H came for dinner with D and I. He bought a salad and wine. Seemed to go ok. When he left I saw him to the door and he leaned in for a hug. He did not ask for the legal paperwork.
I know that he is not seeing too much of OW but they are still together. When I spoke to db coach some time back she said to just ignore that she exists. That can be challenging!
My posts are really just thoughts and observations but think I need to do this to see if there are consistent changes;
H phoned to say he would be home earlier than expected and would therefore take D (usually texts)
H also collected D (I hadn't asked him to do that but he knew I could be late)
H asked how I got on at my medical appointment (2nd time he's asked now after 3 yrs of not asking and I have quite a lot of medical appointments)
H offered to bring something for last night's dinner. I suggested wine and salad. He bought both and also another wine for another time, and some of D's favourite apples.
If you don't want a D, don't bring it up again. If your H brings it up, tell him that he will have to do the work for it. Tell him that you will protect yourself and D, but it's his divorce.
Thanks SA. I feel I have a clear direction re the D. I have decided that I will not bring it up but when H mentions it I will just go along with it. A friend of mine says H needs the D to clear the past away and then start again without any commitment. I'm not sure about that but what I am noticing is different to previous times.
During other positive periods I was walking on eggshells cos he was very volatile and anything could have set him off again. It appears different now in that he is able to acknowledge a different perspective and discuss things calmly and rationally. He is much more like H of old but still with some reservations and reluctance to totally engage...a cautiousness.
That being said OW is still present, although doesn't appear to be much commitment to her. Doesn't seem to go there too often and she's rarely at his place. Is he cake eating? Probably, but I am prepared to take a risk as this time as there seems to be some progress. However, this will be for a limited time. Atm I also feel it's ok cos he's giving as much as he's taking (bringing stuff for dinner, driving D etc)
I'm so happy your husband is peeking out of the tunnel. Hearing that someone is seeing improvement of their sitch is an inspiration to me. Sometimes it is hard to imagine there is any sort of light at the end of the tunnel, literally.
I have been following your thread even though college friend in town has kept me busy. As I read your thread your H sounds like a shy guy who is interested in a girl and approaching cautiously. It doesn't sound like OW is getting much attention. You sound very centered now. This will give H confidence to approach further. Don't be discouraged if H pulls back a bit. My XH seems to be pulling back a bit. Not sure what's happening, but it makes me want to warn you to not be surprised if your H does something similar.
Your posts led me to Freckles thread. Very interesting! I will be working my way through it over the next few days. Thanks!
When will you be speaking to your DB coach? I am posting about my convo with Jody this evening. Will you post about your DB session too?
Hi Punkin, Thanks for your post. I have been walking this line for a long, long time! My patience is constantly challenged. I need to get my financial settlement finalised and then I should be more at ease with it all.
Today I got a humorous email and later a follow up about the settlement.On saturday we have plans to watch a DVD together with D if it fits with our plans (he may have work).
Hi GAG, I'm following your thread carefully too as I see some parallels there. I have plans to call the DB coach but think I will do so after the financial stuff is organised. If he is still visiting then I will know this is genuine....
Tonight H confirmed that he will have dinner with D and I every Tuesday.
I feel quite centred actually. I know I am much more detached than I've ever been and H knows this time that any issues and I won't be tolerating them. He also knows that I have made a commitment to speak my truth at all times and I have been doing that. He has responded very well when I have spoken up about issues that have bothered me.
Take care GAG and I will post on your thread tomorrow when I have time to re-read Jody's thoughts.
Lots going on for you and GAG, all positive stuff, but as Freckle has found out some times just hanging in there if you feel you can, can provide surprising results!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
.............. as Freckle has found out some times just hanging in there if you feel you can, can provide surprising results!
LR, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Thank you! I have been planning to read Freckles thread......today might be a good day to do that.
One year ago, 9 months post-bomb, Jody (DB coach) said to me, "6 months ago you changed the 2 things that H/XH said made him walk away. What do you think would convince him those changes are genuine?" I said "He probably needs to see consistency over time". It appears at this point that consistency may be having an effect on him.
