I'm now healing and moving forward

[ericmsant2]

All – Sorry to say but I think I am stuck. Maybe it is just the grief that I am going through but honestly I just don’t know. What I do know is this…I feel sad, very sad. I decided to post because really I needed a little support and I thought getting my thoughts feeling out on paper; albeit cyber paper would help me and as always, maybe help someone else.

Sept 9th – 3 weeks…21 days away…. 21 days until W and I sit down with the L’s and see if we can hammer out an agreement. “Agreement”…..interesting use of the word – personally I would prefer that the legal term be changed to “destruction terms”. I think this would be a bit more fitting.

18 years of M about to be blown the F up.

Some of you know me pretty well and understand the pure hell that I have been dealing with for the past 11 months. Right now, it feels like everything is hitting me at once. It feels like the world is against me. It feels like every where I turn is more pain. Pain that seems to get worse.

For those that don't know ....Here is what I have dealt with….

I have had a W that has had 1 EA – I stood in sleeping in the same bed for months knowing this.

I have had a W that has had 1 PA – then again I do wonder if I can consider it an affair since “technically” it began 2 months after the bomb. I stayed in the same bed for about 2 months knowing it was going on. Knowing that the cell text proclaimed their dying love for each other.

I have had to deal with a teenage son, who’s emotions have been up and down. He has wanted to be with me 50% of the time, not wanted to be with 50% of the time, has been angry at me, has spent days and weeks barely speaking to me, has said I am a great dad, who has opened up on a few occasions only to shut down after a day. A son that I have tried to love through all of this. A son who feels that I do not love him – yet has no idea that my love for him is so strong that I will walk away and give him what he wants. A son who decisions may impact the time I have with my other two children. A son who is a selfish teenager right now. A son, who adores his mom. A son, who shows little to no love toward his father. It has been probably just as hard as dealing with an MLC wife.

I have had to deal with doing everything in the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. While she has not a care in the world.

I have had to deal with the potential loss of seeing my little girl every morning and every evening. This one…rips my f*cking heart apart.

I have had to deal with looking at my W who shows NO emotion – none. Who appears to be so content in her life and has has apparently openly admitted to friends that she not even think or care about how I feel.

I have had to deal with someone who has allowed me the bear the brunt of the financial responsibility of maintaining the marital home, while she plans her future life with out me. Just the other day, my son said that Mom said we are going on vacation. Vacation WTF…what about when I needed a few bucks for pool supplies. Someone who has only focused on her long term financial goals.

I have had to deal with a middle son, who is probably one of the sweeties kids you can met, say to me that he want’s to spend half of his time with me. Yet I know that he does not want any conflict between my W and me. I know that he would prefer that we remain together and has internalized his pain. I can see it. My W I believe does not. She is still in lala land. In love with another. My middle son suffers in silence and there is nothing that I can do to help. Only try and love him.

I have dealt with a 9 year old girl who asks me when will I sleep in the bed with mommy again. Who has asked me not to ask her to choose. Who has said she wants us to be together like the old times.

I have had to deal with a spouse who has now decided that she just may move out of the martial home and leave me holding the bag on a mortgage that I cannot pay in addition to the amount of support that she is requesting.

I have had to deal with sleeping in a family room.

I have had to deal with the loss of mutual friends.

I have had to deal with the impact that this has had on my job.

I have dealt with the weight loss, the stress of all of this.

I have had to deal with facing my own demons. Facing the controlling behavior that was a fiber of my being for so long.

I have had to deal with my own insecurities. My own fears. The fear of being alone, the fear of being able to support myself.

I have had to deal with the lies…to consistent lies.
Through all of this I have tried to maintain my dignity. I have tried to do what is right.

Through all of this I have had to face the consequences of my own financial irresponsibility. One that I do with a sense of pride now.

Through all of this I have had to deal with trying to continue to pay all of the household bills and yet still try and see what I can put away so that I can house and feed myself and my kids for the time that they will be with me. I can honestly say I have not done well here. It was a choice that I made. Tell my kids no…keep them in a house doing nothing, keep myself locked away or try as best as I can to enjoy the little things in life and to try and make sure that this past summer they had a good time.

I have dealt with sleeping in a family room. Having my cloths stuff into a small closet.

I have dealt with being the parent that runs home from work to make dinner and on those days I still, to this day set aside a plate for my W.

I have sat and watched my W not have a f*cking care in the world. Watched as she sits here and waits for her pay day. Watched as she focuses on her career, a career where she gets to be with her new partner.

I have had to deal with the guilt of the failure in the R placed soley on my shoulders. For a long time did I carry this baggage.

I have had the struggle of trying to keep my career afloat while also being somewhat of a single parent. My W is more than comfortable with my 16 year old acting as a parent, which I do not agree with.

I have dealt with the constant phone call from my daughter asking me when I am coming home from work. More often than not I leave early so that I can be with her. It is the one thing of beauty in my life. My little girl.

I run home to make dinner, to clean..to be the best dad that I can be. I am not perfect. Never will be BUT damn I try.

I have had to deal with the extreme pain of all of this.

I have had to deal with the challenge of trying to keep my kids entertained, which when you have two different age groups present a host of challenges.

I have had to deal with the loss of faith, the loss of love, the loss of intimacy from someone that I so truly love.

I have had to deal with the loneliness.

I have had to deal with the anger that can come with no notice. The anger of really watching someone not have one care in the world. The anger of watching someone act as if the cards are in her hand.

I have had to deal with knowing that my W is anger yet she can not see it or chooses not to deal with it.

I have had to deal with picking up that mirror that we all need to pick up and not liking what was staring back.

I had to deal with trying to make the changes in me, while the world appeared to be crumbling down around me.

