Just don't know what to do anymore

[Nvrgivup]

I have been reading others posts for the last year and a half and thought maybe it was time to share my story and look for some advice.
It is 3 years in the making so I apologize up front if its a little long.
On August the 8th 2007 my wife came downstairs and needed to talk to me. She told me that she had been unhappy for some time, and that "she no longer wanted to be a wife, a mother or live by any rules anymore". She told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. This started the 3 years of hell I have lived through. I was shocked! I certainly knew that things weren't perfect, but I had thought that our relationship was pretty sound, and in fact had matured and begun to truly thrive. I could not understand (nor still) why it had come to this. I found out over the next while that she was having an emotional affair (at least) with a much younger man at work, and over the next several months I watched as she disappeared night after night, coming home intoxicated in the wee hours of the morning, and at times not at all. She continually denied anything more than a friendship. But she was always with him sleeping at his house, and going on outings with him. she moved into a hotel on and off for about 6 months staying a few weeks then coming home then leaving again. She wouldn't talk to me about it, and essentially ran away whenever I tried to talk to her. on the few occasions where we did talk, she would tell me that she didn't want a divorce (that went on for 2.5 yrs or so.) I did the unthinkable, and begged, bought gifts, wrote poems and songs. tried to show her books and reports, websites anything I could to show her how I felt and why this was a bad decision. Obvoiusly I know now why that didn't work and in fact made things much worse. Anyways 2 years of hell as we lived in the same house (separately) and I watched her run farther and farther. She denied the other men (there was more than the one over the 2 years) Until finally last summer I decided we needed to be apart and we sold our home and I moved out (she is now renting "our" house from the new owner. Fast forward to now, I have been in my own place nearly a year, she now has a boyfriend that is "very special" and will be filing for divorce this week she says. I guess what I am looking for is some advice on what to do next? I have always believed that it is never too late, I believe in the vows we took, and I believe in what we had. My freinds tell me I have to give up, its over. I am hurt and confused, I don't know who is right anymore? my convictions and my love for her tell me to hold on, that it is never too late. But 3 years, and the papers pending delivery. I just don't know what to do? When do you just concede? I don't think she really wants to divorce, she has never said that's what she wants, only that she "has to" She has said things like "right now" and sometimes couples reconcile after years. But at the same time blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong. Do I hold on to my WAW?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Sorry you're here nvrgivup.
Others will be around shortly.

This one has Puppy Dog Tails written all over it. Listen to his advice!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Who has custody of your kids thru all of this "Mother of the Year" behavior, Nvr?

Puppy

[Nvrgivup]

Well technically its 50/50. Switching every Friday, but reality is I'm the only true parent right now (with all due respect)since she formally announced the "boyfriend" about 3 weeks ago my middle and youngest have been at my house full time except for a night or two. My oldest unfortunately has struggled mightily, he is staying with her full time, but admits its because he can do what he wants and she is rarely there. He dropped out of school last year officially but hasn't really gone at all since this began.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That is sad.

Of the below (which are the ONLY things I've ever seen work), I'd definitely suggest "2b" for you. It'll be liberating for you, and MAY just shock him into some last-minute epiphany, although I gotta be honest: personally, I think you can do much better.



"Puppy's Short Version, All-Inclusive Advice" for Waylayed Spouses Who Just Got Bombed"


1. Get proof (of whether or not there's OM/OW). Hint: There almost always is.


2. Do either:


2a. Aggressive affair-busting (see Allen A's posts over in Infidelity)

Allen A's Posts

; or


2b. "Set Them Free" (Robx/Gucci approach)

"Setting Them Free"


Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.

Puppy

[Nvrgivup]

Well I know for sure about the OM, like I said she admits it freely now. I think affair busting is out of the question, since for her its not an affair (separated means free to date and whatever else she tells me) So I'm on to set them free, which is probably where I should have been for the last few years. But man have I struggled with that. Even after reading DB and reading posts here and knowing what I needed to do, I found it near impossible to just shut up and let go. Guess that is where I still am. struggling to let go

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Read the thread. There's some GREAT stuff on there.

In fact, read any posts by Robx and Gucci that you can. Some great suggested "scripts" and mostly just give you the overall attitude you need to pull it off.

Puppy

[Nvrgivup]

Thanks Puppy, I did have a look through the posts and will go through the whole thing later tonight. Even though I've known better for a while now, I do know that the only way to accomplish anything from here is to follow the advice. Accept it could work one way or the other, and not spend too much energy "hoping" it works out the way I want it to? Guess I'll just do it and see what happens.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The thing is, you can't do it to make it "work." You have to SINCERELY be ready to let them go, out of some combination of self-worth and an "I love you enough to let you go" attitude toward the wayward spouse.

Puppy

[Nvrgivup]

I get it Puppy. I think that is what I was trying to say. I need to stop spending energy on if it is going to "work" and just do "it". Since my last post I did spend a lot of time looking through some of the others you recommended. I did find it helpful, and actually have felt quite a bit better about the whole thing. I know the "roller coaster" analogy gets used a lot, but boy, I spend an evening say working on letting go, then waking up the next morning already thinking about what "I can do to fix this" I'm finding if I don't focus on moving on, my mind wants to slip back to the default by itself. Does it just get easier with time?