WWHHHAAAAHHH!!! I'm so bummed! My C is retiring at the end of the month and there is no other C in the office that has room in their schedule for me. Also, they lose money when I'm there since they are seeing me for about 1/5 of their usual fee. Soooo....as of 31AUG I no longer will have C. I've come a long way but I know I have a LONG way to go still. I've got some skills now so hopefully I can work through them on my own.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
So how are things with Gabe going? Any changes? Can your C recommend you to someone else who might be able to get you in? Yes, you have come a long way. This is going to work out, just have faith.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Things with Gabe are going ok. We enjoy each other's company, he's being affectionate (which is really out of character), and that's about it. I've decided to just be ok with that. We aren't going to have deep conversations, we won't be discussing the past and what went wrong, and we won't be discussing any possible future either. It's here and now and that will have to be enough. It's totally against my nature, but I'm working on it. My C said something that has resonated with me. She said, "If you are ok with the status quo and can live with not knowing what direction you are headed and are having sex with him because you were lonely then that is ok. If you are with him only because you don't want to be alone, that is ok too. Just know that you decided it was ok. Own it. If it becomes not ok, then change it. Don't accept something that is not acceptable to you."
Sounds simple enough, right? Well...not simple but I am owning it. I realized that having him there, helping to raise Marc and being a companion to me had become more important that my need to feel loved. If that makes me a failure in all of your eyes, I'm sorry. It's just something I'm coming to grips with. Some people find love, passion, soulmates.......others just don't and won't because that is not who we are. I'm not a deep enough individual to be able to do that. It would require far to much of myself and I understand now that is just not who I am.
My C has been a wonderful help. She could refer me outside of the office but it is unlikely that I would be able to convince that new office to take me with no insurance and at a significantly reduced payment. It's ok. My coping mechanisms are much better than they were. I'm not totally self-flagillating (how the heck do you spell that???) anymore so it's a big improvement. The depression doesn't end up in suicidal outpourings to God to just kill me anymore. That's HUGE! I'm pretty happy with that. I'm functioning ok and that has improved my life in many ways.
Once I put everything in realistic perspective, set a couple of boundaries with Gabe regarding contact with other women while he is sleeping with me, and stood my ground with my mom a little more, I felt much more in control. I have plenty of moments that I'm not feeling so good, but they are farther between.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
There's a book by Eckhart Tolles about living in the now. That sounds like what your C is saying. Live in the Now. If today is good, great, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
There's a book by Eckhart Tolles about living in the now. That sounds like what your C is saying. Live in the Now. If today is good, great, tomorrow will take care of itself.
The heat is NEVER going to break here. I swear (often!)!!!
It has been over 90F since 5JUL without a break. Of course, our humidity is brutal too so all in all there is only one word for it.....MISERABLE!
Making matters worse, I had a wedding to go to yesterday. Yes folks, you guessed it, OUTDOORS. CRAZY KIDS! It was in a beautiful location but the heat was oppressive. The only time I was actually in the sun was for the ceremony and I still managed to get a sunburn on my back where my dress didn't cover.
FYI - If any of you ladies own a pair on Spanx, don't wear them when you know you are going to get sweaty. It makes going to the ladies room virtually impossible. It was like trying to stuff a sausage back into it's casing!!! LOL
This is only the 3rd wedding I've been to since the bomb and I do have to say it wasn't quite as bad as the first two. This one was not a family member though so I wasn't as close to the action. However, I did find myself tearing up watching the 'couples dance'. I don't know if they are doing this all over the country or if this is a southern thing. I had never seen it before the first wedding post bomb. They have all the couples attending the reception come out and dance and have couples leave the dance floor as they call years of M, like those M'd less than 5 years, less than 10 years and so on. They got to less than 65 years and finally got it down to on couple....the groom's grandparents.....64 years!!! I was teary eyed watching that dance because I kept thinking that if we hadn't fallen apart we would have made it about halfway through that song....sigh.....
Of course, my cynical side wars with my sentimental side so the other part of my brain kept making snarky comments. They were funny but I was so happy that I can control my mouth and not say them out loud! People would have been horrified! LOL
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
