My New LBS Reality

[cat04]

Irish and CD Bear,

Lin has an amazing story and it is refreshing to see her posting again a bit. I have wondered what happened to her and her H.

The only warning I would give, is that as you look at the reuntied marriage stories, that you watch your definition of success. Those that have reunited and are truly happy, they have done the work, during the time of separation, to learn all of the things that we keep telling you about. The things that you are learning now.

It was because of that learning and growth, that Lin had the strength and ability to welcome her H home, to make the choice that she felt was best for her, and to continue on rebuilding their R.

Other's, like Brooklyn, have had similar growth and have had to make different choices for now. Maybe not forever, but for now. Brooklyn, her future is her's to write. Believe me, that woman, and many other's here, who aren't reunited, are definately success stories.

The common denominator... they looked within. Stared at the mirror until they wanted to smash it. And they took a step, every day...

Keep steppin...

[imLIN]

Cat04...I definitely agree with you...I do like to show that there is hope to reconcile even when all "appears" lost...that being said I also don't count those that don't reconcile as failures by any means...while some may not "do the work" they have to live with the decisions they make...those that "do the work" but still for whatever reason don't reconcile will be better prepared to face the rest of their life.

I think anytime there are marriage problems it points to the weaknesses of both parties...and allows the opportunity to grow and learn...or fail...but each spouse has to make a choice and if they choose together that is a good thing...if they choose apart, while it is sad, it is not by anymeans the end...

Success is measured by what is learned...like going to school...hard work + good grades = successful learning...
for LBS's hard work + commitment to self-improvement = successful life...

I post because when I was going through this I didn't find a lot of active support and very few successful reconiliations...I just needed to KNOW there was hope...but realized in time that I would be fine no matter what!

[irishblessings]

Lin and Cat ~

I appreciate your time and guidance. I really understand that success is defined in many different ways. Right now, I see an LBS as successful by simply being able to get up and accomplish anything in a day. I also realize that everyone has their own value system and must determine what they are comfortable with - I am just interested in the different experiences by friends on this board.

I had dinner with one of my closest friends tonight - she said that she wished she could give me a magic pill and that I could snap out of this low point. It helped talking to her and hearing her perspective. Tomorrow is my first DivorceCare class - am interested in seeing how it goes. Saw my IC today - struggling with the feelings of being "disposed of" or "tossed aside" - but I also see it as somewhat one of the stages I need to push through in order to completely let go.

Thanks for all your input.

[LanceSijan]

IB it will get easier as time goes by. I can promise you that.
Take at least a few steps forward each day and soon you will have a mile in under your belt, you will be able to look back and see where you have been.

After a while you will realize that the destination is not as important as what you see along the way.

This journey that we are on is a lifetime journey and you must keep stepping forwards. If you get pushed off course or fall down you pick yourself up dust your self off and keep moving.

[Truegritter]

she said that she wished she could give me a magic pill and that I could snap out of this low point.

That is what Brooklyn says and then

"The only way through it is through it."

That is the truth.

Remember Jack's sig?

"Experience is a brutal teacher but you learn, my God do you learn" CS Lewis

It gets easier...

[punkin]

Lance,

Very profound. I'm babystepping my way out of recent contact with H right now. Had to go very, very dark. Dusting myself off as we speak.

[irishblessings]

You guys are the best! I actually think that I am going right through it for probably the first time. When the cheating began - I quickly just tried to make everything ok. Cover up so that life would go on as it was. Now I am probably paying a price for it. But then again - maybe it was all supposed to happen right now - I'm more financially stable / the kids are in good places. This is my chance to deal with all of the heartache that has been building up from the past few years. Even though I don't want to deal with it.

So tomorrow is another day!

[dl443322]

Thanks Cat, my friend.

IB, you asked on my thread about anger. You said that you havent been able to get angry. I struggled with that for a long time. I was sad, and a whole lot of other things, but I couldnt for a long time, feel anger.

Part of that was because I blamed myself for everything. I believed that things my h told me. It wasnt until I started growing me back that I began to realize that while there were things I contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, and I took ownership of those, my h also played a part.

I know that I cannot control or change his parts, but I can control and change mine. And that is what I began to do. I looked inward, boy did I look inward and sometimes I didnt like what I saw. Those are the things I worked on and continue to work on.

When you stop blaming yourself, that is when you will stop feeling discarded. You begin to realize that you had faults, but you did the best you could. And you really must forgive yourself.

The anger will come. Some have it in large amounts. Some not so much. I used my anger to propel me forward on my journey. I began to realize that the anger didnt serve me. I sapped my energy, it weighed me down. It didnt change anything.

As I continued working through the process, I saw more and more that anger was getting in the way of where I wanted to be. I accepted that my h did things that were hurtful. I remembered who he used to be. And slowly, I forgave him. I prayed for him. I wished him well. As I did, I began to feel at peace.

It is through compassion and acceptance that one gets to unconditional love.

So, this is all a process. It will unfold as it should. You just keep working on you. That's where your focus needs to be. Use your feelings to take you to the next step.

You cant rush this. It takes as long as it takes. Be kind to yourself.

Keep going.

[punkin]

Irish,

Getting over blaming myself has been the roughest spot in the road for me. I feel like God gave me a second chance after his mini-MLC 8 years ago, and I blew it.

I appear to the outside world to be self-confident and my usual smiling self, but all the self doubt and hurt is still deep inside me. It doesn't come out as often now, but is still there. I'm always aware of its presence.

It's like my head knows one thing and my heart another. Sometimes you've just got to decide which is best to listen to.

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn and Punkin -
I completely believe what you are saying. I think that my looking inside is impaired by the layers of hurtful things H has said and done. It's like I can't push them aside - I have to go through them in order to find myself. But once I get through them and actually deal with them rather than push them aside then I may be able to move forward.
I was planning to start a DivorceCare class tonight - but decided that I wasn't ready for it just yet. So I came home and cooked dinner for S and friends and had a quiet evening.
Thanks for listening!