I want her to know I want to be with her, I want our family. I don't want her to feel I "need". I understand that putting any type of pressure on her displays signs of neediness from me. So, detaching myself from the "need" allows me to GAL and shows her how independant I am without her. But, what about the "want", what happens to that with detachment?
I want her to know I want to be with her, I want our family.
Early on when the fit hit the shan, dod you tell her this??
If so, it had already been said. She heard you the first time and it doesn't need to be said again.
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, detaching myself from the "need" allows me to GAL and shows her how independant I am without her.
" Showing her you are independent is a good thing. The "want" will be shown when you detach in a loving way. Treat her as a friend. Or even a stranger.
Listen to her, validate her feelings and continue to detach.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
My apologies, for being so stubborn. I really appreciate the patience and continued support.
I feel am having to utilize some anger and resentment, in order to keep me away from her, to detach. It feels unhealthy. I feel that anger was a barrier in having a healthy relationship in the first place. It was never an issue of violence, just an interference with communication - sharing feelings, feeling safe. Shame. All rooted from childhood. I do alot of reading and see a Therapist (the MC that we initially saw..I kept going). I do this because I am not happy with the way things were in my life, and I owe it to my WAW for awakening me.
I really need to keep my emotions in check while I GAL and detach. I hope she doesn't see my recent behaviour as anger, afraid the DBing will backfire.
I don't come off as angry, but she can know obviously see that I have stepped back. Sigh..I am analyzing again.
You'll get it and when you do you'll know it. It just clicks one day.
That's why we are all here- to better ourselves and learn from others.
I this follow sating: There are three types of people in the world- 1. the Stupid ignorant who will never learn no matter what. 2. Smart people who made their mistakes and learned from them 3. The wise folks who learn from OTHER peoples mistakes.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Hi GR8, I was going to PM you but I see that option is disabled. Do you have any links or suggestions for 180's?, I think that would be a great place to start for me. I have the right intentions, I just need some further inspiration, drive, focus...etc. Its easy to fall off the track sometimes.
So far, I have found some information on what a 180 actually is. That is it so far. Well, I did find some Motorcycle stunts as well...but I decided to keep off of Crotch Rockets back when I was in my late teens...after spending some time in a Hospital.
It's about doing the opposite of what you're doing now.
eg. if you come home from work say hi to W then go watch TV while she makes dinner, a 180 would be come home say hi to W then offer to help her make dinner. or even they her the day before that you will take care of dinner by yourself.
You have to look at what you have been doing and change that behavior.
Right now your W knows how you will act in certain situations. You changing your actions will make her notice them b/c she's not used to seeing the new you.
It forces her to respond in a different way towards you.
Does that make sense?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
ya, total sense. Thats what I figured it was all about. I had thought I was doing 180's, but I was also looking for a reaction from her at the same time - hence blowing it and pressuring her again. Those weren't true 180's, in retrospect. I know what I need to do now, all part of my picnic that started on Friday.
Man, I really wish I could do 180's in the same household...would be my dream come true to walk in for supper and she is there.
Also, these need to be done b/c you WANT to do them for you. If you are doing them for her, she will notice that and discredit you.
You wanting to hear back forom her is needy and unatrractive..
These are also life time changes and need to be done with consistency.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I certainly do want changes for the benefit of my own well being, as they can only be that..at this point. Like I said, she really opened my eyes. This is my opportunity..that she has given to me. Its my choice on how I want to deal with it.
I feel anxious about moving forward, doing some 180's. But I will need to take them in baby steps.
The future seems so uncertain, and I know I have to think "in the now". It can be difficult when it involves children. When she left, I agreed to let her have sole custody of the kids..for now. Because I didn;t want to hurt her..I wanted to give her the space and time she needed. But I know, in my heart and as a devoted father...if our marriage isn't saved. My perspective will change. I will want my children 50% of the time - and I know it will break her heart.
I know you want to change, that's why we are all here. We want to understand , learn and improve oursevles.
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The future seems so uncertain,
Yes in some ways, but remember no matter the outcome you WILL BE OK!
If you want to see your kids more I would suggest getting a schedule in place so you get to see them 50% of the time.
My W and I agreed to that from the beginning, I repected her decision to do that. Our meeting in May we talked about the kids schedule for school and she tried to get them M-F and I could have them on the weekend. I said I would think about that.
After going through other items in question I went back to her suggestion and said "No, I can't give up my time with the kids. I feel we should leave the schedule the way it is now 50/50."
And that's what we are doing.
If were going to divide everything else 50/50 then time is in that mix.
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I will want my children 50% of the time - and I know it will break her heart.
Do not worry about her feelings on this matter. They are your kids too, you love them and they need a father figure in their life.
You didn't have anything signed for the custody did you??
Tell her you want your equal time with the kids. She will probably give you sh!t but it's not about her, it's about you being a great dad.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
