Need some encouragement

[kissak]

Well, my H has been home since April...we have been pretty much back together since Dec 09. He of course asked in October to come home. Things have been going good for the most part. His depression and down moments seem fewer and far between.

Right now he is on a low....and IM the one needing encouragement. I find a part of me preparing myself for another heartbreak, but I think that is just my survival instincts kicking in. IDK.

A couple of weeks ago I went away for a girls weekend. He encouraged me to go. I had a pretty good time. Although, on that Saturday his attitude was short with me by texts and phone calls. He was ticked off about something. But of course, he said he was "fine".

When I got home, I asked what was wrong that day, he said "dont know". Well, since then he has been acting down. Last weekend he didnt want to do anything with me or the kids. Just sat around the house. Even disappear for a few minutes to go to the store without telling us he was leaving. THAT bothered me. Brought back abandonment feelings. BUT I really didnt say anything, cuz he seemed in a mood.

Well, I havent seen him much at all this week between work and other priorites on his part. Last night though for the brief time I saw him, it was weird. He came home, and went into the bathroom to shower and all, and he LOCKED the door! He NEVER locks the door. I knocked and asked if I could come in and he said not right now. ??? ok, so I was thinking he was just needing some quiet time...ok, fine whatever.

Then I go to bed and he goes into the living room and sits facing the hall way....I go into the kitchen for a drink of water...he is texting away. I say nothing, then I go back into the kitchen again and it seemed like he hide his phone from me seeing him texting again....by this point Im bothered enough that I ask who is texting him this late at night....he has the look...like he had been caught or something...he said "just friends". THen I just walk away and while I was walking away he said "matter of fact one was just asking about you". I said nothing, just went to bed. MAD. So I lay there waiting for him to come to bed. Deciding how to bring up the fact that when ever I ask who he is texing (and I dont ask hardly ever).

Sorry this is so long....but he comes to bed, I ask him how come when I ask who he is texting all he will say is friends. Do these friends have names???? Well, at that point, he goes into this defensive mood....I keep my voice calm and low. I said it just seemed like he was hiding something from me and it was bothering me...oh, That was where I guess I made a mistake!! HE said in a rather loud voice "YOU think I AM hiding something from YOU??" Incinuating that I myself act that way all the time! Paranoid! I was taken back and asked why he thought that. He said because I would go and sit on the back porch or walk outside for no reason.?????? ugh!

Then he goes into this whole, I dont go to bars, go out and blah blah blah. I have to tell him to quiet it down by then. HE then tells me two different people that were texting him that night. I could tell he werent being completely honest about everyone who was texting him. He goes on to say that he has friends. Some who would rather not let anyone know they text him. WHAT???

UGH! Ok, maybe Im blowing things way out of here, but he was sooo defensive when all I asked was one question. I did tell him that I just wanted him to be able to talk to me, that I wanted COMMUNICATION! He said when he felt the need to talk to me, he would he told me he was trying to sort some things out lately, and that he has also just found out that he OW had broke up with her bf, not that he gave a *%#@, but for some reason it was affecting him in some little way and he was having to deal with it.

OMG. Its been a while since his last down time, but this one is bad. AND I am having serious trust issues right now. I dont know what to do. I did try to stay calm during the discussion, and he said he werent mad or anything, but Im so confused as to what to think now. It may pass, but why does he think its ok for him to have woman friends texting him...married ones even. I know he likes to be the helper, but I cant seem to say anything to him, without getting him angry. And when I do disappear outside or to the porch to sit by myself, its usually just to think about what is wrong with him at that moment because he wont tell me.

Needless to say, I had a bad night last night. But keep most of my feelings to myself. I feel like i need to get my db book back out and read it.

Maybe I should have never said anything to him about the texting. IDK.

Anybody have any advice for me?

Thanks for listening though...I feel like I cant talk to anyone around me about this now. I dont want anyone to worry that things may not be all that great with us.

Sorry, just a bit down today and looking for encouragement.

