Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Back from MC. Good news? There may have been progress today and my W isn't leaving the house.

Bad news? No new committment per se on my wife's part (6 month, willing to work, etc).

Lots of things were talked about, some I've already forgotten but I'll give the cliff notes:

- MC finally got W to get to the bottom of why she has had an A in two seperate times in our M. It came down to the fact that W was lonely. The reasons for her loneliness were that she didn't have many friends, she didn't have a life outside the home, she didn't have social interactions, and I was either working alot, or out more than normal. I think it finally sunk in with my W that the reasons for the A were not mostly within my control and I didn't directly cause them to happen and she couldn't justify them happening because of how "bad" a H I am/was.
- MC asked what my motivation for my changes were and I was honest, telling her that I'm just making these changes for me and the man I want to be. Maybe in the beginning after the bomb I was changing or doing things just to please my W, but not anymore. She asked W how that made her feel and she said good, but she was afraid they wouldn't "stick". The MC asked her "And what would be the signs to you that it did stick"... W had no answer.... "If he did these things for 6 months would that be sufficient?" .... W answered yes and nodded her head enthusiastically.
- I sat back alot and tried to let my W take the conversation in MC. I only spoke when a question was directly asked of me.
- I got "beat up" alot by the MC for my controlling behavior. Ultimately we decided that my controlling behavior stemmed from my complete inability to trust my W. We had the transparency talk and she explained that W would never be transparent unless she felt safe without judgement. We talked about how to do that, W is now transparent.
- The topic of S or D never came up. The MC was focused on finding ways to have us communicate our problems so we could talk about progress.
- The topic of me seeking validation for my changes came up. MC said it was OK to seek that, but W needed to provide that on her own time. I (internally) decided not to seek any more validation.
- W likes some of the changes, but doesn't think they'll stick. At first she just said - John stopped biting his nails and he doesn't smoke, that's it. I thought to myself that was kind of sh*tty for her to say when I know there has been so much more so I called her out on it in MC. I told the MC that there was much more to it than that, and I listed several things like cleaning up after myself, taking initiative with S4, spending more time at home, being more helpful, etc. She turned to W and asked if those were true changes, W responded "Yes, but I don't know if they'll stick" Again, my W has mentally blocked out any changes that I'm making for the better.

The MC gave us homework on writing down our expectations of our spouse and then sharing them. She also asked W to come up with a list of 3 things she would want changed in the M. W agreed to do that before next meeting. So, she's at least engaging her in this process.

I think that if I take a step back and look at this session it was a mild success. The MC did a few things now that I look at it:

- Addressed W's concerns in the email head on.
- Got W to talk alot more than another other MC session ever. W was visibly upset and crying alot of the session unlike any other MC we've been to.
- Attacked me in some ways to let W know that she was "on her side" when it came to the bad things I've done
- Gave homework to engage W until next session.
- Had W look at the big picture (changes stick in 6 months, ok?)
- Didn't acknowledge that S or D was a good thing or even a choice at this point.