Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[steady]

Should I say you have until Monday to conclude all contact with her?

What do you want? What is your time limit? It can be 10 minutes from now if that's what you want. You're looking at it backwards. You're thinking - how much time does HE need in order to do this... now turn that around - how much time are YOU WILLING to give him? That's your answer.

This weekend should I ask him to go stay in a hotel, ignore him around the house, or take the kids and go visit a friend?

Again, what do you want? Take away the - 'Well if I do this....then this may happen' thinking. What do you want to do for you and your D. What is BEST for you and them?

I thought I was so prepared to be non-negotiable and the gravity of the situation and my sleeping babies in the next room turned me back to mush.

Don't beat yourself up over this. We all have been there and done that. You are learning something that's directly opposite of how you have probably been your whole life.

I don't want them thinking this is acceptable.

This is, in my opinion, one of your greatest motivators. You need to be the example of a healthy parent making strong and healthy decisions for you and your D's. If your daughter's were grown and one of them was going through what you are going through, what would you advise her to do? Would you want her tolerate such flagrant disrespect and irresponsibility from her H?

He has said he is trying to get her to go away, and obviously he is being too nice about it.

Like I posted earlier. Cutting off is cutting off. A swift, sharp, decisive blow is what is needed. Do you think for a second if he absolutely made up his mind to break contact he couldn't absolutely do it on the spot?

If he has until Monday maybe he can feel that he wrapped things up with her in a way that he is satisfied with and that comes from him so it won't be a 'you took her away' thing.

Why are you taking responsibility for him? Understandably your thinking is reversed. We need to swing you around 180 degrees. Maybe he can feel he is satisfied, maybe he won't? How could you possibly know?

Why does that even matter? He is responsible to make a choice based on a boundary you draw. If he doesn't like it, well that's his problem. What if he tells you he needs 6 months to break it off? What if he can never do it in a way he is 'satisfied'?

This is NOT about you controlling him and 'taking something away' from him. This is about YOU. We keep pointing your attention back onto you and away from him.

He feels that he's had to give up everything to be with me and lost his friends and family because of my. Ironically, I feel similarly that I gave everything up for him. Who's right? No one, but we both feel that way. He is going to add this to things to resent me for if I force him to make her gone NOW vs when he's ready. But I also can't wait forever.

Could you wait until one second before forever? You are stalling making a time frame boundary.

I'm sorry if I'm so dense about this. I thought I had it all clear and figured out yesterday.

Don't apologize for being who you are. You don't need to defend, explain or rationalize. You are who you are.

We don't 'get it', until we 'get it'. Some get there quicker than others. You are trying to completely reverse a lifetime of people pleasing and focusing on what you think other people need - instead of taking care of your needs.

This is obvious by your posts and the direction you are facing.

You deserve to take care of yourself. You need to do this in order to teach your D's how to do it. They learn by your actions and not your words. I know they are too young right now but as they grow what kind of example do you want them to see and grow into?