I woke up this morning and I felt a sense of relief. Relief WH was on that plane and that the daily drama was over.
By lunchtime, I was starting to miss him.
By evening, I cannot understand what has happened to my life & I feel extremely anxious that here I am, bunking in with my parents, in a city I only came back to because we were coming together, and no home/direction of my own.
Bub is nice to cuddle, but it's not the same as the comforting arms of your mate, now is it?
I am starting to wonder if wanting to R is detremental to my health. It's keeping me in limbo.
Also, get this:
My mother (who has a very bad memory and cannot recall anything) tells me today that when WH visited yesterday, amongst the few things he said to her was "She STILL loves me!".
I asked what tone did he say it in? Was it negative, like "what a silly person, she still loves me, only an idiot would love me after all that's happened"
And she said, no, he sounded sort of bewildered.
Hmm...even so... alarm bells going off in my head. I think he has no respect for me and thinks I have low self esteem (true).
He's said several things to me since Bomb to the effect of, "I wish you could live without me".
That's why I am starting to doubt if I love him or if it's more that I don't love myself.
To top things off, just had a fight with my mother and feeling fed up that since Sept 09 I have not had a place of my own. I can't even imagine myself being happy in a little flat here with bub.
