good morning Cindy - I asked this question of Laurie - my telephone coach and she suggested to try something and monitor. if it works keep doing it - if it does not work then do something different. I also told C that I was working on me and that it is a learning process. told her that I would make a mistake in the future and it might even be a doosie but that I would not do whatever with the intent of hurting her and to please bear with me and to be patient with me too. Then if you make a mistake and things start to get tense again you can say to H "Wow - that didn't work, did it? That was the Doosie I was telling you I might make. I know now not to do that agan." Get a laugh out of it and go on to doing something different. just my 2cw
1. Got to H's apartment and he'd locked me out. Usually door remains open when he knows I'm coming over. Wondered why it was locked? My mind ran away with me! Apparently h locked it out of habit and then tried to get home in time to let me in? 2. Urged me to next time to use the gate code to come into the complex. I said no I want to respect your privacy. He said whatever because if he didn't want me in he'd change the code. I said I'm sure you would. (he did that to me back in August) 3. I had gotten a sitter for the kids and asked h what he wanted to do for the evening. He said I need to get groceries! Arghhh! H said well I suppose you can come with me to get groceries. I was so frustrated and it was hard not to get mad. So I left to take boys to sitter thinking well he'll leave and go get groceries, but no he calls me wants to go to dinner. So I come back and we go to dinner. 4. We ended up going shopping after dinner. While there he says come back this way and I'll show you the table I'm going to buy. When I see it, I say we don't need a table. He says who said anything about we...this is the table I want to buy. I say again WE already have a dining table. He mumbles something like the table will be in a better place. I say huh and he keeps mumbling. We wonder over to the wines and about 10 minutes later I say what do you mean about the table in a uh better place. H says I didn't say better...I said if WE end up in a bigger place the table will go there. I'm estatic that he at least said WE. 5. Then we go to check out and I offer to buy the martini shaker and he says why...I want to keep it. (I notice he's been keeping the receipts of purchases as I guess proof that he bought the items when we were separated. Proof to the judge that the stuff is his?)
After the bit with the martini shaker, I was a little deflated but carried on in good spirits while we continued shopping. I did tell him he was more confusing than a woman! We went to pick up the kids, and returned to his apartment. Watched a movie, folded some laundry then got ready for bed. At one point, he moved suddenly in the bed and I yelped. He said what...I'm only lying here in MY bed.
Lots of references to mine, my, his but there were some WEs. Gosh, I just find myself looking for something to cling to that would indicate he wants to stay married. I know he's in counseling and he's said a lot of 'flowery' words to the c but we've been here before and it turned out false.
I'm so scared! I just don't know what to make of his references to WE, the bigger house!!!! I certainly hope he's not playing me for a fool!
In the middle of the night, he rolled over and hugged me. That was nice.
Well ho, hum, h just called to ask what kind of shoes I'd like for S10. Told him the shoes I prefer then asked him to lunch. He said ok. He's coming over after shopping to pick me up! Gosh I think for the moment I'm happy with that!
Oh, he gave me his special greeting! This he only does for his mom and our boys! and now me AGAIN!
Yeah for the positves!!!!! I hope they just keep coming/ My H came over last night to be with son who has been very sick for 3 weeks on and off-more on that later. When he left he kisses me in the kitchen for a LONG time. A really good kiss. He said ILY. What???? He was distant all day yesterday-did not answer my email, and then this. Man, these guys are nut bars! We're suppose to do something with S tonight maybe. I'm working late to make up time for taking S to Dr. We'll see waht happens. I've been detaching......Rachael
My h has been in a mood since last night. I tried to ask what was wrong, if he was mad, he responded with a I don't know so I didn't push. Well today he says I and the boys need to go home, he needs a break. He's feeling pressured. (he wanted to have his place clean when he went to bed and when he got home and though he had the kids he didn't ask them to clean up, he seemed to imply that I needed to take care of it. I said well I can do that just tell me what you expect from us. In the past he gets upset with me cleaning his place because he wants it done a certain way...once again doesn't say how just gets mad. Then he says don't clean while watching the movie, but then says you could but you are too slow)
I said how can he need a break...hasn't the year of separation been a break? If he can't handle being with us for 3 days, how will he just suddenly be able to adjust by moving in with us right away cold turkey?
I told him I was just very confused. I said I want very much to do what makes you happy...why can't you say you want things? why do you get mad, stay mad and leave me to figure it out? It makes me crazy. He said told me to relax.
He was flat out rude. I said how can you be rude to someone you are starting a new r with? I don't understand.
I said you get so angry when I tell you what I want, how I feel, that we have no time to really talk. He said well you could talk when we go to dinner, I said you give indications that you don't want to hear anything I say and plus dinner shouldn't be a place to talk about r...what about just fun conversation.
I ended up just leaving. I called back, said I didn't like how our conversation ended and that is when he said to relax, bye. How can I relax when he does one thing but acts another way? Or says we one time with a bunch of Is next time! He treats me so rudely.
Gosh this crap is too hard. I'm in a minefield full of explosives while my h stands there watching me and not saying a damn thing! How can I work with this? He waits to get mad at me or kick me out of his apartment without any warning. If this is how it will be, tension will always be with me. I just dread being around him just because of episodes like this one. He sees nothing wrong with it though...I just need to relax.
