Awest, you are right. I admit that. I guess I hadn't mentally prepared for the conversation. It definitely was a weak moment. I've been trying to be as "on" as I can around the girls because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. But I obviously have a long way to go.
This was like last Thursday night when STBXW butt-dialed me from S.D. It was late at night and I didn't have the girls so I didn't know what the call would be. I let it go to voice mail and then when I listened to the message it was a couple of men's voices and STBXW.
I remember my heart started beating through my chest before the message. I just so wanted it to be a "I miss you" call.
Sad ... and a reminder of how far I still have left to go.
CG. In a way STBXW and I are both still acting out the tired old routine. Neither one of us will admit we're wrong. Even if I find an amazing person, much better suited for me, I can't imagine myself ever saying to STBXW, "you were right. It wasn't working."
Just like I doubt she'll ever say to me "I was wrong. You weren't the reason I was unhappy. We shouldn't have gotten divorced."
It's the fixer in me. I'll always think that we could have worked things out if we both rolled up our sleeves with an MC.
I was thinking of another thing. I have to let go my need for the last word, for revenge and for her to realize she was wrong. I don't want to live my life having to be proven that I was right.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Well, you are really the only one that can break your part of that dynamic.
It's so interesting to me that men have the very best intentions and what to "help" and "fix" yet it is the very thing that annoy women the most. Yet, the more women become annoyed by this very thing, the more men want to do it!
My H would come home and ask me about my day. I would tell him the good and bad. If I had a difficult client or project I would tell him about it. To me I was just talking and when I was done he would say "well, drop the client". WHAT? I am just sharing my day and he is giving me idea after idea on how to "fix" something that didn't need fixing!
I don't know what the balance is really because it's REALLY nice when somebody wants to help you out. I just feel there is something in between that can please both a man and a woman!
Just give it time. You are going through some stages. Currently, a bit of anger showing in the interaction with your D11. Eventually you wont care what your STBXW is doing on her own. These things have a way of working out for the best in the end.
The important thing is your STBXW is still a good mother.
I was thinking of another thing. I have to let go my need for the last word, for revenge and for her to realize she was wrong. I don't want to live my life having to be proven that I was right.
I read a quote somewhere once that said "you can be right, or you can be happy"
Yes. Kerry. She is a pretty good mom -- although divorcing a devoted dad knocks her down the great mom list -- just a lousy wife.
CG. Yes. I've learned the "fix-it" thing lesson and I'm working on it. I've learned no one likes a know-it-all and I sometimes can come off that way. I caught myself doing it again this year in my church group.
There were mixed signals though with STBXW. There were lots of times early in the M where I took initiative to help out and STBXW would show appreciation. I mean the job she has, the career that's so precious to her, is one I found for her because she was unhappy where she was and I asked a friend in the company to recommend her. I helped her get in and she's thrived on her hard work.
I was always proud of that -- but it's another thing she didn't get to "do on her own."
So when things went south and she wouldn't say what she actually wanted I thought if I just worked harder it would fix things. I remember in 2009 she finally said "you don't do those things out of love. You do those things so I'm too dependent to leave you."
That's how far out of whack our marriage had become. I always thought we were a team and it was the combined result that mattered. I've learned now that there has to be room for two in a marriage -- not one super spouse and the other meekly tagging along.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I don't doubt you are very intelligent and filled with good ideas but I think, for men, especially that can often be an obstacle with women.
I actually just thought about my dad when I was reading your posts. Today is his b-day. He would have been 63. He died in Dec. of 2006. When I got my first job out of college I was in a carpool so I didn't drive my car to work each day. I was living at home at the time and one day my dad called me at work to tell me he noticed a crack in my windshield. Now why that couldn't wait until I got home I don't know. When I got home I didn't see a crack so I asked him about it... his response "don't worry, dad got it fixed for you". I WAS FURIOUS! Who told him to fix it? NOBODY! But he could not have been more proud of himself that he did. I hope if my dad is in heaven he is reading this now so he knows I finally "get" why he did that.
Men often try and "fix" out of love. I get that. You only wanted the best for your W and you wanted to do anything to help her dreams and ambitions come to fruition. I don't know what the balance is because even though "fixing" grates my last nerve I do see how lovely a gesture it is.
