Still trying to find my way

[bluestar]

Mystik, this is where you need to stop the negative thoughts. I'm sure your C has discussed how and we've given you some strategies on your thread. GAL is one of those strategies. You might not feel like doing something for GAL, but you have to do it anyway. Eventually, you'll want to. You can't wallow in this anymore. It's hurting you and more importantly, your S.

I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm saying it as a friend who has been exactly where you are...EXACTLY. You are waiting for your H to do something that he will not do. I cried to my C about wanting my H to at least try but he refused. She told me that I can't make him do anything and I have to let that go or I was going to drown in depression. I left really mad at her, but she was right. I had to let that go.

You H has proved time and time again he is not going to do what you want him to. For right now, you have to let that go. That doesn't mean he won't at some point in the future come back, but right now, he won't. You have to let him go to save yourself and your S now.

[Mystik]

I don't know how to let go. I have loved him for so long, over 10 years.

[CityGirl]

Well, as long as you keep telling yourself "you can't" or you "don't know how" that is exactly how things will remain.

Your H will continue to become more aggressive about this divorce because it is what he wants. Period. It is hurtful but it is what it is. My H did the same thing.

At this juncture your choices are file on your H and that be that or let him file and sign. If you don't things will get very ugly for you and your son. You and your H can barely manage things with your son now... imagine if things were worse?

You have this amazing resource, a C, books and what I guess to be a very smart brain. It's time to use all these resources as stepping stones and not venues to wallow in sorrow. Stop reading the other board if you feel it brings you down! Stop surrounding yourself with things that are not helpful to your healing!

You have to want to heal and you have to accept (at some point) your H is not willing or interested in being a part of that. My H wasn't interested either. Not much else to really.

[Joeli]

Mystik, I've read everyone of your posts since I first started coming to these boards, I admired the commitment you displayed for you H from the start till today. I'm really not the best for advice since I'm in a similar sitch.(I don't want to sign or get divorced) but I've agreed with her, I'm giving her the divorce. Not only for her but for myself. She hasn't changed nor will she anytime soon, has you H changed at all? Do you really want him how he's maliciously hurting you? You have to stop wanting what he could be, see how he is right now. Give him his D but on your terms. You've tried everything else to let him know how you felt and you wanted to work it out, but it's been your desire not his. If you love him as much as you say you do(too put up with all this crap) give him the D let him feel he's free and let reality come back on his ass.
I do empathize with you on not feeling complete their was a lot I had planned with my W but life changes people change. Their a tons of men who'd love to have a woman who'd be their and not believe divorce is an acceptable solution. Just for the moment things that we had planned in life get sidetracked. Like wine great things come in time, as with what goes around always comes around. Wish him the best and remember if it's meant to be it will be if not something greater is only a step ahead.

[Mystik]

CG and Joeli, for some reason despite all the hurt and bile he's spewing I do still love him and want him back. I can't comprehend how he can be so hurtful, it goes against all my memories of him being loving. I can't understand how our 9+ years together mean so little that he's throwing it all away.

[Mystik]

I dreamt about H last night. It was a long dream but the overall theme was he felt trapped with OW, he realized that she was a controlling b*itch and he kept saying, "And I chose her?". In the dream he wanted to get back with me but didn't know how to get away from Whore.

[TimeHeals]

Mystic,


But in a single cell in prison, I had time to think. I had a clear view of my past and present, and I found that my past left much to be desired, both in regard to my relations with other humans and in developing personal worth.

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. - Nelson Mandela



I am submitting these quotes by Nelson Mandela because he discovered his inner strength, his inner peace, and forgiveness while being imprisoned for 27 years.

You have this idea that you need a family with n number of kids (and I expect there are more features) to be happy.

This is not true. Happiness comes from within you.

Men and women have discovered this under the most unlikely circumstances... even while being imprisoned for decades, seperated from their loved ones and familes.

[bluestar]

This is what my mom told me when I was going through my D with my first H. He had multiple affairs and was abusive but I too couldn't believe he would leave me. I couldn't believe he didn't even want to try. We had 3 kids and spent 11 years together. My mom said that some people don't know how to love. Love is about unconditionally accepting someone and making them a priority in your life. My ex couldn't love like that. With him, it was always about "I'll love you if..." the house is clean enough, we have enough money, you do exactly what I want, etc. True love doesn't purposely hurt the one you love.

I bet if you think about it. Your H has not had this kind of unconditional love for you either. It took me a long time to finally see our relationship for what it was(over 2 yrs post D). I had to quit projecting my love onto him, stop fantasizing over what I wanted him to do. I had to start focusing on me.

This is where GAL is crucial. Have you heard the saying, "Fake it til you make it". It's true. Start doing things that you know you need to do for yourself. Do some fun stuff with your S. Get involved at church or a club. Find a meetup group, book club, cooking class, anything. Whatever you do get out of your house and get with other people. Eventually, you will feel better but you have to have the action first. The feelings will follow.

[Mystik]

All my life I've based my own happiness on how happy I've made others. I know nothing about finding it within myself.

I have heard the saying "Fake it 'til you make it". There's a reason I didn't become an actress, I'm too genuine to fake things. If my heart's not really in what I'm doing, it's very obvious.

[Mystik]

I'm conflicted on filing. It feels like I'll be giving in to H's demands like I always do. It feels like H will think that I'm accepting his choices and will think we're friends. It feels like I'll no longer be taking a stand for my marriage and my beliefs that divorce is not the best option.

I suppose if I initiate the proceedings then I'm legally bound to sign them. I can't start the process and then back out leaving H to be the one to pursue it.