It does not feel like he's walking on eggshells with me. He says whatever the hell he wants as rudely as he wants whenever he wants. How is that on eggshells? If you were afraid of hurting your s's feeling or killing the r, wouldn't you watch how and what you said to them? At least consider their feelings? I mean why does he critique my figure, my clothes, my hair, my teeth, my friends, my habits, everything is such a deragatory way? Is he so honestly without a clue that he doesn't realize he hurts my feelings? Or does he do it cause he likes me? I know he's not me and can't act like me....but what happen to the courtesies involved in building a new r?
Quote: I have noticed that you say you are confused with him saying one thing then doing another, but I have notice you may be doing the same thing.
How much more clear can I be? Am I really that confusing with my questions like: What 3 things can I do this week to show you love?, You say I used to make you feel like #4 am I doing any better, do you feel like a 3?. I think these make clear my desire to love him, to make the r work. Where am I being confusing? I go over there whenever he asks me. I'm affectionate and encouraging. I try to compliment and be grateful, show appreciation. Go out on dates with him. I've been at it for 2 months. Now he's made some positive steps but if he will leap out at me like a snake when he's allowed anger to build up....doesn't that show the positive steps he's made as false? Cause underneath his positives has been this broiling anger at me. He feels this way but acts another? Should I go with that? If he can't express his feelings of anger or upset, how can he express love, happiness, etc? It seems to me it defeats the purpose to hide what you really feel while living this facade. We had that when we lived together....he'd been feeling like #4 in my book for years and didn't say anything.
Quote: Please give him the benefit of the doubt and communicate with him that you are committed on makeing the R work and to give you the benefit of the doubt also.
I am committed to making this work. But I get that he doesn't care...cause it is his way or no way. And since I do not know what his way is...how can anything I do make any impact? He's going to do what he wants when he wants and even if he knows he's wrong to hurt me, he knows I'll keep coming back so he can wait till tomorrow to deal with it.
Maybe I'm just being too hard on him and I should just relax. I let him know how I feel. I was calm. I said that the assumptions and his 2-faced behavior were killing me...why is it so hard for him to talk to me? He'd rather I leave than tell me he's mad and why.
I don't see how I can work with what I don't know. How?
I feel like every time I have a talk with h about how I feel...it is over. I'm expecting the attorney to let me know he wants the divorce. This has been his behavior.
I was not rude, I tried to validate, I tried to explain my b***hing was not meant to be (I had asked why he got into to bed and immediately turned his back to me? is that b****ing?), I didn't yell or cry. But still I had to go away like some bad child because I had needs that were putting pressure on him. Like his needs don't do that to me! I was so accomodating yet I'm in the doghouse.
Quote: Your H is hanging in there and you want more than that. I know the feeling. Things that he says sounds like he really does not care, but I don't think that's the case at all.
Then why does he let me go away upset?
Quote: Things ARE progressing, it just feels like it's not sometimes and we get very frustrated with all this.
I feel as though the progression was all false cause what he really felt was not how he acted. How can I live with someone that puts up a facade? I don't know what side of the coin I'm going to get!...at any given time. It's just plain scary and unsettling!
Quote: That, and I am really getting so tired of his procrastination, so I told him I would not live like this forever, and that I NEED to be wanted and loved just as he NEEDED it when he had the A.
My h didn't have an a though he admits to dating op. But like you I have needs that are not getting met or are but only once a month. Or if they are like our dates he acts like he's getting his teeth pulled without novacaine. Boy that makes me feel loved!
Quote: Stay with it girl, and keep giveing it your best shot.
I've been too focused on him. I'm going out tonight with friends and having FUN! I'm not going to worry about him or our r for one night! I'm taking a break from being his w tonight!
Yes I've asked him to list things. He won't comply. I can only go off things he's complained about when he moved out last year. He's mentioned nothing else since then.
Quote: Review the love bank concept with him, and use it.
I gave him a paper to list what he thought my love languages were and the others in order of priority and I did the same for him. He hasn't done it. I gave it to him last week.
His love languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.
