Half Way There

[ericmsant2]

Pun

Moving on....standing....These debates really interest me. They do.

I have posted what I am about to say before but feel the need to post it again. Maybe...I am doing this for me...maybe not. If this does not make you think a bit...well then shred it or have the moderator remove it from your thread

So our spouses are being total a-holes. So our spouses have made choices that WE do not agree with. So our spouses are acting in a manner that we do not appreciate. Have we stop for a minutes and looked at where we went wrong in the M? Man I have to say, I do not see many post along these lines. I tend to see a lot of post highlighting what our sicko spouses are doing.

I wonder if we stopped looking at our spouses for a day or so and spent more time looking in the mirror at ourselves; would we not be in a better place - both emotionally and in our current sitchs.

So the question I think we should ask when we debate standing or not moving or whatever it is that you want to call it is this...

If we were controlling in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were emotionally distant in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were sexually unavailable in our R - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were manipulative in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we were jealous in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we were financially irresponsible in our R - how long did our S deal with it?

If we had no sense of self - is that our S fault and how long did they put up with it?

If our S asked us to change - how many times and how long ago was it and how long did they deal with it?

If we made our S the center of our world and place on them the pressure to make us happy - how long did they have to deal with it?

If we were verbally abusive or emotionally abusive in our M - how long did our S have to deal with it?

If we did not give our S enough attention, and even though they asked for it never really gave enough....how long did they have to deal with it?

If we needed our spouses to validate who WE are - how much pressure was that? How long did they have to deal with it?

If we were insecure in our R and/or in our self - how long did our spouses have to deal with it?

If we cheated in our M and then our spouses forgave us - how long did they have to deal with it?

If we focused more on work than on our R's - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were not the greatest parent - how long did our spouses deal with it?

If we were quick tempered in our M - how long did our spouses have to deal with it?

I guess my point is, if we were to consider their suffering (and I am not talking about the suffering of MLC) in the M...maybe we would all be a bit more compassionate towards them and not be so quick to move on, move forward, stop standing - whatever you want to call it.

So we expect our spouses to realize that we have changed. We expected our spouses to come to their senses, we expect them to stop hurting us, we expected them to come home. We actually sometimes have a timeline. I say we the LBS....should reverse our expectation and look at them from our spouses perspective. How long did they wait? How long did they complain about something? How long did they try?

Having said this, I am not saying that anyone here is lacking compassion or is quick to call it a day. I am only pointing out that I believe our role as the LBS is to really focus on the issues that we had and NOT focus on the issues or things that our spouses are doing to us. Either said then done - I am guilty as charged. How many others that are reading this agree? Don't answer me - answer yourself.

The compassion that I refer to does not mean that we do not get pissed the F off. No - it means that we learn to understand and I mean really understand that everyone is responsible for their own behavior - that includes us.

As the strong people that we all are (and shi* you have to be strong to put up with this shi*), our tendency is the fight back.

To stand and fight. Often we can't sit still. It would be for us "former control freaks", the ultimate act of giving up control. Is this not the true "work" that we should be doing.

To point out the wrong doings of our spouses (and no I am not on a soap box - i am just as guilty as some of us) just hands the power over our actions back to them. It is justification at it's finest.


Here on the MLC board we have something that we call little Friday... a very cool concept..I would actually like to offer up another proposal.. How about we call it "self reflecting Sunday" - it would be a day that we do not focus on the craziness of our spouses but rather focus on the areas of growth the we know we need to take.

Pun - as Grit suggested...stop fighting for a bit, sit tight and focus honey on YOU. Sorry if this was a mini hijack.

God Bless,
Eric