INTERESTED IN MLC FOR LBS

[seeking answers]

Bobby,

Please re-read Mach's post. Even if you believe it's too late and you'll be getting a divorce, you still need to do the mirror work.

Let that be one of the blessings of your journey. Take a good hard look at you. Commit to being the best dad and Bobby O you can be.

Do the work and some day, believe it or not, you'll be thankful for your W's MLC.

Take care of you and the kids. Let go and let God take care of your W.

[Bobby O]

I have done the mirror work for a long time. The biggest problem for me was being a physician and dividing myself between my family and patient care. I have changed my job and moved to different states in order to meet her more time at home requests.I consider myself a very giving person and have always tried to put her and the family first. She accused me of an affair years ago that NEVER happened. I even offered to take a polygraph that she cancelled the day before. I more recently changed my job again so that I work one week and am off the other week. I wanted to travel with her and plan retirement. She however is not happy with where she is and is blaming me for all of her unhappiness. My wife at times has a lot of insecurities and sometimes feels people judge her in a negative light. She has always been like that. She is a RN and I put her through school. She has always been an overachiever. The biggest problem I think is that my wife had been unhappy for a long time. She failed to make that point to me. I thought things were fine. I would move a mountain for her if I could and she knows it. I have gone into individual counceling and saw a Psychiatrist who was the one who told me the problem was this midlife crisis syndrome. I had no idea it could do this to women. The Psychiatrist had told me that my son coming home from the war in Iraq and her going to school would improve her self esteem and she might eventually come around. I think he is right in what he said. At present she is not happy with me. She says we have different interests etc. I have always put her first and have done things together with her rather than go off with individual friends. My wife does not let a lot of people close to her. In my opinion, her best friend is the sister who has metastatic cancer. I paid for her sisters mortgage etc. when she could not work. I volunteered hundreds of hours to paint and lay wood floors down at the ballet studio my daughter dances at. This was at my wifes request and I did it gladly. In short my wife blames me for her unhappiness and I have told her that only she can make herself happy. Believe me when I say that his woman is my best friend, my soulmate and the love of my life. I hope this helps describe me a little more. I do appreciate this help I am getting with this difficult struggle in my life. Bobby O

[Albuquerque]

Hi Bobby O

Sorry you have to join us here. I'm relatively new here myself, but it is great to have this forum to talk with other people, going through similar situations.
As I said, I'm still relatively new and still learning the ropes myself. But what stands out to me with your post, is that you still spent the entire paragraph discussing what your wife wants and explaining how you have have changed/will change because that is what your wife wanted.

The unfortunate fact about MLC is at this moment, your wife doesn't care Jack **it about what you do. It's about her. The recommendations that people on this board have made are accurate. If you make changes, they need to be because it's what YOU want, not because it's what you think it will help get your wife back.

You are staying at home more. Is that something you've wanted all along? What are YOU doing to get a life (GAL) and move on. This is a long road. She will be off doing her own thing for a while. You need to detach (hard but necessary) and go on as if she's not coming back. She has to go through this alone. In a way, you already know this. You spend a lot of your post listing all the things you've "done" that prove in your mind why you were a great husband (and I'm not disputing any of them). However, then you state (CORRECTLY),

my wife blames me for her unhappiness and I have told her that only she can make herself happy.

That is the key to all of this. She must go through this on her own. There is nothing we LBS can do other than stand for our marriage (if we choose to do so) and GAL. Make changes within you that YOU feel need to be addressed, but do them for YOU.

[punkin]

Morning Bobby O,

I haven't posted to you before, but I've followed along since you showed up on Ken's post. Interesting title. If that appeared anywhere else, say the classifieds in the newspaper, people would be shaking their heads wondering what kind of freak you were.

Anyway - Alb is right about your being too worried about her wants. I should know, my H has been driving me crazy with his, and we're seperated. Right now you have to concentrate on yourself, your health, your family, your interests. You can't go through this for her. You didn't break her, you can't fix her. That's our motto. For myself, I like God's will never leads where God's love will not protect.

((HUGS))

[Truegritter]

My reply to her was that I no longer had an obligation to tell her my whereabouts.

This sounds a bit bitter...

And all I read up there ^^^^^ is how you sacrifice for your W.

While this seems altruistic and noble this is not healthy for YOU or your M.

Let this thought process continue and you are on the road to Bittertown population YOU.

What we are talking to you about is a process.

You have to pull yourself out of the sh!tstorm which is your W emotions/drama that you a have been a WILLING participant in.

There are no victims only volunteers in this MLC game.

Get me?

You cannot control her actions but you can control how you react.

Once you are out of the storm, you will begin to see things differently...

You can begin your journey.

You seem to be the fixer/enabler and believe me I know of what I speak.

You can't fix this my friend.

Stop fighting her.

You will see a change in you and her when you stop.

Detach.

[seeking answers]

Bobby, it is evident from your posts that you are a fixer. I would say that most of us who find our way here are.

