(((Cindy!))) I finally got a chance to come see you.
I have some ideas. This is to me as well as to you and things that others have told me.
It sounds like you are beating your head against the wall too. You are pursuing him and probing and trying to get answers from him. He is obviously very resistant to you and r talks. I get the feeling that he just doesn't have the "mental space" or physical space to figure out what he really wants for himself without you on his back.
Another thing, it is IMPERATIVE that you and I QUIT trying to read into every little comment that the h's make. Quit asking what he meant by that, how he feels, please talk to me, etc. It will just make him mad (not that you are resp. for his feelings), he will resist even more and say even MORE hurtful things to you. I don't know why this is, but I have seen it with my own very eyes.
I would suggest that you NOT clean his apt. He's the one that left, he can take care of his own stuff. I think you are feeling insecure and awful b/c basically, he has you under his thumb. You are running around and around in the wheel trying to make him happy, do the right thing, say the right thing, do what he wants you to do, etc. He needs to see you being strong within yourself, independent-did I say independent? I meant to say INDEPENDENT. You are giving him the power over you to determine how you feel about yourself. And guess what, that only makes us feel WORSE about ourselves.
How about some 180's? Besides not cleaning, don't say yes everytime he asks you to come over. What else can you do differently? Stop ALL R talk. Let him do his own thing and do this on his time. Get on with YOUR life for YOU and your children. (to see as examples) You are NOT a weakling! Start saying you and yours yourself regarding him saying I instead of we. What if you talk like that too?
My h also does a lot of the "uhs" and "uh ouh" (however you spell i don't know in the most evasive language possible?) I am constantly trying to decipher these messages. Ya know what? If they don't want to tell us, fine! That's on them. NOT you. He needs to see changes in the r to feel comfy talking to you.
Furthermore, I am VERY concerned about the way he talks to you if he is berating you about your looks, clothes, what you do, etc. Have you ever just plain out said (polite version) "I'm sorry that you feel that way?" Or more bluntly, "I will not be spoken to this way/in this tone/etc. and leave, hang up, whatever you are doing? Take charge of the sit. Do not be a doormat. Tell him to call you when he can speak with you politely.
I hope I am not making to broad of speculations here. I do not know all about you, your h, and your r. These are just gut reactions I got from skimming through your threads and reading the last couple pages.
Thanks for coming by my thread. I appreciate it immensely.
Have a GREAT time tonight. You have a great plan in place-stick to it! Forget about him and the r-if it looks too hard for you to do, just remind yourself that it is for just 6 hours or whatever, and when you get home you can brood all you want. I do this sometimes with crying. I'll just wait until I get to my car, or when he leaves or whatever, and then I'll let it out to my choosing, but right now, I am NOT going to react/cry/obsess...
And relaxing does not sound like a bad idea at all! Chill out! Do some things for you JUST for you. Do you have time to yourself away from your kids? Time for bubble baths, trips to the bookstore or coffee shop, etc?
