Sure, but I don't know you on the alt. Do you know anyone I know. lol I know Romeo, but you also know my first name. I believe I am the only one in Topeka.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I know no one on the alt from the BB. You folks are probably lucky that way, I've been posting pictures of my vacation and... well, for example, I have a photo of the fellow who cooked my hot dog today (no jokes please) his name is Haagen Das (that was the name on his shirt anyway), a photo of my enormous twelve inch hot dog (again, no jokes please), a telephone booth (they are very rare), some rocks, my shadow and a shot of my feet in the air...you get the drift! You really don't wanna go there. It ain't pretty! OK, there are a few nice beach and water scenes...it isn't all bizarre!
Yes very cool. Photos and my computer and I haven't figured out a way to be best friends but we are working on it. lol I am smart in a lot of other ways.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I had a visit with my Psychologist today and she brought up something that really made sense to me. Firstly, I was saying that I felt I should be farther along than I am after almost three years. She said "Whatis, I'm not surprised you're still feeling the way you are. You had a huge loss in your life. Your wife and family were an enormous part of who you were for 17 years. It's very anxiety provoking to have that ripped out of your life and at midlife have to start all over again. You didn't just lose your wife, you lost half your time with your kids. Not only did you suffer a huge loss but you were also betrayed. Now, in every R you have you're constantly looking for signs of betrayal..." Yes, when my D13 passed out at the family picnic and then suffered that cut at the cottage I was scared, I had these fears I was going to lose her! My father's illness brought up the thoughts of losing him too. Loss is a biggie for me and to top it off with trying to figure out how to trust people again...well, that's a load. She said that I'm doing well, I'm aware of my feelings and I have to let myself feel them. It's like a movie, she said, that's still not over and you don't know how it's going to turn out. My anxiety is pretty understandable. She also said that the continual stressful events that keep coming out of nowhere in my life are keeping me uptight. She said I'm trying to figure out the next step of my life but don't know what that step will be. I told her I feel like I've just come back from war. During the battle I knew what I had to do and did it but now that I'm back home I just don't know what to do. I told her I feel this huge pain inside me that I just don't think others can understand. Well, that's my day so far. I'm rather tired after driving downtown for my appointment, that's like going to battle in itself! I think I'll just take it easy this afternoon, maybe hit the park and read. Btw, she also said "I don't know whether you'll ever be completely over this". I guess it's like my best friend once told me, he'd lost his Dad and younger brother in the same week. He said "you never get over it, you just learn to deal with it better"
I can relate to what your C was saying. My C and I have worked very hard in the area of "red flags" when new people come in my life. I'm not just talking about a new romantic R but really anybody that is "new" in my life post divorce. Logically I know if I am always looking for "red flags" I am probably missing out on the good side of somebody new but it's not always easy to put that logic into play.
It's like saying... gee, you are a nice person and I find you interesting and kind but you can't be my friend because you have a cat and I don't like cats. The cat must be a red flag. It's the truest form of self insulation and one that is very challenging to overcome.
I can't say how to do it exactly because I am still figuring it out myself. I guess the fact that we realize this "flaw" means we are farther along than we think.
"I told her I feel this huge pain inside me that I just don't think others can understand."
You know, I think we really do understand. I think maybe you don't think we do because you've been avoiding looking at it yourself...
And, this is probably the most honest I've ever see you be. You are doing better than you see right now. Really, really.
So sorry about your Dad and I hope he is on the mend. Hugs.
I'm not good at feeling or presenting as vulnerable. I don't like it! I've fought my ass off to be where I am today and to keep my kids safe and healthy through this mess and I often feel I'm just spinning my wheels! Shrink says I'm not, you say I'm not but I don't feel it sometimes. Today I'm tired and that effects my mood. For most of this week I've been flying high and actually enjoying my little trips and time off. Initially, I was so nervous about this week alone, without work and the kids but it's been really good. Today, I'm just a little wacked out probably from the massage last night. But, I am hurting emotionally and that pain is very real inside me. My kids and my wife went away together to do something we used to do as a family, that hurts. I didn't mean to infer that DBers don't understand. I've mentioned this before, the loss of a marriage is not just an event in one's life, it's a trauma! It's like something is ripped out of your soul and it's scary to think about whether you'll ever be whole again. I'd pray more but I don't trust God either...that's being honest, anyway! I once met with my Pastor and said during the discussion about my life "I don't trust you and I don't trust God" and at the end of our meeting he hugged me and said "Whatis, thank you for trusting me tonight". I shall overcome...just not today!
I understand!!! Truly I do. I'm just further along in the journey than you and I've been at it 3 times as long - 9 years for me!
I know where I was at after 3.5 years. I was still VERY angry. I was still very hurt. I was trying to rebuild and move forward and I was trying to date again. At the 3.5 year mark I had just started dating Josh. And I still talked about my H and my anger WAY TOO MUCH! But it was my way of dealing with it. It probably nearly cost me my new relationship because I had not finished healing.
But it is really true that what does not kill us makes us stronger. You can mourn the life that you thought your were supposed to have, but really - it is not the life you were meant to have. You have to put your former hopes and dreams to rest. You have to open your heart and mind to your new life. You have to ALLOW it to evolve.
I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to know what I'm doing 5 years from now. And 10 years from now. When my H left I didn't know what I was going to do 10 minutes from now. But I had to learn to Keep the Faith. There is a new and possibly better life waiting for you when you are ready to accept it.
I ran into a girl I know today. I've known her since before I got married. She watched me as I got married, had my little boys. I used to run into her about once a year or so. She was devestated when Ryan got sick and got brain damage. She got married. Had 2 children. Then I remember reading in the paper that her 6 year old son was killed in an ATV accident. I could not even imagine her grief. (well, in a way, I COULD). Then her marriage failed. And I ran into her from time to time. And we commisserated at the hair salon on occasion. Loss of a child. Loss of marriages. But holding it together for our other kids.
I ran into Eva again today. She was so full of life. Introduced me to her daughter, now 10. She told me she loves reading about my life on Facebook. How much she admires how well I have rebuilt my life after adversity. I told her that I always felt the same about her. She told me she learned from watching me - it gave her faith that life went on. We both talked about different people we had met and how much we have learned from our own tragedies. How we can understand and sometimes help others because we understand what many other people might not.
Eva casually mentioned her new boyfriend and she had such a glow about her. Seeing her just made me feel so good inside.
Each of us is on our own timeframe. But sometimes we have to put up the STOP sign and say enough. I started to interrupt myself when I got too obsessed about all that was happening. I made myself STOP. I made myself stop thinking about it. I made myself stop talking about it. I made myself get out and smell the roses.
I'm not beating you up here, Wii. I am really just trying to reassure you that things are going to get better. And better. I just need you to believe it. If Eva and I could recover - you can recover too. And you will. In your own time...
Do you know anyone I know. lol I know Romeo, but you also know my first name. I believe I am the only one in Topeka. 
Btw, the shadow shot is now my profile picture, neat eh!