Cindy, I wonder if when he tells you to relax he means that he feels he is only asking you for some space... not a D. That he wants to be able to have some space, and to ask you for that space and expect you not to become upset.
Remember what Michelle says about two steps forward and three back. Unfortunately, this is not a linear progression.
But, although you might not want to hear what H is saying, he is trying to talk to you and let you know that he needs a bit of breathing room. Sometimes you do to, right? I know this sounds STUPID, but try not to take his telling you he needs a bit of space personal...
Hang in there. Yes, it is very hard. But, you are not D, your H IS willing to work on the M, just not at the speed and intensity that you would like.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Good morning Cindy - Hope you are doing well today - I have been following your thread lately and sense that you are gooing great. However, you need to remember that while you feel that you are walking on egg shells, he is also walking on the same egg shells. (and walking through the same mine field) I have noticed that you say you are confused with him saying one thing then doing another, but I have notice you may be doing the same thing.
I believe that this may be expected though. Both of you are very sensitive to the slighest of perseved signals from the other and ASSumeing - Please give him the benefit of the doubt and communicate with him that you are committed on makeing the R work and to give you the benefit of the doubt also.
Now is the time to follow the DBing principal of keep doing what works and if it dosn't work, then don't do it. Keep on doing great. And I hope you have a really great day and new year.
Hi Cindy, I think your having a rough time right now, and it feels like things are not progressing to you. Oh boy, do I know that feeling.
Your H is hanging in there and you want more than that. I know the feeling. Things that he says sounds like he really does not care, but I don't think that's the case at all.
Things ARE progressing, it just feels like it's not sometimes and we get very frustrated with all this.
I lashed out at my H last night and I'm sure he is not very happy with me today, but I had pretty much reached the end of my rope with his nonchalant attitude and told him how I felt.
I'm certainly not saying that's what you should do. Anymore, I don't know what's right and what's not. I'm not even sure what works and what doesn't!
With us, it seems he needs this kind of just start from time to time and a hefty dose of reality. He's got his head stuck in the sand about alot of things and I have to lay in on the line from time to time.
Initially, he is upset with me, but it does seem to bring us closer for some strange reason.
That, and I am really getting so tired of his procrastination, so I told him I would not live like this forever, and that I NEED to be wanted and loved just as he NEEDED it when he had the A.
Cindy, this is undoubtably the hardest thing we'll ever have to go through. You've been so strong, and we can all see the positives that have been happening.
Stay with it girl, and keep giveing it your best shot.
We'll help each other through this limbo period, and come out on the other side. I hope today will be better! Rachael
Quote: I need help on this cause as I'm trying to turn my behavior into the opposite of what it was....like once I always let him initiate sex, now I attack, once I used to always talk away, now I attempt to draw him into the conversation, waiting patiently for him to answer, etc.
Cindy, a Martian approach, list 10 things you want him to change, and have him list 10 things he wants you to change. Doing 180s at random, is doom to failure, because it is hit and miss. Why do things that are not on the list. Review the list together and sort them by order of priority, and work on #1 only.
Review the love bank concept with him, and use it.
Quote: I wonder if when he tells you to relax he means that he feels he is only asking you for some space... not a D.
He didn't come out and say he wants the d...he'd usually call my lawyer not tell me. He doesn't tell me...he just explodes on me. So what do I do? Wait for the call from the attorney? I guess all I can do it wait...cause he won't call me to say anything.
Quote: That he wants to be able to have some space, and to ask you for that space and expect you not to become upset.
I just don't get the need for space. Hasn't he had that already this past year? I feel like I'm heading down that road where he will always need space and thus avoid and continue to not be a dad or husband. I don't want to drag this out for another year while he plays this "I need my space" bit. It is hard for me too but I want to take the bull by the horns, deal with it, learn to interact differently, be happy together....not continue to drag this out by avoiding each other when it gets too hard.
Quote: try not to take his telling you he needs a bit of space personal...
All I see is selfishness. And I feel as though he did this because he has been mad at me all week. He's getting me back. He says he has concern for me but he didn't care that I was upset. Did even try to find out what I meant...he just said relax.
And even though he may have the intention of coming back why is he doing all the little things that confuse it? Like keeping the receipts for his purchases, not wanting to go out with me, being rude, not talking, not caring how I feel, no ILY. I mean if you KNOW what your s wants to be happy, why do you NOT do it? It's so easy....why can't he just try to even talk to me about what bothers him. This bid for space I feel had everything to do with revenge and selfishness.
I don't have time for that now. To go put my heart on my sleeve then get it pummeled just because he knows I don't want a d...gives him the right to do anything he wants to me? That is how this episode feels when he holds back from telling me how upset he really was.
I even asked if he could go out alone, let off steam. Tried to do something new so than when we do live together this would be a new way to handle his stress, show I recognized his stress and was ok with him going out. But he just choose to kick us out. I even offered to clean up his place while he was at work so he wouldn't have to worry about it.
I guess it was all about getting away from me and that hurts cause I don't know what I did wrong!
