Need some encouragement

[kissak]

Well, my H has been home since April...we have been pretty much back together since Dec 09. He of course asked in October to come home. Things have been going good for the most part. His depression and down moments seem fewer and far between.

Right now he is on a low....and IM the one needing encouragement. I find a part of me preparing myself for another heartbreak, but I think that is just my survival instincts kicking in. IDK.

A couple of weeks ago I went away for a girls weekend. He encouraged me to go. I had a pretty good time. Although, on that Saturday his attitude was short with me by texts and phone calls. He was ticked off about something. But of course, he said he was "fine".

When I got home, I asked what was wrong that day, he said "dont know". Well, since then he has been acting down. Last weekend he didnt want to do anything with me or the kids. Just sat around the house. Even disappear for a few minutes to go to the store without telling us he was leaving. THAT bothered me. Brought back abandonment feelings. BUT I really didnt say anything, cuz he seemed in a mood.

Well, I havent seen him much at all this week between work and other priorites on his part. Last night though for the brief time I saw him, it was weird. He came home, and went into the bathroom to shower and all, and he LOCKED the door! He NEVER locks the door. I knocked and asked if I could come in and he said not right now. ??? ok, so I was thinking he was just needing some quiet time...ok, fine whatever.

Then I go to bed and he goes into the living room and sits facing the hall way....I go into the kitchen for a drink of water...he is texting away. I say nothing, then I go back into the kitchen again and it seemed like he hide his phone from me seeing him texting again....by this point Im bothered enough that I ask who is texting him this late at night....he has the look...like he had been caught or something...he said "just friends". THen I just walk away and while I was walking away he said "matter of fact one was just asking about you". I said nothing, just went to bed. MAD. So I lay there waiting for him to come to bed. Deciding how to bring up the fact that when ever I ask who he is texing (and I dont ask hardly ever).

Sorry this is so long....but he comes to bed, I ask him how come when I ask who he is texting all he will say is friends. Do these friends have names???? Well, at that point, he goes into this defensive mood....I keep my voice calm and low. I said it just seemed like he was hiding something from me and it was bothering me...oh, That was where I guess I made a mistake!! HE said in a rather loud voice "YOU think I AM hiding something from YOU??" Incinuating that I myself act that way all the time! Paranoid! I was taken back and asked why he thought that. He said because I would go and sit on the back porch or walk outside for no reason.?????? ugh!

Then he goes into this whole, I dont go to bars, go out and blah blah blah. I have to tell him to quiet it down by then. HE then tells me two different people that were texting him that night. I could tell he werent being completely honest about everyone who was texting him. He goes on to say that he has friends. Some who would rather not let anyone know they text him. WHAT???

UGH! Ok, maybe Im blowing things way out of here, but he was sooo defensive when all I asked was one question. I did tell him that I just wanted him to be able to talk to me, that I wanted COMMUNICATION! He said when he felt the need to talk to me, he would he told me he was trying to sort some things out lately, and that he has also just found out that he OW had broke up with her bf, not that he gave a *%#@, but for some reason it was affecting him in some little way and he was having to deal with it.

OMG. Its been a while since his last down time, but this one is bad. AND I am having serious trust issues right now. I dont know what to do. I did try to stay calm during the discussion, and he said he werent mad or anything, but Im so confused as to what to think now. It may pass, but why does he think its ok for him to have woman friends texting him...married ones even. I know he likes to be the helper, but I cant seem to say anything to him, without getting him angry. And when I do disappear outside or to the porch to sit by myself, its usually just to think about what is wrong with him at that moment because he wont tell me.

Needless to say, I had a bad night last night. But keep most of my feelings to myself. I feel like i need to get my db book back out and read it.

Maybe I should have never said anything to him about the texting. IDK.

Anybody have any advice for me?

Thanks for listening though...I feel like I cant talk to anyone around me about this now. I dont want anyone to worry that things may not be all that great with us.

Sorry, just a bit down today and looking for encouragement.