Her lying is her denail. She lives in a world very diffrent from other people's... So when you say something, she hears something very different.. to her its not lying, its what she heard and is sincerely hurt..
Part of her knows its nto what you said, but she can't hold onto that, her disorder takes control.
Is it a disorder? The tehcnical def is that the subject can't live a normal life...
I would say if she's been a major part in destroying her son's marriage and driving her daughter away then its a disorder.
And yes, when her H and son keep quiet they ENABLE her and it just allows the illness to THRIVE...
The only thing I would have given as advice if it was sought from me is to put a plan togehter of what you are willing to do to accomodate her...
Write it down, share it with her... That way she can't LIE to her son.. you just show him the paper and say "see, this is what I said I woudl do to help"... I am very big on putting as much in writing as possible.. I dont' favour verbal exchagnes on delciate topics... its too easy to end up trapped.
Put a list of the things she wants done regularly and do the ones you are ok with... push yourself a bit... Do ssome even if you don't agree with them if they dont' cause inconvenience...
That's the other thing, if she feels like you are keeping the home clean and working with her, then HER ANXIETY is lower as she feels she has support... And will be easier to talk to...
When people RESIST her suggestions her ANXIETY goes up, she gets stressed out and you cant' deal with her...
The SAFER SHE FEELS her WORLD is the easier she is to negotiate with. And that world includes you and her son and your marriage and home...
If you really want to make your marriage work why not meet his mother and try to make some changes ..
I don't knwo if you WANT to do this, but this will veyr likley make the most ground with your H...
If you and his mother can get along then he really looks like the jerk...
