Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Things with Gabe are going ok. We enjoy each other's company, he's being affectionate (which is really out of character), and that's about it. I've decided to just be ok with that. We aren't going to have deep conversations, we won't be discussing the past and what went wrong, and we won't be discussing any possible future either. It's here and now and that will have to be enough. It's totally against my nature, but I'm working on it. My C said something that has resonated with me. She said, "If you are ok with the status quo and can live with not knowing what direction you are headed and are having sex with him because you were lonely then that is ok. If you are with him only because you don't want to be alone, that is ok too. Just know that you decided it was ok. Own it. If it becomes not ok, then change it. Don't accept something that is not acceptable to you."

Sounds simple enough, right? Well...not simple but I am owning it. I realized that having him there, helping to raise Marc and being a companion to me had become more important that my need to feel loved. If that makes me a failure in all of your eyes, I'm sorry. It's just something I'm coming to grips with. Some people find love, passion, soulmates.......others just don't and won't because that is not who we are. I'm not a deep enough individual to be able to do that. It would require far to much of myself and I understand now that is just not who I am.

My C has been a wonderful help. She could refer me outside of the office but it is unlikely that I would be able to convince that new office to take me with no insurance and at a significantly reduced payment. It's ok. My coping mechanisms are much better than they were. I'm not totally self-flagillating (how the heck do you spell that???) anymore so it's a big improvement. The depression doesn't end up in suicidal outpourings to God to just kill me anymore. That's HUGE! I'm pretty happy with that. I'm functioning ok and that has improved my life in many ways.

Once I put everything in realistic perspective, set a couple of boundaries with Gabe regarding contact with other women while he is sleeping with me, and stood my ground with my mom a little more, I felt much more in control. I have plenty of moments that I'm not feeling so good, but they are farther between.