SA speaks the truth. I let my H goad me into losing my temper and, while it felt good to get some of it off my chest, it didn't help anything in the long run. As a result, I have decided to go dark-have no direct communication-for the meantime. Yes inside me are apologies, declarations of love, reminders of great times gone past. None of them amount to a tinker's damn to an MLC'r. Unless it is of urgent nature, the best response is no response. At least it was for me.
It give you time for you. Grieve, get it out, GAL, introspect. Everything and anything but cater to her wants and whims. It's her path, let her walk it.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
That is how I approach my husband. I try to detach. I love him, but I don't do it openly. When he wants to chat, I'm there and will chat amiably. But I don't talk about myself, my issues, my fears, my hopes etc. He rarely asks. I don't update him on day to day things and never call/text/email unless its about D. I want him to know through my actions that I am here for him when/if he is ready, but I will continue to move on alone with dignity and pride for myself and my actions.
The pain the MLCer is going through is very real and very difficult for them. I try to keep that in mind when dealing with the insanity that goes with the voyage. Despite what it may look like, they are not having fun, they are not happy, they are not carefree. They are suffering and unfortunately must do it alone.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am understanding more of what is being said here. I do need to get rid of the anger. I do have alot of it I must admit. I will continue to re-read the posts I am supposed to. We got good news today in that I know our son is out of Iraq and will be home soon. May God Bless you all. Bobby O
I am learning alot and I am sure I had been part of our problem. I will continue to dig deeper.
I hope so. Listen to Mach. Think about what he has said, and don't skirt the issues. This answer, needs more...
Originally Posted By: BobbyO
I know some people indicate that I should not be rude or harsh and others say I should.
Rude and harsh? Would you return to someone who is rude and harsh to you? I wouldn't. Especially after I had made the decision to be done. That sort of behavior, is reinforcing of her choice.
Don't reinforce her choice with your behaviors and words unless you want to be divorced.
Originally Posted By: Bobby0
In closing, has anyone heard of the 40 day plan related to a recent movie? My brother mentioned it to me yesterday and suggested I see the movie, the name escapes me at present.
The name of the movie is Fireproof. The plan is Love Dare.
Excellent movie, but if you put it into practice with a MLCer, a few things could happen...
One, you are pushing and that always works in the opposite direction than we want. They will run further and faster.
Second, the changes, will seem fake. And MLCers can smell fake and phony changes a mile away.
As well as changes that are done purely to save the M, such as altering your work schedule to be home more, when that schedule apparantly was good enough for you for years.
Translates into, "home more because he wants to be able to see and know every move I make, that controlling b'tard..."
Watch the movie. You will learn from it. Not how to save your M, but how to look in side.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
For me, the mantra "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" sums it up. If you harbor resentment, your MLCer will sense it and run the other way.......but the REAL reason that you forgive is for YOUR mental and physical health. That is the only outcome that you have control over...........and in reality, forgiveness is the only path that leads to the possibility of true reconciliation.
I see you on the box preaching about all you have done, but did you ever acknowledge what your wife has done? It is too late to acknowledge it to her, but did you in the past TRULY see her actions for the family?
You have a lot of work to do on yourself....you spend a lot of time building yourself up, yet follow that with how your wife is attractive and will have no problem making new relationships.....That spouts low self-esteem and confidence.
Realize that now is the time to HONESTLY and TRULY review your marriage and life for the past 26 years...what was good? What was bad? Until those demons are faced you will have a very difficult time dealing with your anger.
Yes this does sound counter-intuitive because you are focusing on your issues and not the hateful things she is doing....but before you can move forward you have to deal with yourself.
I did see the movie Firefall and did think it was a good movie. My wife was very happy tonight. Our son called and said he and his unit will be home from Iraq on Wednesday. I have and will continue to evaluate both the good and bad aspects of the marriage. I felt better today and less anger from me. I will continue on this journey. Thanks to all Bobby O
