Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I think it was a combination of both. You were reacting off her and she was reacting off you. It becomes a perpetual motion machine.

For example in my sitch: My W has controlling tendencies she got from her mom. I have passive tendencies I got from my dad. So when we got together, my passiveness put her in control of the R and her controlling tendencies came out - that in turn pushed me away due my reaction to being controlled, that forced her to take even more control, creating more resentment in me...etc.

If I had stepped up as a man (ala NMMNG) she wouldn't have been able to take control. Now that would have done one of two things - she would keep trying to take control and that would be the conflict where I was standing strong and not allowing it: would have destroyed the relationship years ago.

Or, her control tendencies would have been kept in check and my 'run and hide' response wouldn't be triggered.

Now if there is conflict between us and we could have identified it - she would have to fix her control issues, and I would have to fix my 'run and hide' issues - making for a healthier relationship.

Don't fall into the trap of taking the full blame in the conflicting issues. It's the coming together of the dysfunction and how they play off each other that causes the problems.