Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

So, it seemed like we were regaining some connectedness and trust over the last 2-3 weeks, but I may have messed things up a little last night. Part of my effort to 180 is to be very responsive now to things when my W requests help from me at her apartment (in contrast to my neglect before while computer addicted). So, I put together her furniture, etc. etc. (sidenote, she always asks me my opinion of stuff she bought and says she is buying things we could use if she moves back in). So, yesterday, she asked me to come over and put together a storage unit things for the girls' room and hang up some pictures and art pieces on the walls. She asked me to do this in part because she is still recovering from her surg and can't really do it herself.

So, I come over and we have a good dinner with the girls, I put them to bed while she is working on finding a new job on her laptop, and we laugh about some funny kids' videos. Positive, small-talk interactions, but fun vibe like we used to have. She also showed me her boobs and asked if they looked good (her surg was a boob reduction) and had me feel them again.

I start putting the stuff together and hanging up pictures, and I get bothered by a coat hanger thing that says "HOME." I get into self-doubt internal talk about why am I putting up this stuff for her in her new "home" and facilitating her leaving and staying away. Then, she tells me that she is chatting with 5 friends on facebook (3 women, 2 guys that I do believe are just "friends" though there may be slight EA aspect to them) and that annoyed me because I started thinking, I'm hanging up your HOME sign for you my separated wife who won't do MC and you're happily chatting away with friends? I started feeling taking advantage of and doormat-ty but tried to control myself. W noticed something was wrong as I was on my way out the apt and asked what was up, and I told her I was feeling a little taken advantage of and that it was difficult for me to put up a HOME sign for my separated W.

She gets defensive and angry and says I am accusing her of abusing me. I stay calm and say I understand she feels angry and accused. I tell her I am not accusing her, I am letting her know how I felt, and I didn't really want her to do anything or say anything, I was just expressing my feelings to her. She started getting anxious saying I was trying to control her and who she talked to (a strong theme between us about her feeling controlled). I told her I could see how she felt controlled, but this wasn't about who she was talking to. I wasn't even sure what it was about or what I wanted (if anything) other than I was having these feelings and was sharing them with her because she asked me what was up. Eventually I left. I thought about it some overnight and called her in the morning to apologize for hurting her and making her feel anxious and controlled. I told her that I had gone over voluntarily to help her on her invitation and she did not deserve for me to treat her that way since I had agreed to what I was doing. That I should have done a better job of controlling or managing my own insecurity/anxiety about putting her stuff up rather than trying to control or change her behavior. I asked her if she could forgive me and she said yes.

This is a tension I go through in lots of our interactions. A significant part of my 180'ing with her and depositing love units by being responsive when asked to do something I can do. This is based on my neglect of her before and showing her my love of her by being responsive to her even for things like helping her get "her place" all set up. In some ways, though, this seems like it could degenerate into doormat behavior. But, at the end of the day, I hurt her terribly over a fairly long time. We aren't even 3 months into separation and things seem less negative than before so it seems to be "working" in some way. It's just hard to control that inner voice that says you are helping her leave and stay away. My other inner voice counsels patience, and stay the course as does my IC. Thoughts?