Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

Hi fellow DBers. Thanks for reading here,

I have been reading forum since mid-June and have read and re-read DR among other self-help books, but I am hopeful for more ideas and support from you good people on my sich. Will try to repay in kind as I can.

Short version of my current sitch is that my wife dropped an "I am Done, I am Leaving you and Divorcing you" bomb ca. April 23. I did the common begging/pleading/promising/pursuing to change/crying/etc. mistakes throughout May while I helped her get her nearby apartment setup. She was very non-functional throughout May while still living at home overwhelmed by waves of anxiety, depression, and anger. She finally moved out late May when apartment was ready, and we have been physically separated since then with no evidence or discussion of lawyering or filing for divorce on her end. She had been in IC at that time which she is continuing, and I immediately entered IC upon her bomb. She continues to decline MC to date, saying she is "not ready for that right now."

I consider her reasons for giving an ultimatum/leaving as extremely justified, and, frankly, she had much more patience than she should have. To be blunt, I hurt her severely by allowing myself to become addicted to online computer games for 2 years, resulting in gross neglect of her and our family, and during that time I ALSO engaged in concurrent EA's with two women from the games in Fall of 2008. The EA's included the women sending me pornographic material (pics and text) that my wife discovered. I had already stopped the affairs at the time that my wife discovered the material, but I compounded her hurt by not re-engaging her and being remorseful when she gave me the chance and by continuing to play the games secretively behind her back because I was so damn addicted to them. Around May of 2009, she discovered that I was still secretively playing the games, and she fully emotionally shut down to me. We began an in-house separation at that time with me sleeping on the couch and hoping she would come around trying to do nice things for her, but she was very angry and anxious about the past EA's and my failure to accept what I should have been responsible for. During this time I did keep trying to engage her, but she pretty much didn't want any part of me. After a couple of months of this, I "relapsed" and got myself hooked on ANOTHER game that I played openly up to the time that my wife eventually had had enough. There were additional serious eff-ups on my part during this period, including the fact that we tried MC around the time that I was engaged in the EA's, and I made out as if everything was ok in order to stop the MC and continue the EA's. Seriously, it's a miracle she didn't leave much earlier.

Her separating from me finally brought me out of my fog, so I can definitely attest to the power that separating/ultimatums can have on a wayward spouse (which I essentially was during this period). My IC has helped me get my personal life back on track in many, many respects. All gameplaying and accounts ended as of the bomb (late April), no cravings or desire to go back at all anymore. Reconnected with real-life friends. Taking pride in self and appearance. Regular exercise (lost 30 pounds while putting on muscle). Regular social outings instead of living in house like hermit playing games. Wonderful relationships re-developed with my girls (who I have 50% of the time). Calmer, less irritable self. Better able to express things I want assertively instead of withdrawing narcissistically. Better able to control self when I get anxious rather than controlling or blaming others. I went 2x/week for IC for the first month and have gone have gone weekly since, so I have been to ca. 20 sessions. My therapist really "gets" me, so I've been able to do alot of work.

I recognize there are issues about my W, myself, and our interactions that led me to withdraw in the way that I did. I have been working on the issues with myself that I can in IC and, some of them have already extended better interactions with my W. I also have been following the DB precepts -- stopped pursuit, validating and listening to her feelings, 180's out the wazoo. She has noticed the changes in me, saying how happy she is that I I seem happier and sorry that it took her moving out for it to happen. She has noticed me exercising and my improved physical appearance. She has noticed me being a much better Dad and being patient with the girls. She also I think has noticed and thanked me for allowing her to express herself and listen to her feelings. We talk longer and about things more varied than just the girls now on the phone. She also had me as her caregiver at her apartment to help her recover from a surgery she had a couple of weeks ago, and that time was positive in our relationship in that I think she regained some trust in me, and I validated her hurt every time she brought it up and expressed how sorry I was for hurting her.

So, today, we are a bit under 3 months since she moved out. She is less anxious, angry and depressed than when she moved out. She still has ALOT of fear about letting herself be vulnerable to me again, though, and says she can only be friends with me "right now," that she is not ready for MC "yet," that she still has things she wants to work on herself (regaining self-esteem, bettering some other aspects of our life). She is sharing some more aspects of her personal life with me now that she had walled off previously, and we are talking about aspects of our personal lives other than just the kids. Most recently, she has hugged me more (5-6 times in last 2 weeks vs. 2 times in previous 3 months) and even called me "honey" and "baby" which she had not done in over a year. I've seen progress on my list of short-term DB "taking stock" goals that I made in June. She also told me a couple of days ago that she was confused about what she wanted (this was right after she called me baby and I asked her if she was talking to me cause I was so surprised she said it). That she felt herself drawn to me again, but she was scared, and maybe we would be better off being friends or "best friends." I told her I understood that she was scared and even terrified, and I understood why she felt that way and that I was sorry for hurting her. Told her I was committed to helping her feel safe eventually. I also told her that I did not see being just "best friends" as viable for me in the long-term. She thanked me for listening to her and her feelings.

That's more or less where things stand now, I will post more on the next message.