As long as you let him do whatever it is that he want's to do. You may think you are getting along fine but someone in a crisis really can be up one min and down the next. All of it of course your fault, which I hope you know is not the case.
Quote:
but it's as if he doesn't trust his inner rage
Anger...yeah the best friend of an MLCer...the anger as you know is in him. It is his inability to look at HIS own issues. This thought is not your problem...you my dear should be looking at your issues and focusing on where you went wrong in the M and making the necessary changes so that YOU can be the person that YOU want to be.
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he'll do/say something to get me angry to "prove" he's been right all along.
Needs it for his justification. This will go on for a while. It is why you do not defend yourself. His perception is HIS reality and nothing you do can change that.
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simply saying I want nothing to do with you.
He will continue to spew hoping that YOU will pull the plug. It makes it easier for him. I initially told my W that I was going to file only to change gears. It was something that I did not want. When I told her I was filing she was soooo happy...next day I came home and said NO i was not filing since it was not what I wanted....boy did her mood change...she was pissed....wanna know why? cause NOW she had to make the move. Now she owned the decision to terminate the M. Now she would need to look at our children and explain it. Don't let him push YOU to do something that YOU do not want to do. Having said this, if your done, then F file. If you truly are not, then don't.
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I'm still going to do IC
Good
2 - keep as calm as you can. Try the stay the hell away from your H. You need to be emotionally sound for your baby.
Finally, you sound a lot better. Keep moving ....keep pressing...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I've been there girl! I was very reactive, VERY reactive! And quite honestly, the IC can help with resentment and anger, but not being emotionally reactive is a CHOICE that YOU make each and every time. Every time. A conscious choice. And yes, it's hard. Damn hard. But you can do it. I used to have to keep lollypops around so when I was tempted to shoot my mouth off in reaction to something stbxH was saying or doing I could pop one in.
Keep up the good work! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It's funny, I kind of feel like WTH was the purpose in being a faithful wife for 14 yrs, if I still get the sh!t end of the deal? To me an affair is grounds for not fixing things, but apparently people like to play God and not work on 2nd chances when things weren't that bad. Yeah we argued, b/c neither one of us put the other person as a priority after a while. All things that could have been fixed, especially for sake of the kids. He'll be here tomorrow until Sunday to visit the kids, and I feel angry. Now I have to hide it and act as if it's ok that he threw our M away and rearranged our entire life for his own selfish desires. I checked his phone notes b/c I know his email address, and lo and behold there's a number in there and a woman picks up, yet he has sworn he's not seeing anyone new. If you're so damn done w/ our M why be a coward and deny things. Man up and fess up! And pf course it's not "cheating" b/c we're only married on paper as he says. And the whole "respecting the marriage" was only in place while we were separated but living under the same roof.
I'm so sick of all of this BS. I can find someone who respects me. .....Even though GL w/ that one, 28 with 3 kids WTH wants that in their life? Ha! This sucks. I should have read the fine print in my marriage vows to know he'd bail when things got tough.
(just venting)
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Really? I couldn't tell from all your posts here 2.
Guess what? H can tell too?
And
Originally Posted By: 2
b/c we're only married on paper as he says. And the whole "respecting the marriage" was only in place while we were separated but living under the same roof.
This ^^^^^ is why he doesn't give a rats patooty.
Originally Posted By: 2
To me an affair is grounds for not fixing things,
That's good because you know why?
YOU CAN"T FIX THINGS
You can only control you.
Originally Posted By: 2
Yeah we argued, b/c neither one of us put the other person as a priority after a while.
Ok so you do recognize you may have a part in this...
Originally Posted By: 2
I should have read the fine print in my marriage vows to know he'd bail when things got tough.
Well what does it say?
When your H is screwed up and lost
You are going to leave?
You're going to feel sorry for yourself and blame all your unhappiness on him?
Originally Posted By: 2
I can find someone who respects me. .....
Not until you realize that your respect comes from inside you.
Look your H is having an A. He is running from you and the M becuase only he knows why.
He doesn't want the M right now.
Things suck right now.
Your angry.
So if you want to contnue chasing your tail here then be my guest.
You are NOT a victim here
YOU are volunteering for all this crap.
Think about what I just said to you because
YOU control all that crap up there because you are letting it happen to you.
We have already told you what to do.
Read your thread.
All your answers are there.
If you continue this pity party
book your one way ticket to bittersville.
And get on the bus.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Stressed out. He files today. Nothing else can be done. He says h found a solution to his problems. Getting rid of me bc I'm the problem. He didn't even try for our kids.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
First, I am sorry...I know how much it hurts. Cry honey...cry...let it out. Your not alone 2g. Not alone at all.
As hard as it you need to remain calm while at the same time releasing the hurt that you feel. Release the hurt 2G - do not hold on to it.
So he filed - what does that mean? Nothing...people file all the time and reconcile before actually going thru with the D.
You will be tempted to feel hopeless, you may feel like you did all of this for what? Don't accept those thoughts. You did what YOU thought you needed to do to save your M (and remember it aint over till the fat lady sings).
YOu need to be proud of yourself. You need to realize just how strong you really are. Not many could have endured what you have endured. You know what - your not done yet.
Stand up 2G...stand up girl. Say F it - this will not beat me. He will not beat me. His crisis will NOT defeat me. I may stubble I may fall but by the might God I will get up again. From the ashes will rise a new 2G....better, smarter, stronger...you will survive honey you will.
I know you will. You can't see it...but many of us can.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Honey, your H is in so deep right now that 'getting rid' of you is the only way he can think of to make himself feel better.
Let him go and do not contact about anything other than kids or financial. Even then make sure that it is absolutely necessary.
This is the only way your H will realize that it is not you causing his unhappiness. He's looking for ways to justify his behavior. Step back and give him nothing.
Do as Eric says and let it out. Make sure you don't show or tell your H any of it.
2, you have my utmost respect. As hard as our sitches are on the board, I can't imagine dealing with this being pregnant.
There are a number of stories on the boards about H's leaving while their W's are pregnant. Have you been able to read about how any of them have handled their sitch?
It's a piece of paper 2, turn it into your shield.
If he says everything was horrible and will never get better, and you say not everything was completely horrible, and though we're facing hard times, things can get better for us...
who's right? It's really just perspective.
He's in the moment (where things are horrible), not looking to a future with you in it, and probably has a list of past regrets and resentments that is all he sees when he looks back right now.
How do you change somebody else's perspective? You don't. They do it.
You can change your own perpective: what you have gone through has made you stronger and wiser, you can focus on things you are grateful for in your present, and you can do things and plan things for your own personal future without him so that you have a wonderful, fulfilling life.
Fighting him over his perspective is pointless. It won't work, and it will keep you stuck in a bad place. Drop the rope, let go, live the wonderful life you can live.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
