Half Way There

[Truegritter]

Pun

You have been battling the MLC monster for some time.

And I do mean battling.

Fighting.

I like what Twink said

Be still.

There will come a day when someone will say to you what

appears to be.

And you will KNOW what IS because you will have it inside you.

You will come to it by conquering your doubt.

and then

You'll know what to do, and when.

Just sit back and watch this comedy.

For now.

[seeking answers]

Punkin,

What appears to be going on vs. what's really happening with our S's is something very difficult for our friends in RL to understand.

I have heard the same thing from most of my family and friends about moving on since my H most certainly has.

A couple of days ago a friend asked how long I was going to wait for my H. I told her I'll know when I'm done and I'm not done yet.

Unless you go through this and take the time to learn what a MLC really is, I'm sure to others we appear like we're the ones off our rockers.

Getting comfy, pass the popcorn please.

[ericmsant2]

Pun

Moving on....standing....These debates really interest me. They do.

I have posted what I am about to say before but feel the need to post it again. Maybe...I am doing this for me...maybe not. If this does not make you think a bit...well then shred it or have the moderator remove it from your thread

So our spouses are being total a-holes. So our spouses have made choices that WE do not agree with. So our spouses are acting in a manner that we do not appreciate. Have we stop for a minutes and looked at where we went wrong in the M? Man I have to say, I do not see many post along these lines. I tend to see a lot of post highlighting what our sicko spouses are doing.

I wonder if we stopped looking at our spouses for a day or so and spent more time looking in the mirror at ourselves; would we not be in a better place - both emotionally and in our current sitchs.

So the question I think we should ask when we debate standing or not moving or whatever it is that you want to call it is this...

If we were controlling in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were emotionally distant in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were sexually unavailable in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were manipulative in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we were jealous in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we were financially irresponsible in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we had no sense of self - is that our S fault and how long did they put up with it?

If our S asked us to change - how many times and how long ago was it and how long did they deal with it?

If we made our S the center of our world and place on them the pressure to make us happy - how long did they have to deal with it?

If we were verbally abusive or emotionally abusive in our M - how long did our S have to deal with it?

If we did not give our S enough attention, and even though they asked for it never really gave enough....how long did they have to deal with it?

If we needed our spouses to validate who WE are - how much pressure was that? How long did they have to deal with it?

If we were insecure in our R and/or in our self - how long did our spouses have to deal with it?

If we cheated in our M and then our spouses forgave us - how long did they have to deal with it?

If we focused more on work than on our R's - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were not the greatest parent - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were quick tempered in our M - how long did our spouses have to deal with it?

I guess my point is, if we were to consider their suffering (and I am not talking about the suffering of MLC) in the M...maybe we would all be a bit more compassionate towards them and not be so quick to move on, move forward, stop standing - whatever you want to call it.

So we expect our spouses to realize that we have changed. We expected our spouses to come to their senses, we expect them to stop hurting us, we expected them to come home. We actually sometimes have a timeline. I say we the LBS....should reverse our expectation and look at them from our spouses perspective. How long did they wait? How long did they complain about something? How long did they try?

Having said this, I am not saying that anyone here is lacking compassion or is quick to call it a day. I am only pointing out that I believe our role as the LBS is to really focus on the issues that we had and NOT focus on the issues or things that our spouses are doing to us. Either said then done - I am guilty as charged. How many others that are reading this agree? Don't answer me - answer yourself.

The compassion that I refer to does not mean that we do not get pissed the F off. No - it means that we learn to understand and I mean really understand that everyone is responsible for their own behavior - that includes us.

As the strong people that we all are (and shi* you have to be strong to put up with this shi*), our tendency is the fight back.

To stand and fight. Often we can't sit still. It would be for us "former control freaks", the ultimate act of giving up control. Is this not the true "work" that we should be doing.

To point out the wrong doings of our spouses (and no I am not on a soap box - i am just as guilty as some of us) just hands the power over our actions back to them. It is justification at it's finest.


Here on the MLC board we have something that we call little Friday... a very cool concept..I would actually like to offer up another proposal.. How about we call it "self reflecting Sunday" - it would be a day that we do not focus on the craziness of our spouses but rather focus on the areas of growth the we know we need to take.

Pun - as Grit suggested...stop fighting for a bit, sit tight and focus honey on YOU. Sorry if this was a mini hijack.

