Well I did a bad thing Saturday night. I went out and got a little tipsy which is not the bad. I got to h's apartment and while I was waiting for him to show up, I snooped. Big no, no. but I had seen a small blue piece of paper in this one spot for about the last month and curiosity got the better of me. I read it and it turns out to be from h's neighbor lady across from him. She wrote that she'd like to meet him for drinks to discuss their 'relationship'. She said that she liked hanging out with him but was not interested in a commitment. She liked being single and wanted to avoid a relationship, focus on her and the kids. She wanted to get his thoughts on the subject.

Well I don't know who to be mad at...h, her, me for reading the note! I had spoken to h's neighbor Kristi, told her that h and I were working on our marriage, she saw me come over numerous times to stay, go out with h. Yet she tried to get in a relationship with him!!!! She actually has 3 small kids under the age of 5 too which to me makes it even sadder! This episode with the neighbor happened as early as October and seems to explain why he was so hot to get rid of me. Actually told me as early as first week of November that he wanted the divorce. If she gave him the note the next week, I guess he back tracked to not get divorced then cause he didn't have her to fall back on!

Well when h walked in that evening...I asked him point blank why he was with me since it was apparent he's been dating other people. I did not tell him I found the note. Needless to say I was irate but did not yell (like that makes it better). H said that because I was so unsure as to what I wanted he's has gone out with other women. This is news to me....I've been sure since April that I have not wanted a divorce so I don't know where he gets off saying it was because of me! I tried to point that out but he skated around it. He said he wants me now, is seeing me, is going to counseling so I should be satisfied...that I need to get over it. I said well I know that that is why I'm in counseling but it still hurts my feelings because you act like you don't want me, you don't even call me. He said well Friday night when I could have called you I had gotten stuck at Walmart in line for 30 minutes after a hard day at work.

He did call me Saturday night around 9pm to say he had a horrible day at work, wanted to know what I was doing. He implied that I could come over to his place if I wanted. Called me again about 10pm to say he was going to his friends and to give me the number there. I call him back at 11pm and he says he ain't ready to give him 1/2 hour. He doesn't invite me over to be with him. So I say ok well I'm going to go on and I'll see you tomorrow...he says ok. It hurt that I hadn't seen him all week and then when I ask him to go do something....he opts to stay with his friends.

Well when we finally got together Saturday night we had that discussion about his other women...I did apologize and blamed my high emotions on drink. He was really mad that I couldn't let it go and told me he'd stop being mad if I shut up about him dating. I apologized again and then was silent. We stayed together the rest of the weekend and it was a good time.

He did mention that he felt pressured by the '3 things' conversation so I said sorry about that. He said he just doesn't have 3 things to talk to me about...nothing happens to him at work. But I said I do appreciate you calling me Saturday after work to tell me about the hard time you had...I felt like I was a part of your day. He said that is all you want to hear about my sucky day? I said yes....I just want words to come out of your mouth about anything you are thinking, feeling, doing...even if it is 'hey I got stuck in the line at Walmart and it wore me out!'. I said I don't want your dissertation just conversation about anything at this point will do. He said well that makes it easier.

I also told him I was hurt by the fact that he couldn't invite me to his friends house...why did I have to wait half an hour? He said you didn't give me a chance to ask you (this even though he called me twice...once to say he was going there, and once when I got back near him)! I said it hurts my feelings that you don't want to be with me. You go all week without seeing me and then when I call or try to make plans with you...you don't call me back and you don't ask me out. He said well I wasn't sure you wanted to. I said well I'm telling you know...I want to be with you. He said well it's hard to get that since you filed for divorce. So I said ok I'm sorry for moving out, for filing, for being unsure about what I wanted to do, for going up and down about it....he interjected some stuff into my litany of things I was sorry for....and then I said I'm sorry and I do want to be with you. I do not want the divorce.

I'm going to have to swear off drink I think after this episode. I didn't want to push him and I know I shouldn't have....he seemed ok with it once I apologized and the rest of our time together was uneventful.

But now I feel like a rabbit caught in a snare...worried that now the hunter is on his way to put me out of my misery. Will he call it all off now? He seemed ok to be with me. ML quite a lot since Saturday...h was very aggressive and attentive (actually told me it was his mission to satisy me ..the 2nd time he said wow! )

Cindy