So, you did those 180's and H changed, but you talk as if he does not want you. If your 180's worked, wouldn't he be pursuing you, wanting you now? Rachael
You are correct we've reached an impasse. He's back to not pursing so I need to reevalute my 180s. Maybe the fact that I want him is causing him to sit back to see what I do now. Before he was unsure but now that he knows he has reached a place where he's comfortable that he doesn't have to do anything.
I think 180s using the Love Languages book may spark some response...whether he begans to pursue as a result will be an indication I'm on the right track.
When the tactic you are using does not produce the results sought then we need to try another approach is all. This may be the case in your sitch too.
It seems to me this shouldn't be so hard. Love shouldn't be so hard. We're in essence trying to "make" them love us again. We do everything we know how, and read about new ways to try, and I'm getting to the point of wondering if my H will ever love me the way he once did, and if he does, will it fade away again one day? I'm tired of trying to "make" him love me. I want to be loved for who I am and not who I have to become in order to have a chance that H may care again. I'm still the same girl he fell in love with all those yrs ago. He's still the same guy. I still love him and am not asking him to change. Sometimes I think people just fall out of love and it seems from on here some get it back, but then I wonder...did they ever really lose it to begin with?? Rachael
Yes, love shouldn't be so hard. We all change...in little ways. Remember when we were first in love with our h's? They could do no wrong, even the fact that they laid around watching TV didn't bother us. this is the 'in love' feeling. I think love as it matures because a choice...to do for the other person without expectations. Sometimes we fall out of love because we let our expectations get in the way...we want our h's to do certain things (ie, be home on time, let us meet their friends, know everything about where they've been, talk to us a certain way, etc....and these aren't wrong but we lose our delivery tactics sometimes becoming demanding and rude).
I think we both have changed from the 'girl' our h's fell in love with. I know I've become more cynical and distrustful of him, more narrowminded about what the 'right' thing to do is. I really have lost my sense of fun since I"ve become a mom. So caught up in housework, school activities, work issues, home repair, etc., that I'v lost myself and driven my h away. I know I'm not the same as when we first met.
We like our h's must let go of our perception of what it is to be in love. And since we have grown older, develop a new sense of what it means to live in close proximity to someone that sometimes gets on our nerves...someone that isn't like us in thoughts or mannerisms. love is learning to NOT make h like us but to learn to live with them and their differences and still love them.
This is a hard row to hoe but we are learning. And though your sitch has been going for 2 years...how long have you been db'ing? My sitch has been this way for 7 years but I've only started db'ing in June.
Well I did a bad thing Saturday night. I went out and got a little tipsy which is not the bad. I got to h's apartment and while I was waiting for him to show up, I snooped. Big no, no. but I had seen a small blue piece of paper in this one spot for about the last month and curiosity got the better of me. I read it and it turns out to be from h's neighbor lady across from him. She wrote that she'd like to meet him for drinks to discuss their 'relationship'. She said that she liked hanging out with him but was not interested in a commitment. She liked being single and wanted to avoid a relationship, focus on her and the kids. She wanted to get his thoughts on the subject.
Well I don't know who to be mad at...h, her, me for reading the note! I had spoken to h's neighbor Kristi, told her that h and I were working on our marriage, she saw me come over numerous times to stay, go out with h. Yet she tried to get in a relationship with him!!!! She actually has 3 small kids under the age of 5 too which to me makes it even sadder! This episode with the neighbor happened as early as October and seems to explain why he was so hot to get rid of me. Actually told me as early as first week of November that he wanted the divorce. If she gave him the note the next week, I guess he back tracked to not get divorced then cause he didn't have her to fall back on!
Well when h walked in that evening...I asked him point blank why he was with me since it was apparent he's been dating other people. I did not tell him I found the note. Needless to say I was irate but did not yell (like that makes it better). H said that because I was so unsure as to what I wanted he's has gone out with other women. This is news to me....I've been sure since April that I have not wanted a divorce so I don't know where he gets off saying it was because of me! I tried to point that out but he skated around it. He said he wants me now, is seeing me, is going to counseling so I should be satisfied...that I need to get over it. I said well I know that that is why I'm in counseling but it still hurts my feelings because you act like you don't want me, you don't even call me. He said well Friday night when I could have called you I had gotten stuck at Walmart in line for 30 minutes after a hard day at work.
He did call me Saturday night around 9pm to say he had a horrible day at work, wanted to know what I was doing. He implied that I could come over to his place if I wanted. Called me again about 10pm to say he was going to his friends and to give me the number there. I call him back at 11pm and he says he ain't ready to give him 1/2 hour. He doesn't invite me over to be with him. So I say ok well I'm going to go on and I'll see you tomorrow...he says ok. It hurt that I hadn't seen him all week and then when I ask him to go do something....he opts to stay with his friends.
Well when we finally got together Saturday night we had that discussion about his other women...I did apologize and blamed my high emotions on drink. He was really mad that I couldn't let it go and told me he'd stop being mad if I shut up about him dating. I apologized again and then was silent. We stayed together the rest of the weekend and it was a good time.