[LanceSijan]

Kissak,

I am trying to remember back to our conversations in April/May.
Maybe I will go look them up but what comes to mind for me right now is that he is not and has not been done with his crisis. Maybe he is leaving depression stage and going into withdrawal. You must dig deeper for more patience. In withdrawal stage they can become the opposite of who they were.

You have done nothing wrong but you must stay detached and let him work this out on his own. When he is saying that he has to work things out, that is exactly true. During withdrawal there is more processing and decisions to be made.

Going into the bathroom and locking the door is like a teenager action. He still has more growing to do.

I hope I am reading this all correctly and he has truly entered this stage. I will go back and try to read our conversations from the spring and see if I can remember anything else.

No matter what keep your expectations low and stay detached and you will be fine.

[MHL]

Kissak,

Good to see you here. Sorry for what is going on with your H.

You have been around for far too long to know what is going on with your H, so it will not come as a shock that he has probably re-established contact with the OW. For what purpose, who knows but we all know that this simply will not work in a healthy marriage.

You are living in fear right now and fear is ruling your life. He is going to do whatever he is going to do and you can not control that. The only person you can control is you. Time to get strong again and let him know what it is you are wanting out of a relationship with your him.

I would assume that in the conversations leading up to his return home that you and him were able to talk about some things openly. You can't be afraid of what he may do in response to you letting him know what you want out of your marriage.

I think you should have another discussion with him but should be short and sweet and very matter of fact. I would not tell him "we need to talk" that will immediately put him on the defensive. If you could catch him at a time when the kids are not around and it would also come off as if you said it in passing.

You might say something to the effect of:

H, i have been thinking about things that have been happening for the last couple of weeks and I tought that I should share my feelings with you rather than tuck them away and pretend I am not feeling them. It is only fair to you to let you know what I am feeling because you can't read my mind.

When you contact other women via texting however innocent it may be, I experience feelings of uneasiness, anxeity, and mistrust. I want nothing more in the world then to be happy with you again for us to rediscover what a healthy loving marriage should be like. However these feelings are going to interfere with that outcome. I am hoping that you can help me with this by giving me some assurances that you are committed to our marriage. I would love to hear any thing you have to say or any feelings you may have about this when you are ready.

And then go do something else in the house, laundry, mow the yard, go for a run whatever....you have something else to do and you really aren't expecting him to discuss it right now. It is probably best that you don't discuss it right then.

Men do not handle these conversations very well, in fact there is a physical reaction that occurs that causes most men to want to do one of 2 things....Fight or Flight.

If you say what you gotta say and then get away he will have time to process his emotions without doing either one of those things.

Have you read "How to Imoprove Your Marriage Without Talking About It" ?

It explains some of the dynamic you and your husband are in right now. It is a cycle and you guys are feeding each other and the cycle can get out of hand real quick.

I hope this helps, is your H MLC??? and What did the reconciliation look like back in December to March?

[LanceSijan]

MHL just to remind you that you were in a five way conversation with Kissak and me on the alt in May.

Not sure if you all remember that.

[MaMaMo]

Didn't you post something the other day about the ow breaking up with her boyfriend?

Did she get in contact with him again?

[MHL]

Sorry, I don't remember, but I will go back and check. I am usually a big proponent of reading or re-reading someones sitch before posting any "hard" advice. I am sorry if I am off base here.

However, and again I am making an assumption that Relationship talks have resumed based on \/\/\/\/\/\/ this.....

I ask him how come when I ask who he is texting all he will say is friends. Do these friends have names???? Well, at that point, he goes into this defensive mood....I keep my voice calm and low. I said it just seemed like he was hiding something from me and it was bothering me...oh, That was where I guess I made a mistake!! HE said in a rather loud voice "YOU think I AM hiding something from YOU??" Incinuating that I myself act that way all the time! Paranoid! I was taken back and asked why he thought that. He said because I would go and sit on the back porch or walk outside for no reason.?????? ugh!

