Allen, you told me so.

[Piano]

Because he has a right to see his child.

I didn't want him to EVER tell me I got in the way of seeing her.

He won't be seeing her for...what, another year?

He was in tears.

If anything, maybe it worked on his guilt, no?

[Seeing Red]

I think this absolutely works on his guilt. He's finally getting a taste of that sh!t sandwich he made by walking out on you, and it's vile.

I doubt he'll be gone a year. It's easy to walk away when you're convinced you're right, but he knows he's wrong and it's eating at him already. When OW can't fill the hole in his heart left by Baby Grand (and she won't), he'll be back.

Go dark on him, work on you, but send pictures to MIL. If she's Italian, Catholic, or Jewish, she'll work the guilt angle for you, demanding to know how he can stay away when his daughter needs him so much to be there.

Guilt + dose of reality = end of affair.

[Allen A]

He will be back, but he won't be an adult... And this will just happen again...

Piano has a lot of trouble getting tough on him... And with Addicts you have to be tough.

[Allen A]

Because he has a right to see his child.

I didn't want him to EVER tell me I got in the way of seeing her.

He won't be seeing her for...what, another year?

He was in tears.

If anything, maybe it worked on his guilt, no?

He lost the right to you inviting him to see her when he cheated and decided to split... He's not supporting you emotionally, physically, or financially right now... so he has a right to absolutely ZERO until he does.

Did it ever occur to you that telling him "NO, you can't see her" might just make him realize you aern't gonna put up with his crap and there's some consequences to his choices?

That's the one thing i am NOT reading here are any consequences... He gets pats on the back, alone time with a daughter he's not supporting financially, and he doens't even have to see you.... People are making it so easy for him to walk out

And yes I know your F's choices were not teh ones you wanted... Not blaming here. I want you to realize from his end why he's leaving... its EASY for him.

Guilt at leaving his daughter? Sure he feels guilty... if he was DENIED access without you being there and had to opt OUT he would feel even MORE guilty AND he would feel like a first class a$$.

He thinks what he's doing is OK... He feels BAD, but he's morally OK with it... When you stand UP to him you show him you don't AGREE iwth that.. You stand up to HIM, you stand up to the AFFAIR

When you support HIM during his affair, you support the AFFAIR

In short, it just enables him.

Yes, he feels guilt, he would have felt more guilt if YOU stood up to him too and told him it would hurt YOU MORE to have to deal with him at all and tell him to leave.


I want you out of the country. I don't want you near me or our daughter... you are abusive and selfish and I don't want that near either of us.

You can't see either of us... We don't want exposed to someone this selfish and cruel.


THAT is going to make him feel a hell of a lot worse than you giving him access in private... THAT statement will resonate with him for a YEAR if that's the last thing he hears from you... THAT is what you WANT.

Puppy DT has said this a thousand times, but it isn't said enough. Respect is a key ingredient in fighting an affair.

He isn't going to stop cheating on you until he respects you.

And no one respects a doormat. He is treating you like a doormat and you are allowing it with language and actions right now... He would leave anyways but you can stand UP for your MARRIAGE at EACH CHANCE you HAVE in EACH interaction... to get a consistent message across about BOUNDARIES

[Piano]

Okay I completely agree about the respect thing.

I have lost sight of that because of my co/over-dependency on my relationship with WH.

He has treated me and his baby like rubbish, for whatever reason (you are right, we don't CARE why), and I have enabled that.

I have not LED.

I have let him lead with his terrible, chaotic, irresponsible behaviour. I kept thinking that I was dealing with my H, but I was dealing with an ALIEN; or to put that another way - a man who had lost his feelings of love for me. I allowed social pressure (or perceived social pressure) to get in the way of my better judgement. Call it Mother's Guilt, or call it Piano Guilt.. whatever.

Okay, he's gone now Allen.

So the deed is done.

On my thread in Newcomers, we have decided that NC is the best way to go. Make him work for news.

I am sure the next email I will get will be in the next few days/weeks to enquire about the baby's recent heath checkup (she has a little issue, not worth going into here).

I don't see how much LEVERAGE I am going to have to "stand UP for your MARRIAGE at EACH CHANCE you HAVE in EACH interaction... to get a consistent message across about BOUNDARIES" when all our communication now will be email.....

??

[Piano]

Go dark on him, work on you, but send pictures to MIL. If she's Italian, Catholic, or Jewish, she'll work the guilt angle for you, demanding to know how he can stay away when his daughter needs him so much to be there.

Guilt + dose of reality = end of affair.

She's Italian all right! But WH does NOT like his mother. She's over-emotional. I think he now thinks I am like her, so I need to buddy up with someone else. I could go via his beloved aunty instead. But she's not exactly one to lecture him - she is currently another man's mistress! There is BIL, who's here anyway, so I think he's my link.

[Allen A]

You haev a lot of leverage since he's out of the country...

BOUNCE all his emails...

Send him a no contact letter... He gets no news of the baby or you or anything until he returns and agrees to end the affair.. period

[Piano]

I think Allen, it's too late to 'put my foot down'... but by the same token, I am hardly going to rush to reply to his enquries about bub, am I?

He wanted this all wrapped up neatly before he left me to care solo for his child..he wanted to stay friends so I would 'help' him have a long distance relationship with our 3 month old.

Well, screw that. I won't help him. I won't block him. He moved away, that's his decision. I am just going to show him with the qaulity of my replies, that I am moving on..

which is what I intend to do.

Thanks for your help, Allen. But my growing feeling is that this M probably can't, and certainly in it's current form, should not be saved.

[Allen A]

No the current marriage shoudln't be saved... any marriage that results in adultery needs to be reinvented, that goes without saying.

Your call on no contact... I don't think its ever too late to put a foot down and shut a spouse out... Particularly one like your husband who is doing a GREAT deal of damage to this marriage and is offering ZERO positive input, not even cash which is minimum

I don't thin its ever too late to put a foot down.

[Piano]

I might have a reason to put my foot down.
Just received a letter from WH addressed to our 3month old, sent the day before he took the plane.
I don't even know how to describe it...It's a kind of love letter to her...about how his heart is heavy and how he will miss her, how wonderful and magical it was to meet her..how she will be in his heart forever, and how he will keep writing to his 'beautiful daughter'.

I want to vomit.
He needs a psychiatrist. He KNOWS it's me who will read them now. Not one mention of his infedelity, abandonment, or $ he will be sending so his 'darling daughter' can have a roof over her head.

Oh help!