He did mention that he felt pressured by the '3 things' conversation so I said sorry about that. He said he just doesn't have 3 things to talk to me about...nothing happens to him at work. But I said I do appreciate you calling me Saturday after work to tell me about the hard time you had...I felt like I was a part of your day. He said that is all you want to hear about my sucky day? I said yes....I just want words to come out of your mouth about anything you are thinking, feeling, doing...even if it is 'hey I got stuck in the line at Walmart and it wore me out!'. I said I don't want your dissertation just conversation about anything at this point will do. He said well that makes it easier.
I also told him I was hurt by the fact that he couldn't invite me to his friends house...why did I have to wait half an hour? He said you didn't give me a chance to ask you (this even though he called me twice...once to say he was going there, and once when I got back near him)! I said it hurts my feelings that you don't want to be with me. You go all week without seeing me and then when I call or try to make plans with you...you don't call me back and you don't ask me out. He said well I wasn't sure you wanted to. I said well I'm telling you know...I want to be with you. He said well it's hard to get that since you filed for divorce. So I said ok I'm sorry for moving out, for filing, for being unsure about what I wanted to do, for going up and down about it....he interjected some stuff into my litany of things I was sorry for....and then I said I'm sorry and I do want to be with you. I do not want the divorce.
I'm going to have to swear off drink I think after this episode. I didn't want to push him and I know I shouldn't have....he seemed ok with it once I apologized and the rest of our time together was uneventful.
But now I feel like a rabbit caught in a snare...worried that now the hunter is on his way to put me out of my misery. Will he call it all off now? He seemed ok to be with me. ML quite a lot since Saturday...h was very aggressive and attentive (actually told me it was his mission to satisy me ..the 2nd time he said wow! )
1. H sat next to me on sofa and we cuddled...that's a first! 2. Bought me my favorite booze and made me 2 cosmos! 3. Kissed me good-bye. And then a second time, then a third, then a fourth!
It was a great evening. I miss him already. I asked if we'd be getting together soon and he said we'll see what is going on later this week.
If nothing else I will see him Sunday until Wednesday next week as the boys and I will be spending those nights with h.
That's great to hear. Show's he IS thinking about you. So, just continue being patient and learning how best to be his wife. Amazing how it all comes full circle, isn't it?
Merry Xmas! Another year almost past. I've thought the last 2 yrs that this one would be different-things would be better. I'm not sure they are. Xmas Eve he said he was going shopping for something-hinting it was for me. He had already been shopping for me twice. He was alone and said he was just pulling into the mall. Something kept telling me to call him, so I tried. No answer. I tried several times and still no answer. My mind was wandering, telling me that he was with "her." Having some kind of private Xmas thing. It was dring me to distraction, and I started driving to his apt.to see if maybe they were there. OBSESSING! About 50 min. after the first time I tried to call him, he called me back all bubbly saying "I see you tried to call me." I could NOT hide the suspicion I had. I asked WHY he did not have his cell phone with him. He said he left it in the car. I asked him WHY he would do that. He said his battery was dead and heleft it in there to charge. Hmmm. Could be true. Could be a lie too. It wouldn't be the first time. He always used to get defensive and angry when I'd accuse him before I actually know about the A. You know-the guilt trip they try and lay on you for even thinking that they'd be cheating when they are in actuallity and are lying through their teeth. I can't say he is, but his actions don't help, by this I mean his mean comments and anger at me. I told him my mind started wandering and I got scared. I asked him if he understood how I would feel that way. He said yes, he could but his actions were that of anger. I told him that I was sorry and that I was trying very hard to trust him, but that it's going to take time and alot of effort on my part. I told him it was Xmas Eve and I did not want to spend it angry at one another. He pretty much had an attitude all evening-he was pretty cold to me. When we got ready to leave his Mother's I asked him if he was still comimg to spend the night. He hesitated and he could have gone either way, but he chose to come over. Now he was not real enthused about this from the beginning, meaning he was not showing me with his actions that he wanted to be with me. I think something in me snapped. I am to a point where I don' want to pursue him anymore. I need some space from him and I hope I don't worry hat he will run to the OW if I back off. I don't think I will. That's the thing! I need to get to the point where I'm showing him with MY actions that I won't put myself in a position to be treated less than what I need! His lack of affection and caring is reaaly starting to turn me off. I want our M, but I'm not feeling him put forth much effort in this. I'm walking on aggshells, trying to please him and he's certainly not trying to show me how much he wants us. The balance is way off here,and I need to turn things around by my acions. That being me not taking be treated any less than how I need to be treated. Am I wrong in my thinking?
I think you are driving your h batty with your insecurities. He does love you but can't be made to feel bad every time he's around you. He most likely feels bad enough and guilty. He wants to come back but you need to get a life first. Let him go. Go out and practice leaving him alone. Don't read into his actions (ie, the cell phone in the car at the mall). Don't try to guess what he's going to say or what he's thinking.
The more you stop getting dragged into futile thinking and actions the more your h will seek you out! Go have fun.
..the 2nd time he said wow! 