I have had to deal with the division that this has caused in the family.

I have had to deal with the feelings of failure.

I have watched W come home from a night out…smiling…cheerful – not a care in the world.

I have had to deal with feeling like I need to prove to the world that I can be a coparent only for the world and the system to say….”your only a dad” – your not the mom.

I have had to deal with feeling like nothing more than a wallet and sperm doner.

I have had to deal with feeling like….sexually I could not satisfy someone….my dog would argue that point (just kidding….as always I try to keep a sick sense of humor in all of this).

I guess what I am trying to communicate to all of you…is that I have been through hell and I am really tired. Tired of trying, tired of fighting. I have been a fighter my whole life – I feel like I am on one knee having just gotten up from the knock down and the ref is counting….two…….three……..four…….. I wonder when will I crumble and fall back down.

Then I realize…..

I can’t. I must go on. I must continue to be me. I must continue to be daddy. I must go on. BUT F*ck I am soooo tired. Sooo beaten down. Sooo frustrated.

I ask myself or rather tell myself…your not defeated Eric…not yet dude…get the F up and keep going…but I am tired.

3 weeks….21 days until the meeting with the L’s.

How could someone inflict so much pain? How could someone who claims to love you – do this to you?

How could I have avoided this? How can I make it so that the kids don’t suffer? Will I be able to feed myself? How the hell can I afford a place to live? Why is the system so f up?

Then I reach inside….I look real deep and realize…what did she experience when I was a pin head…what did she feel when I was a selfish traveling career dude. Did she feel the same? Why didn’t we talk? Why didn’t I see it coming?

Fu*k – Eric you are cycling….stop it… remember dude…You will get through this.

My heart is tearing…it is ripped in pieces. I can feel it everyday…It is like everday a piece of me dies. Then I remind myself…..

From the ashes I will rise…from the destruction I will survive.

Hey maybe I am like a roach…can survive even in a nuclear war.
Then I realize…that I played a role here. Then I realize that I am not a victim if I choose not to be. Then I realize that God still does love me. Then I realize that I do not have a crystal ball….and….then…..and…then….I want to cry.

So what give me solace….YOU GUYS!

I am not sure if many of you realize this…but when I post to you..it really comes from my heart. I really give you guys everything I have and I am sorry it could not be more.

I want you all to understand….IB, Punkin, 2G, Rlay, StillTrying, fundwomen, Bobby O, Crushed, Mila, PEI, PIE, Destiny, Misserher, Brooklyn, lola, lala, Grit, shelbel ….that I truly understand and feel your pain. I have and will always be an emotional person. It is who I am. So I read your sitchs and offer support and words of wisdom. The wisdom that I have gain in this process. I wish all of you nothing but the best. May you learn from my mistakes.

Damn I hurt. I Hurt bad.

BUT has my girl Brooklyn would say….got keep going…got to keep steppin…

So what have I learned in this process…..

When I look at myself I can stand up and say I was a controlling, self centered prick.

For last few years of my M, I was focused on work..focused on getting the next promo, focusing on showing the world that some ‘rican from NY could do it. Focused on giving my kids every fuc*ing thing that I never had. Christmas for me when I was kid amounted to 1 toy – not my kids – f dat…they each got 20. Was the right approach to take – no. So I have learned that you cannot buy someone. Money and gift are okay – but it is your heart…your love…your time that is much more important.

I have learned compassion. As much as my W stabs me in the heart – stomps on me – I still and will always love her. She was an amazing woman. We were the “perfect couple” – She was a great mom, a great wife, a good friend – someone who gave of herself.

Maryann (sorry moderators….), thank you for the gift of learning from you. Learning love from you. I will no longer sit here and let you stomp me honey…but I will love you no matter what. I will remember the good times in our M – it is my CHOICE. A choice that you cannot take from me…because true love really comes from God and only he can take it back.

I have learned patience’s. It has not been easy and lord knows I have failed often but I am getting there. I have been as patient as I can. That is all that I can expect of myself.

I have learned what it is to love and the pain that unfortunately comes with loving someone. I do not regret loving my W through this process. Not for a sec. Have I wanted to rip her head off…yep…have I wanted to scream at her….yep…but I have always maintained a love for her. In 1991…I met my W…I did not believe in love at first sight until I saw her…then it hit…damn…

I fell for her hard and fast. The good girl from NJ and the ‘Rican from NY.

I have learned that our needs are just that our needs and that we really cannot expect someone else to always fill them.

I have learned how important it is to allow someone the room to grow. We often are afraid of this consciously or subconsciously. So we try and love them but really forget about how important it is for us to allow them the space and time that they need to grow. I have learned that we all have a responsibility to help our partners be all they can be, while also becoming the best we can be.

I have learned what it is to be a man of character. Man…this one has been tough…how do you react to someone when they hurt you. Can you do the right thing even if it means that you will suffer? Can you live your life with one basic principal – do what is right. This has been the biggest change for me. Now I am not saying that I am not human and do not make mistakes and have faults – no – I do make mistakes. The big difference for me is to be able to look in the mirror and be TRUE to me and my core belief. If I am wrong and I see it – well then no more excuses to myself – none. No more “BUTS”. Not one F*cking BUT – none.

I have learned about pain. A pain that sometime can be unbearable.

I have also learned about friendship…I have learned that there are people in the world that truly and honestly care. That would be you guys. I have realized that the friendships that I have formed here will be with me for a very long time.

I have also realized that man….do I hurt…..do I really f*cking hurt.

Sorry Brook…I know you probably expect more from me…but honey I am tired. So fuc*ing tired……..

God Bless and sorry for the rant
Eric