It has been said over and over again that we can not fix our spouses going through MLC. Your focus has to switch over to you. How I hated hearing that when I first got here. I was looking for a way to save my marriage and I was told you have to save yourself first. I was told to do the work on you, and maybe your M will be restored and if not, you will be OK then too.

The work has been hard and it continues to be, I've also realized it will be never ending until I meet my maker.

I feel that you, like me, found happiness in doing for others. I got my greatest rewards when pleasing others. It has been very foreign for me to turn my focus on me and please myself. I still flounder and am at a loss at times with that. I miss that feedback from my H that he appreciated an act of service.

I am working to define myself as a whole person comfortable with the fact that it's OK to do what makes me happy. Yes, I still have children at home to consider. I am, at this time, the sane and present parent. My goal is to be the best mom and SA that I'm capable of.

Find the rewards of focusing on yourself. God will take care of your W.

[Mach1]

I have done the mirror work for a long time.

Really ?

The biggest problem for me was being a physician and dividing myself between my family and patient care. I have changed my job and moved to different states in order to meet her more time at home requests.I consider myself a very giving person and have always tried to put her and the family first. She accused me of an affair years ago that NEVER happened. I even offered to take a polygraph that she cancelled the day before. I more recently changed my job again so that I work one week and am off the other week. I wanted to travel with her and plan retirement.

Where is she in these decisions ?

Or are these plans all yours ?

My wife at times has a lot of insecurities and sometimes feels people judge her in a negative light.

Lets see if she is correct ?

She has always been like that.

She is a RN and I put her through school.

She has always been an overachiever.

The biggest problem I think is that my wife had been unhappy for a long time. She failed to make that point to me.

I thought things were fine. I would move a mountain for her if I could and she knows it.

I have gone into individual counceling and saw a Psychiatrist who was the one who told me the problem was this midlife crisis syndrome.

The Psychiatrist had told me that my son coming home from the war in Iraq and her going to school would improve her self esteem and she might eventually come around.

My wife does not let a lot of people close to her.

In my opinion, her best friend is the sister who has metastatic cancer.

In short my wife blames me for her unhappiness and I have told her that only she can make herself happy.

Believe me when I say that his woman is my best friend, my soulmate and the love of my life. I hope this helps describe me a little more. I do appreciate this help I am getting with this difficult struggle in my life. Bobby O

Maybe....just maybe , she is right ?


Bobby.....Until you decide that you played a role in the breakdown of this marriage, you are not gonna heal.

What I see is you wanting to be the victim here. You describe yourself as almost perfect. I got news for ya bro, no one person is perfect.

Your wife doesn't want someone to plan her life for her. Someone who rolls over and does what she says.

Yes you did all of those things because you love her..

But it seems that you have no problem reminding her that you did all of those things.....oh....... because you love her.....


Like this....\/ \/ \/

I paid for her sisters mortgage etc. when she could not work. I volunteered hundreds of hours to paint and lay wood floors down at the ballet studio my daughter dances at. This was at my wifes request and I did it gladly.

Dig deeper Bobby....that is what I want for you...

Believe me when I say that his woman is my best friend, my soulmate and the love of my life.

I believe you.....just cause you told me to...

I'm just not sure your ACTIONS showed that to her....

[Bobby O]

I am learning alot and I am sure I had been part of our problem. I will continue to dig deeper. I have been staying away from her and the house for the last 2 days. I plan to be away today as well. She still has been asking me where I have been going and I have been vague and not telling her. I must admit I am confused with how one is to detach. I know some people indicate that I should not be rude or harsh and others say I should. I walked into the study last night to find my wife crying in front of my 23 yo daughter. I have no idea what that was about and I did not ask. I figured my wife would tell me if she wanted to. Ironically, I changed jobs to be home more but with all of this going on I am staying away. Tomorrow I plan to by some wood and make a bookcase in the garage. I do appreciate everyone helping me. I will continue to pray for all of us. In closing, has anyone heard of the 40 day plan related to a recent movie? My brother mentioned it to me yesterday and suggested I see the movie, the name escapes me at present. God Bless Bobby O

[LanceSijan]

I must admit I am confused with how one is to detach. I know some people indicate that I should not be rude or harsh and others say I should.

No treat her like you would a good friend or someone on the street.
Do not be rude. Be kind.
They do remember how they are treated when they are in the tunnel.
That does not mean that you should not maintain your boundaries. You must stick with them.
Try to re-read the detach link for additional help.

[seeking answers]

Bobby,

Treat your wife with respect and be pleasant. I guess civil is the word I'm looking for. Do not give her anything she can use as justification for what she is doing. Believe me she will rewrite your marital history enough to do that.

Building the bookcase is good. Keep busy doing those things that you enjoy.

I asked if you knew what kind of childhood your wife had. Even though there is nothing you could do about it may give you some clues as to why she's going through this.

Get used to the ironic. A MLCer is full of it.

Hang in there, we're walking along with you.