God Bless,
Eric

[dl443322]

Punkin, I have not caught up on your whole sitch, but I can see you are a strong woman.

While it may feel good to get stuff off your chest, often times the MLCer is not hearing it. You are just spinning your wheels.

Time is better spent on you. Find your center because when you do, you come closer to peace.

I think it is best that you pulled way back from your h. You need to work on finding out what makes you happy, what can you do to become the best punkin.

Your h journey is just that. His. Let him walk it.

And I hope that you continue to walk yours. I agree with my friend Eric. This is an extraordinary gift we have been given. An opportunity to become the people we were meant to be. And that is where our focus should lie.

Hang in there.

[punkin]

Thanks Grit, Eric, Brook and SA,

I know I let him draw me back in to his drama through this waiver thing. He is attempting to manipulate me through his anger. We really didn't fight often, but I was the peacemaker 90% of the time. I just loved him too much to be mad and stay mad.

I do realize there are mistakes that I made: becoming complaicent, taking for granted that I wasn't doing enough to make him feel like a man regardless of his problems. I think back now to times he asked me to sit by him on the couch and I was too busy doing something else. Things I took for granted. As the drinking became worse, the more I pulled away.

I have no idea where this will lead. Two of his emails are sitting in the trash bin in this computer, and I have been tempted to read them, but resist, as I know it will do no good.

I had a long talk with a good friend last night. Actually, the one who wanted to be more than friends. His point to me was that H has moved on and I won't accept it until he says it to my face. That I should arrange this meeting and have him say it and get it over with. He doesn't understand that it wouldn't change my feelings at all. There would be no closure, only pain.

I'm hanging in there. What else can I do. I expect repercussions that I didn't sign the waiver. I just have to wait and see.

[LanceSijan]

I expect repercussions that I didn't sign the waiver. I just have to wait and see.

Rule # 3 for MLC. NO EXPECTATIONS

[Truegritter]

His point to me was that H has moved on and I won't accept it until he says it to my face.

I am going to say this to pun and anyone else that is listening.

You will hear this from people.

What is really being communicated when people say this to you?

They may have an alterior motive (this may be your case Pun)

But

more likely they have no f@cking clue what you are doing.

They are projecting their own fear on to your situation.

Think of how we relate to people.

How we empathize...

We try to understand and place ourselves into people's situation and then try to feel what they are feeling.

Right?

Look how long it has taken you to get where you are.

Remember how much pain you have had to suffer

...to learn the things you have learned so far.

So someone is going to give you advice by empathazing with your pain for a half a F@cking minute?????

Not F@cking likely...

You know why?

Look at our divorce rate in this country.

Most people don't have the stomach for this...

Somebody hurts them and

They run away.

THAT is what most people do.

This path takes courage. You have to overcome a lot of pain before

YOU grow.

To understand that you are not abandoned

That you are in control of your own life and only you can decide what you want.

That you are not a victim.

That you are someone who stands up for themsleves because they know who they are.

This is a journey and a long one...

Do not be sidetracked by the voices of the inexperienced.

You already know more than anyone you are likely to encounter

so

Keep your faith

... in yourself.

[seeking answers]

Punkin Sweetie,

Remember the good friend has an agenda of his own.

If you sat down with your H right now and he told you to your face that he is done, move on, what would that prove? I'll tell you what it would prove. H is deep in replay and he's spinning. What he thinks he wants now and what he wants if/when he awakens will be two different things. Remember MLC = Confusion.

There is a reason things are happening as they are. We may not know why at this time so you'll just have to trust the path you're on. It will be revealed to you in time. Something we have plenty of in this.

Be still, have trust and patience. We're here with you.

(((Hugs)))

Great post Eric. Thanks for the reminders. Self reflecting Sunday is a great idea. (((Hugs))) for you, too!

[dolphin_05]

Yeah like that idea of self reflecting Sunday Eric and your post was spot on. Punkin, True and SA both offer sound advice in this.

My H told me numerous times he didn't want anything to do with me and didn't want to communicate with me except through a L. Now he has dinner with D and I every week and has had us as guests in his house. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I know it's hard but don't take it all to heart. Let it roll off your back. Just let it go.

[courageous wife]

Be still, have trust and patience. We're here with you.

(((Hugs)))

Very nice SA!