I really want to know what he has against me so I can fix them. he won't tell me says I don't know. What can I do? But continue this hit and miss until he indicates he doesn't like it then try something else. I feel worn out to say the least!
Cindy, You want this, I know that. You want it to happen with all of your heart. I understand. But you cannot force the issue. You cannot force your H to feel, or turn off feelings. You cannot analyze everything he does. It is making you crazy.
Your H tells you he needs some space and you extrapolate that to mean he will always need space.
You have said many times you have not been working on this very long at all, what 3 weeks. Give it time. Give it time.
Think... where am I now compared to three weeks ago.
You cannot rush this. This IS difficult.
Do not have R talks... Do not tell him your feelings, not yet. Do not think you will never be able to have R talks. Do not think you will never be able to share your feelings.
Let your H lead... give him all the space he needs. Your feelings, right now, are not the most important thing to him, his are.
Quote: I've been too focused on him. I'm going out tonight with friends and having FUN! I'm not going to worry about him or our r for one night! I'm taking a break from being his w tonight!
Absolutely! And make a habit of it!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Yes, it is all about him. I agree no r talks. Haven't done that in 2 months until yesterday. He's so fake though. You are right it is making me crazy. The more I'm around him the more tension I feel, the less sleep I get, the more anxious I feel. How can I be with him and not feel this way?
I've done pretty well by just holding in my desire to talk about my feelings, or worries etc. I've concentrated on being fun, being busy, loving him, cuddling him, but still I get this? Why?
What did I do wrong? We had no r talks but he was mad anyway. I didn't push but he's mad. He's mad cause the kids made a mess? In his house? Well then tell them to clean it up! I'm not his maid. His solution...get rid of us so his place can stay clean.
How can you justify treating your family that way? We would have only been there one more night and left in the morning! Why push me to get here? I'm trying so damn hard but nothing is changing....he continues to push me away. Why is he to be treated any different? I'm the WAS anyway....shouldn't he be more concerned about getting me back? I had no affairs, he did! This whole situation is just backwards!
Sorry to vent but I'm just tired, sick with this. I'm a good person, I'm trying my hardest but he still don't like me. And I hate that!!!! feeling of not being liked by the man I love so much and want to please.
I like Poepad's idea about listing the 10 things you want h to change and have him list his 10. I wish my s would do that! It's not like I haven't asked.
2 years ago I got: 1. Have a hot dinner waiting for me when I get home and 2. come to bed with no clothes on.
I do 1 & 2 and still ask if there are more ways I can improve as a wife...get nothing more. Then when he moves out he comes out with he feels like #4 in my life. WEll then tell me some ways to help you NOT FEEL THIS WAY! Good gravy the man makes no sense!!!! He's like well gee let me ask for some stuff that has nothing to do with how I really feel!!!!!
I swear I think he's just helping me make CRAZY!!!!
Cindy, Yes....I kknow it's hard to fix something they won't tell us. I get vague answers when I ask what he wants, or I get the "I don't know" answer too. It is unerving. I know exactly what you are feeling.
I get rejection like you do. That hurts. Bad. I can't understand how he can't see he's hurting me, but then I wonder, does he really care right now??
Like you, I have no answers, and it seems nothing has changed in the 2 yrs. we've gone back and forth on this whole thing.
Everytime we get close and I think, this is it, he pulls away again because he is not ready to totally commit to me by coming home.
I told him last night I didn't think he was ever coming home. He's plenty pissed at me for what I siad to him, but I really have nothing to lose because I really don't have him anyway.
Yeah, supposedly he does not see OW anymore, and we are together alot, but it's the way he TREATS me that matters.
It's not like he really is in love with me. Sometimes it's better than others, but it's never what I need it to be.
LL, this is probably not helping your sitch, but I do want you to see that I am dealing with pretty much the same attitude from my H that you are with yours.
We have not seen lawyers or even talked about D. Oh, It's come up when I've asked him if that's what he wants and when he's mad he'll sarcastically say yes. When I get him to seriously think about it he really does not want a D.
I told him last night he wants his cake and eat it to.
It's pretty much what's happpening, and I htink your on the right track to go out and do your own thing and forget about this for awhile.
