Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

I'm trying to focus on DS. I am not going to tell H how I'm feeling, that will make me even more vulnerable than I already am.

Have to see H this morning to exchange DS. When he asks about my terms, because I know he's not going to let this go, I'll tell him since I had not planned on ever filing I'm still working them out.

[Vulcanized]

I honestly think he still does not grasp just how much I am hurting from his choices and actions. I want to tell him how sometimes it hurts to breathe because I hurt so much, that I walk around with a near constant pain in my chest from missing him so much.

No, he doesn't. Even if he had an inkling, he wouldn't care. I have to agree w/City Girl. Your H sounds like a spoiled teenager. And, like CG, I have to say, your H's responses to your e-mail sound very much like my own spoiled teenager H.

I know how much this hurts, but you have to just muscle thru it and keep going.

It hurts that I'm never going to be able to experience pregnancy or raising a child with him again. It kills me that he is giving that honor to someone else, not his wife. I want a second child so bad, have for years and he kept promising me one if I accomplished the goals he set. Well, I reached the goals he set but he never even tried to get me pregnant, just came up with some other goal for me to achieve.

Be thankful that you don't have another child w/H. He's not supporting DS, I can't imagine things would be better w/a 2nd.

[Mystik]

Today sucked. It started out rough by me knowing that H and Whore were going to be playing happy family with my son at the local fair. When H picked up DS he had Whore's brat with him. I just sent DS to his car and went into work.

Had therapy, we talked about the money thing, she said that the money for DS's co-pays and daycare is separate from divorce and should be handled through family court. So I'm going to pursue that route.

When H dropped off DS the first thing he asked me was what my terms were. I replied that I didn't have any yet because I had never planned on filing. He asked if I expected we were just going to live separate lives and never divorce, then asked what my plans were. I replied I'm just trying to get through each day, I can't plan any further than that. So H asked if I still had hopes we would work things out and I nodded my head, he said I need to give that up and I told him no, that I will always have that hope. He said that all I'm doing is hurting him, hurting myself more than I have to and creating animosity. He said that this past weekend he and Whore moved things around in the apartment so now he's in the same room as his pregnant girlfriend. I asked him why he was telling me that when he knew it would hurt me. He said that I need to hear hurtful things so I'll let go and move on, and that all I'm doing is hurting him. I retorted that he's hurting me. By this point I was crying, not sobs but tears were streaming so he backed off. I sobbed the whole way home and now, here I am.

[Mystik]

He also asked me since I had never planned to file if, when the no-fault is available, would I at least do that and I told him no.

I also told H that I don't feel he tried to save things. He was incredulous, said, "You think I didn't try?" And I said no, he was too busy running off to bed early every night with his cell phone.

[TimeHeals]

I also told H that I don't feel he tried to save things. He was incredulous, said, "You think I didn't try?" And I said no, he was too busy running off to bed early every night with his cell phone.

Yeah, well... most of us faced that problem. Does it matter? I mean, it would matter if you two were talking about reconciling, but as things stand?

Now, what have you done this week with your GAL?

[Mystik]

And you know what f'ing hurts? Seeing all these people on the other board having babies, getting pregnant, getting married. Hell, one girl has a gay husband but they're going to have a second baby together before they divorce. H kept denying me that second baby I desire. And now I'll never have that chance again. I feel like I'm not complete yet, that I'm missing a part of me. I felt that way even before H left and now that he's gone that feeling is even stronger.

Had a dream about H last night. We were talking with someone there acting as a mediator. In my dream he admitted to not trying to save our marriage, said he chose Whore because she was offering sex and that appealed to him more than talking to me to try and salvage things.

[Mystik]

GAL? That is the farthest thing from my mind. I'm just hoping I can make it through each day without worrying about GALing.

[TimeHeals]

And now I'll never have that chance again.

Never is a long time, Mystic.

I feel like I'm not complete yet

Now, that is something to examine. I am pretty sure you ARE complete, but then... you don't feel complete.

Probably what is driving that feeling explains that dream too.

[Mystik]

I had always planned to have more than one child ever since I was a little girl. Two or three, that's what I had set my heart on. So to have just the one, I feel like such a failure. I didn't reach my dream of two or three kids. Hell, I couldn't even keep my husband so what makes me think I can be a good parent since I sucked as a wife?

[TimeHeals]

Hell, I couldn't even keep my husband

He was a man, not a pet. It's not like you left the gate open, and he got out and got lost.

He made choices, and he could have chose not to get involved with somebody else (among other things) and leave his wife and child, but that was not what he chose. You can't control him.

what makes me think I can be a good parent

You can be a good parent if you make that one of your future and present goals. It's your choice.

I sucked as a wife?

Did you? I'm sure this is not all your fault. You didn't make your husband run off with another woman, for example.

Would you like to beat yourself up a little more? You are just tearing yourself down to no good end with this. Forgive yourself, feel what you need to feel, but then let it go and love life again. It's where you will wind up--one way or another--in the end anyway.