Ironically, it wasn't really a PP. More an introspective look at where I am right now and I was questioning my motives last night.
In essence, I was almost worried that you and Missherlove specifically were right and that W's A would implode sooner than later.
So before you say "You're getting ahead of yourself again" hear me out.
My mind immediately went to a hopeful state when I heard again of the imminent implosion. But my thoughts turned to "would I take her (more appropriately LET her)back in." Clearly, if she was willing to do the work, I'd be as selfish as she if I refused to at least explore the possibility of rebuilding our family/M. That's why I'm here, right?
So, now I'm struck by this thought. There is no way I have done enough work on me and internalized it for permanence. I can't correct years of bad habits in four months.
Granted, W would need 6 months of withdrawal to even be close to capable of "working' on anything.
But then I think something weirder. Do I actually NEED the affair to go on longer in order for me to be ready? And the more time that goes by, the more different I'll be. No way I can answer the question of whether I'd accept her back from wherever this journey leads me. yeah, odd thought alright.
So now I'm really concerned that the initial hope indicates that I was DB'ing to get her back and this tells me that it was no more than another "quick fix" rather than a solution. I did this in every "discussion" she and I had about the M. She would complain; I would defend/deflect and placate/promise just to stop the complaints/criticisms. Failed to truly LISTEN and/or validate. Or follow through.(see ACT) The fact I SEE that speaks volumes.
But it also tells me that at this point I'd quickly regress to the old habits and I'd be right back here next year.
So, the point was that NOW I REALLY have to work on me. And so I've started journalling out my personal tasks as far as "things to corect" and "behaviours to address".
Start practicing- 1 Boundaries- state them; hold and adjust/RE-state as required. (they are useless if nobdy knows them) 2 Treating others as they deserve to be treated-call them on chit (expect and appreciate the reverse!) 3 Listening 'completely'-shut OFF my internal dialog/answers (e.g. What should I ask rather than 'tell'?) 4 Expressing my own feelings w/out defending them. They're mine. (I'm entitled to them. The feeling behind the emotion) 5 Asking myself WHY I have those feelings-tells me what? 6 Accepting other's feelings without personlizing/judging. (Those are their feelings. Did I contribute?) 7 Understanding that W has her own journey to make. (Can't fix; stop; explain; or talk her through it. HERS!) 8 Leading through ACTION is all I can do. For ME, D2 and anyone else (including W)I come across in life.
That's not where I intended to go with this but that's where I ended up.
