The boundary around a A needs to be firm and non-negotiable.
"I have decided I won't share my husband with another woman. If you don't immediately cease all contact then I will pack up your things and initiate a divorce."
If he agrees then you have your transparency plan ready - a no-contact letter sent to her which you witness and have access to all forms of communication and financial records.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am so nervous. I could use any support right now. Either tonight or tomorrow night I know I need to establish the boundary and force him to decide if he wants her in his life or wants to work on our marriage and family. Fear is paralyzing right now - my heart is racing all day, short of breath. But I know I can't live like this snooping at the phone bill all day long any more. I cannot be this type of person for my daughters to see.
When I tell him this, do I give him a day to think over what he wants or is he supposed to answer immediately and by the time I leave the room I'll know if he is intending to move out or not?
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
I am so nervous. I could use any support right now. Either tonight or tomorrow night I know I need to establish the boundary and force him to decide if he wants her in his life or wants to work on our marriage and family. Fear is paralyzing right now - my heart is racing all day, short of breath. But I know I can't live like this snooping at the phone bill all day long any more. I cannot be this type of person for my daughters to see.
When I tell him this, do I give him a day to think over what he wants or is he supposed to answer immediately and by the time I leave the room I'll know if he is intending to move out or not?
I know how you're feeling, and I know it is tough. The fear will continue to paralyze you until you take hold of it. Say this to yourself 10 times in a row. Then write it down:
I will speak my mind and feelings in spite of fear of confrontation.
This is a good boundary to set for yourself. Would you want to continue in a M where you were always afraid to express how you feel? I don't think so - but maybe you're OK with that. I know that I am not.
When you tell him this, you sit there quietly awaiting a response. You do not justify your feelings or thoughts. You simply state that you have decided that you will not live in an open marriage, and you want him to go NC with the OW.
Then, you sit there and wait for his response.
Either way, you'll have your answer.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Hi MM, add me to the club of wives who just moved 1/2 way across the country for H's job and then get a bomb dropped on them. I, too, am planning to have the talk with my H tonight. I know he is moving out, but I need to express my feelings.
My C said to me to tell him if we are going to end our M, to end it with honesty. I think that is a fair statement and I plan to use it. I'm planning to just state my decisions and then let him make his own decisions. I'm not going to give a time-line, I have one in my own head, but based on advice, I'm not sharing that information with him. I'm still working on my wording about OW/boundaries.
At 14 years of M my H moved out, it wasn't until that point where he finally started to address some of his own issues and unhappiness. Unfortunately 7 years later he has decided to re-visit those issues and leave me 12 hours from my friends and back on this board. I think we all have moments of strength and moments of weakness and we need to make our decisions while we are strong and just recongnize when we are basket cases and keep our mouths shut during those periods.
Just my random thoughts as I nervously approach tonight.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
I'm sorry we have this in common Dagny. I will be thinking of you tonight too and hoping that we both have the strength to command respect again and set boundaries.
I'm still super nervous. I think he is going out with new work friends tonight (which I'm ok with, we do need to establish a network of friends here) so hopefully he'll be home at a reasonable time to get this over. I'm so nervous that tomorrow I'll be spending my day planning for a new life without a husband... but he isn't much of a husband right now just a financial backer.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
Ugh, I hate to write this update. It started off well and went downhill.
As you may recall he went to see OW 500 miles away this past weekend. I backed off him Monday night and didn't bring up anything b/c he only had one hour of sleep the prior night - didn't feel like that was the time. Tuesday night he was supposed to be on call, but came home for an hour and then back to the hospital - came home and rocked the girls to sleep. So then was Wed. night. He had planned to go see a band with a few new coworkers which I actually think is great - we need to establish a life here. But I couldn't put off this discussion any longer. So at 11:30 when he got home I went in to talk to him.
I calmly stated everything I had rehearsed in my head about boundaries 'When you do....it makes me feel.... I will not continue to feel disrespected and betrayed in my marriage.... I need you to decide if you can cut off all contact with her immediately (put a block on the phone and block her on FB) or I will need you to move out in 3 weeks time to start the next phase of my life....'. He said ok. I said, so what is your choice? He said do I get more than 10 seconds? So I said sure, and looked down at my water bottle. I think he was mad. He said how could I give him one minute to decide, and I said you have had weeks, including a whole weekend away with her where I did not contact you one time.
He did get mad and said he hates everyone. He has been 'trying' to cut off contact with her (and from those who know her I know she has been absolutely miserable). He said she texts her and he just writes 'have a nice day' and tries to end it. I said she obviously wants more than you do and it needs to stop. He threw the phone over toward me (next to me on the bed) and said fine, block her, whatever, take my phone, do whatever you want, I don't care anymore, I don't want to be near ANYONE or ANYTHING and I will gladly move out to be alone. You can keep everything!
So I mentioned the kids and he said he does want to see them, he said he'd love to take them. I said you would fight me for custody? He said no, I won't fight you for anything. I just want to be ALONE. I'll move out in 3 weeks.
I retreated to my room. Couldn't help but cry, not for me but for my girls. I feel I have tried all I could be WE haven't tried at all to save this. I don't want them to not live with their daddy or for him and I to share them and jostle them around between houses.
Against all the DB'ing advice in my head I went back to his room and said these are not tears for me, obviously I'm not in love with you right now considering all the treatment I've gotten but these are tears for our girls. They are babies, they were practically just born and we are about to tear everything apart? Is this really what you want?
He responded - I know this is key so someone help me here - and he said 'I just gave you an answer so you would GO AWAY and now you are back. GO AWAY. What do you want? Just LEAVE ME ALONE, I don't want anyone. I don't want her. I don't want you. I don't want anyone.'
The fact that he said he gave me an answer just so I'd leave makes me think maybe he DOESN'T want to move out? I don't know. I kept talking (against DB'ing again) and just said, I don't want you to move out. I want you to cease contact with her so I feel our vows are being upheld. And then no, I don't want to push anything more or run to a MC next Monday. I was actually going to propose that for the next weeks or months, even through the rest of this year, that we do nothing but focus on being better ourselves, settling into our new life here, and focusing on being the best parents we can be. Do something together now and then but not try to fix all of our problems until we are both ready to do that. All I wanted was for her to be out of the picture.
And then I left and went to bed and actually slept soundly, without the pit that has been in my stomach for days.
I did text him today - just 'check mailbox, hope you are ok' - he needs to check his mailbox at work b/c we haven't gotten direct deposit set up and he hasn't gotten any new paychecks in 3.5 weeks so I need that to pay the rent soon. He responded 'Ok. Fine. Thanks.'
So he SAID I could block her number on our phone bill but I haven't. Even though he said it I feel like without him saying ok let's do it (as opposed to fine do whatever the eff you want), is me controlling him. I can go do it at any point. I also feel like texting her and saying 'It's hard to work on a marriage with a third wheel. Back off my husband for the sake of our children.' but I haven't done that either. I'm at the very least following the advice to post here before doing anything that could be stupid on my part.
HELP PLEASE.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
So do I help him pack up or just leave him alone in the house? I think he rationalizes that it's ok b/c it's not physical, and I don't know if they will ever stop contact. She is devastated right now and clinging on to him for life.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
"I need a decision on where you stand in our marriage because I have some decisions to make."
You need to send a message that you are serious and this R with the OW is unacceptable. He's either in or out, you already know your actions based on his answer. It's his choice on what he does. You are not controlling him.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