I've been trying to control our sitch, and I need to back off. It's just a fine line of detaching and backing off and still know how much to pursue and when.
I know I have to pursue my H or we would not see each other and that would drive us further apart. It has before when I stopped.
I guess the thing to do is to detach emotionally without treating them the way they treat us.
I have no idea what it's going to take to get my H to want to come home. I did tell him I wouldn't live like this forever and I won't, but for now, I do.
I'm still fighting for my M. Maybe I'm doing all the WRONG things and that is why this is taking so long. I just know I can't MAKE him love me enough to come home. He really doesn't even think of our house as "home."
That kinda shows me where he's at in this.
LL, don't give up just yet. Hang in there with me. Let's figure out some things we can do different. I KNOW there are things I can do different! Rachael
My c says that I magnify things. He said that my approach is wrong that is why I'm getting the wrong response from h. Well what the hell other approach can I try? Help!!!! Should I call and leave him a voicemail? Say I still want to work on r, will give him space, I need space too, call me in a couple of days, we can do list of 10 things...what else can I say?
(((Cindy!))) I finally got a chance to come see you.
I have some ideas. This is to me as well as to you and things that others have told me.
It sounds like you are beating your head against the wall too. You are pursuing him and probing and trying to get answers from him. He is obviously very resistant to you and r talks. I get the feeling that he just doesn't have the "mental space" or physical space to figure out what he really wants for himself without you on his back.
Another thing, it is IMPERATIVE that you and I QUIT trying to read into every little comment that the h's make. Quit asking what he meant by that, how he feels, please talk to me, etc. It will just make him mad (not that you are resp. for his feelings), he will resist even more and say even MORE hurtful things to you. I don't know why this is, but I have seen it with my own very eyes.
I would suggest that you NOT clean his apt. He's the one that left, he can take care of his own stuff. I think you are feeling insecure and awful b/c basically, he has you under his thumb. You are running around and around in the wheel trying to make him happy, do the right thing, say the right thing, do what he wants you to do, etc. He needs to see you being strong within yourself, independent-did I say independent? I meant to say INDEPENDENT. You are giving him the power over you to determine how you feel about yourself. And guess what, that only makes us feel WORSE about ourselves.
How about some 180's? Besides not cleaning, don't say yes everytime he asks you to come over. What else can you do differently? Stop ALL R talk. Let him do his own thing and do this on his time. Get on with YOUR life for YOU and your children. (to see as examples) You are NOT a weakling! Start saying you and yours yourself regarding him saying I instead of we. What if you talk like that too?
My h also does a lot of the "uhs" and "uh ouh" (however you spell i don't know in the most evasive language possible?) I am constantly trying to decipher these messages. Ya know what? If they don't want to tell us, fine! That's on them. NOT you. He needs to see changes in the r to feel comfy talking to you.
Furthermore, I am VERY concerned about the way he talks to you if he is berating you about your looks, clothes, what you do, etc. Have you ever just plain out said (polite version) "I'm sorry that you feel that way?" Or more bluntly, "I will not be spoken to this way/in this tone/etc. and leave, hang up, whatever you are doing? Take charge of the sit. Do not be a doormat. Tell him to call you when he can speak with you politely.
I hope I am not making to broad of speculations here. I do not know all about you, your h, and your r. These are just gut reactions I got from skimming through your threads and reading the last couple pages.
Thanks for coming by my thread. I appreciate it immensely.
Have a GREAT time tonight. You have a great plan in place-stick to it! Forget about him and the r-if it looks too hard for you to do, just remind yourself that it is for just 6 hours or whatever, and when you get home you can brood all you want. I do this sometimes with crying. I'll just wait until I get to my car, or when he leaves or whatever, and then I'll let it out to my choosing, but right now, I am NOT going to react/cry/obsess...
And relaxing does not sound like a bad idea at all! Chill out! Do some things for you JUST for you. Do you have time to yourself away from your kids? Time for bubble baths, trips to the bookstore or coffee shop, etc?
I know he's not me and can't act like me....but what happen to the courtesies involved in building a new r?