Then he goes into this whole, I dont go to bars, go out and blah blah blah. I have to tell him to quiet it down by then. HE then tells me two different people that were texting him that night. I could tell he werent being completely honest about everyone who was texting him. He goes on to say that he has friends. Some who would rather not let anyone know they text him. WHAT???

I am of the opinion that if R talks are going on and have been then there is no reason to stop if you can have these conversations and work things out. This is where things have to eventually head to....Right????

I do think that the conversations need to be worded differently so as not to drive either party into a corner or feel like they are being attacked.

Kissak's H can not argue with her feelings and as long as she is communicating how she feels and not communicating that she wants to control his behavior then the discussion would be more productive.

[kissak]

Hey guys, thanks for responding.

Well, lets see, let me answer the easy question first...

MaMaMo...I dont think she got in contact with him again. Matter of fact, my H just found out about the OW and her BF breaking up day before yesterday. I have known it since the weekend. So, I dont believe she is in contact with him. I think he wishes she would talk to him, to have them be friends like before and she doesnt want that at all and it hurts him.

Lance...Im trying to stay detached. I do believe he is acting like a teenager by locking himself in the bathroom. Other ways he has acted recently makes me think that too. He went and sat in his truck the other day because the kids were getting on his nerves. He could have just sent them to their rooms like I did when I saw him sitting in his truck.

I agree he werent done with his MLC when he came back, but it all seemed so different this time, like he was ready this time. I do see him dealing differently with his feelings...which seems to be good. Before he just werent dealing with them.

Missherlove, I believe he was and still is in MLC. Your right, my H does not handle "talk's" like this well...fight or flight...thats about right.

I do want him to communicate, but last night I feel like he was saying that I want to control him. That was not it at all! I just thought that I should know his friends...

I forgot to mention when he said I was the one that seemed to be hiding stuff, that I offered up my cellphone then and there for him to look at! He said he werent interested.

WIthdrawal seems like what is going on...I think...not sure why such a long stretch went by this time before he was down again.

[LanceSijan]

This is the same crisis. It didn't end when he came back. He maybe seemed a little different. He was likely in depression stage and now he is still moving along in the tunnel. That is good. Everything you are seeing is just more of the crisis. It is a little shocking/surprising but it is completly normal(for MLC). I don't think by what you are saying that he has gone back to replay. But that doesn't mean he was done when you finished replay. You still have to work on rebuilding your marriage. He still has to break withdrawal and all the decisions that go with that.

Up to breaking withdrawal they are still processing, still deciding whether they want to stay married.
Even into acceptance there is more going on and you may see some strange things.
You might want to re-read these stages again to refresh your memory, and then ask some more questions.

[kissak]

Thanks LS

WHat your saying makes alot of sense. Im thankful that he is still in counseling. Although he wont go back to his IC until Monday. I think she helps alot. I guess Im worried about him doing the deciding to stay or go bit. I have been thinking he had already made that decision about things. I mean, HE wanted to do the stop child support thing. We even had to go to court over it. We have both gotten new vehicles recently which we will have a hard time affording if he goes again. Im hoping he wont go anywhere and is just trying to work through things. He still will tell me he loves me when I say it first, which seems good. He would NEVER do that before!

I will reread those stages again. Im just trying to figure out how to go about things while he works through this. DO I just let things go and try not to worry about them?

[kissak]

This is the withdrawal stage....sounds about right.

It is also during this time, they will navigate obstacles and question themselves, somewhat, working their way toward what is called the "final fears" Not much is known about what the final fears contain-I think it is beginning to accept the death of everything they have ever known, including the death of their "old" lives; AND beginning to accept their own mortality without being afraid of it-Depression sets them up for this journey across an open field toward an archway to face these fears. During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.

Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time

They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.

You will see some Depression and Anger within them, they are mostly angry at themselves, but will take it out on you, and there are times you will have to be quiet and just leave them alone; letting them work things out, and they usually will, as the answers, such as they are STILL come from within them, not outside sources.

As they begin to come forward, they will begin the journey out of the tunnel-entering the first stage of Acceptance.

Withdrawal can last from three months to one year.