing you can win in the game that your wife is playing, you can only lose, regress or if you are lucky block at a standstill.
exactly! i totally agree with you! there's is no longer any reasoning or discussion, because a woman like this will never change her ways. she is a maneater and she has always been like this,and the only way of winning is to block her (i noticed that if i don't confront her, and ignore her, she gets very mad, because i refuse to acknowledge her knowing that it's only going to ensue a berating argument).
i've been wondering why am i wasting my time, and i've been looking back at how much time i have been wasting with her resulting in my withdrawal from any dialog which will produce anything positive--and she even hasn't approached me about my change in attitude, about my complacency about not being romantic or loving anymore. she seems to be at peace.
it's a done deal with her; it's only time now before i decide when to leave. she's just a shell willing and able to live like this with her monthly maintanence, feeling superior by continually telling me how wrong i am with everything.
it's really come down to just being roommates, just living for the kids, just living for the sake of living, because there isn't anything else to do or to go to.
this nmmng book has some good points, but there are points that i do not agree with at all.
i will look that part over again.
we all know when people are taking advantage of us, but it's enraging knowing that our spouses are really the ones taking advantage of our nice guy persona which makes it clear to understand why i can't be a "nice guy" at least to her; others appreciate and respect and love me for being someone who does as much as possible for others.
....it's enraging knowing that our spouses are really the ones taking advantage of our nice guy persona which makes it clear to understand why i can't be a "nice guy" at least to her; others appreciate and respect and love me for being someone who does as much as possible for others.
One of the things that I discoverd is the concept of co-dependence and how my reactions to my wife pushing my "hot buttons" was part of the problem in our relationship. When I stopped reacting in the usual way, she had to find a different way to "relate to/interact with" me.
For several months after I initiated changes to my life, I found my wife doing a variety of things that in retrospect almost seemed to be her trying to pick fights with me so that I would loose focus on the changes I was trying to make in my life. I also felt that many times she was finding herself wanting to be close to me and that subconsiously she was picking a fight to avoid emotional closeness. I think it had a lot to do with verifying boundaries on her part and on accepting that things had changed. I can't tell you the number of times I asked myself if I wanted to get sucked into a fight with her or just bite my tongue and show her love and demand respect and fulfilling my emotional needs. It was a real challenge to not be baited into an argument.
One of the things that MWD says is that in a relationship problem, both parties are both part of the problem and need to be part of the solution. I really believe that and that it is important for one of the members of the couple to initiate change and offer a consistent approach so that the other partner can have some reference point (assuming both want the relationship to continue).
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
others appreciate and respect and love me for being someone who does as much as possible for others.
Well . . . that all depends on why you do it. If you do things for others because you want do them . . . because you want to see good things happen for others . . . that's great, and people should respect that (and almost always will; it's hard not to.)
If you do things for others so that they will have to like you, or so that they will be obligated to you, or so that everyone will have to acknowledge what a nice guy you are, then it's probably not going to get you what you want. If you're doing services for your wife so she'll want to have sex with you, you're frustrated for a reason. This is a hard thing to accept about yourself (and because it's hard to accept, it's also easy to fall into a trap by deciding that your resistance means you must really have Nice Guy syndrome--when you really don't, and you're resisting the idea because it doesn't describe you.)
I did NOT enjoy dealing with my Nice Guy tendencies. I still struggle with aspects of the Nice Guy personality. For one thing, I still have few close male friends. I have many I would call close friends, but they're people I've collaborated with online and if I wanted to have a cup of coffee with one of them I'd have to drive four hours to do it. Today I reconnected with a friend I worked with a couple of years ago, and it drove home the point that I've let myself "get too busy" to hang out with this guy who lives half an hour away and has a lot in common with me. Gotta fix that.
The line between being a "nice guy" and being someone who wants good for others is a fine line.
I was a "nice guy" and it got me no where. It is a loosing approach to life.
Now I try to show unconditional love to my wife, which to some would seem very similar, but I can see the differences. My wife really loves the acts of devotion and things I do for her, much more to the nice guy approach of giving into what she wants.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
