you signed the paperwork (which I hope you read, just scanned through your sitch and apparently she gave you a 2nd set of papers after the first got stolen, I hope the 2nd batch wasn't "modified"), not let her be.
You are free from this craziness, take a break from her, from the idea of being divorced, from db'ing, and just focus on you for a bit, take care of yourself, hang out with some friends and get your mind off this stuff, seriously you can go crazy always thinking about this stuff.
Dropping in on your thread, Faith. What is the timeline of events on your situation? When did you do your compulsive gameplaying and your wife begin to detach emotionally? When did your wife move out, file, etc.?
I agree with all the good advice on here re: focusing on taking care of yourself and bettering yourself. It's never too late for you. Maybe your W will see it and be lured back, maybe not. Either way, you can make your life much better than it was a couple of years ago or even today.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Dropping in on your thread, Faith. What is the timeline of events on your situation? When did you do your compulsive gameplaying and your wife begin to detach emotionally? When did your wife move out, file, etc.?
I agree with all the good advice on here re: focusing on taking care of yourself and bettering yourself. It's never too late for you. Maybe your W will see it and be lured back, maybe not. Either way, you can make your life much better than it was a couple of years ago or even today.
I'll add some info to my sig file sometime this week.
Brief recap: W and I have been married 7 yrs, Together for 11 yrs, Very close for 14 yrs, known each other for 19 yrs. I get lost in timelines lol.
In hindsight, I started emotionally detaching 3 years ago. She really detached from me in 08/2009; She moved out in June; We filed for Divorce 08/06/2010; Official D-Day is 9/30/10.
My compulsive gameplaying began 3 and half years ago. Heavy drinking and cigarretes along with it. It was an escape from what I thought was "Never" making her happy and viewing her as always messed up. After reading all the books and the great support on this site, it's really made me aware of my "bigger" issues. Alcholism, Addictive nature, and passive-aggressivness is the REAL issues that got me where I am today. All of it from lack of father-male role model and an Alcoholic mother.
I stopped drinking in mid-July, quitting smoking currently, and getting a life. W is incredibly angry, but shows signs of caring but I have a lot of work to do on myself and an incredible amount of time ahead before I think she would ever be interested in me again.
Basically fixing myself and lovingly detaching from her.
You can check out my "Enlightening" post...I journal there now and would be happy to have any visitors.
Why is my W contacting me every few days? Is it guilt? Is she testing me to see my response? What is it and how do I move forward with it?
My DB coach has told me to not bring up relationship and let her come to me (just as you all have said) She basically said you can't afford another argument. Okay so there has been a few slips, but since I haven't contacted her, she now finds the need to talk to me even bringing up "stupid" questions. For example I've told her she can see our dogs anytime, but yet she continually asks if it's ok. I have plans Sat and Sun and she said she would come over and be with them. Okay. Great. She found the need to text me that she's coming over to do this. Cool. I didn't respond. 5 hours later she asks if I got her last text. I responded with "About the dogs? Yes.". She replies with "lol. I guess that my text didn't really need a response". I texted back and said "No worries - took it as you just letting me know."
I know this is petty, but could this be an opening where maybe I just text her and shoot the breeze every now and then? I mean not every day, but just initiate conversation about her and her day? At what point do I try things that "might" work?
I mean I don't NEED to talk to her...I want to, but only if it's mutually beneficial to do so. I'm sure not going to talk about stopping the divorce or relationship. This "setting them free" talk is great, but if she keeps contacting ME isn't that a sign of it working a little? Or do I need to stand up and say "It's best we don't talk at all anymore, I know I have neglected you in the past and I'm sorry for that, but if you don't want to be married any more or work on our relationship then I don't see a need to keep talking to each other" speech.
Seriously, I love my W, but I do not want to be "friends", I don't want to fix the OLD M, I want to make a new one. However, all the advice is great! However it gets a little overwhelming trying to apply "tough love" and then getting a reaction. I don't know what to do.
Please understand I'm working on my life, I've changed many things for me and will continue to do so. Just could use some advice.
I wouldn't initiate conversations with her. If she wants to talk, be receptive (but not sitting by the proverbial phone). If she initiates R talks, be even more receptive. She's been out of the house for a hair over two months, and might be finding that it's not greener where she is. As Coach is fond of saying, be a cat whisperer...
Agreed. what you were doing (nothing) was working. So leave it at that.
As people have been saying on my thread, "Imagine trying to hand feed a squirrel. Be very still. No sudden motions. The squirrel wil come out and go back.... REPEATEDLY.
Trust me I'm not sitting by the phone anymore lol. It's just happening. I did test the temperature the other day (a no-no) but it did give a different result than normal. Funny you bring up she may not be seeing the grass being as green. I thought of that today at work.
Are you saying just stay elusive?
She has not brought up R talks and I'm no longer willing to set myself up for that failure anymore. Time alone has made me really aware of this, along with all of the advice given. I'm no where near the confidence that Rob shines, but as I do things for me I feel my self-respect coming back. I also know baby steps are a must. I've accepted, as it is right now, that I'm getting D'd and it would take an act of God to stop it right now, but how do I become MORE of a "cat whisperer"? I feel I need to know what these "texts" mean...how the hell do I "predict" what's coming if I don't understand the here and now.
Agreed. what you were doing (nothing) was working. So leave it at that.
As people have been saying on my thread, "Imagine trying to hand feed a squirrel. Be very still. No sudden motions. The squirrel wil come out and go back.... REPEATEDLY.
DO NOT MOVE TOWARD THE SQUIRREL!!!
LOL I'm a proud supporter of that Squirrel analogy. My squirrel is showing the signs. That's why I'm posting here...I'm trying to not spook it away. LOL
It's easy to read other threads/sitches and know what to do, but I'm telling you I'm freakin blind at my own right now lol
Agreed. what you were doing (nothing) was working. So leave it at that.
As people have been saying on my thread, "Imagine trying to hand feed a squirrel. Be very still. No sudden motions. The squirrel wil come out and go back.... REPEATEDLY.
...as I do things for me I feel my self-respect coming back.
...I've accepted, as it is right now, that I'm getting D'd and it would take an act of God to stop it right now
I feel I need to know what these "texts" mean...
First three are what's working, Faith Bottom one is wasted energy you should be using on the top three. The words in the texts mean nothing. The ACT of texting means the squirrel smells the food and is looking.
Wait and see if her texts become calls....or if the text statements become questions**. These are tests not texts. Don't fail.
That's all I am doing. The texts are becoming calls. Still being elusive. Mysterious.
Just letting you know what YOUR forest looks like from the outside!! I know it's dark in there. Trust your new found self-respect and your knowledge of what is working. Don't add anything to the soup. Needs to simmer more. (Holy Analogies, Batman!)
** Note the texts. As WE know, most statements ARE questions. Think about the questions. But don't answer them. Just write them down.
