I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

Okay…thanks for the 2x4’s as gentle as they were. These fuc*ing emotions man. I know I am cycling. I know what I need to do. I know…I know…I know…. (Mach you can hit me for the I know later)…

I reread my post and yep…fear..and victim screams out at me.

Damn I need to do better BUT (yes it is an excuse)…can’t I feel like sh*t for a few days? Seriously, I am getting up. I think I realize that what I may be feeling is the effects of my changes.

It is my old self dying and fighting to stay alive…fighting to stay alive because it is comfortable and because I am afraid.

The biggest change is control. I can’t control this and it pisses me off. I can’t control what my W does and I know it – yet I am still struggling with this. Fu*k…Fu*k….Fu*k… this dying is painful – yet I know necessary. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

How many of your complaints were brought on by yourself ?

Good point Mach. I am projecting my fear. I do not know what will happen.

You have some choices to make. Some tough ones. I wish I could tell you that it's going to be easy.

Your right B…I have some very tough choices to make. Choice that I and I alone must make. I am soo scared of making the wrong one. I have done that way too often in my life and the consequences of these choices are huge.

I wish I could take away the pain.

You know I know if you could you would. I do. Thanks B…

Doesnt matter what YOU perceive their feelings to be.

The key word is “perceive”…once again…projecting my fear and pulling out the old crystal ball that I tell everyone we don’t have.

You have an expectation of your W and your M and your life that just isn't reality.

Spot on Grit…I do…I still have an expectation of some level of civility or kindness that right now is none existent. I expect..expect and expect…Can’t anymore. Just can’t.

it is your GUILT that is holding you back.

Yep…I know Miss…that guilt is a tough animal to let go of.

Time to get up and instead of working…sit still for a while.


Eric