I just feel like i;m gonna be throwing in the towel soon.
Ive was there about 5 days ago. As soon as I threw mine it something werid happened. She showed some decent signs. Things are still not great but she hasnt said the "D" word in a while. I take what I can get. Its easier to throw in the towel but as soon as you hear something you have not heard before it sucks you back in...lol
Well boom went the D Y N O M I T E!!!!! Meet wife and kids at restruant. Everything going good until she asked if I was staying at the house. I said yes. She was not happy and said she was not coming. I said it's our youngest first day of school shouldn't we all go as a family? She didn't want to hear it. Youngest would not let go of her crying and yelling for her to come home. Finally I just got him and put him the car seat crying. I got mad and told her I hope she though it was worth it. She told me if what I did was worth it. I said no, that I was sorry. All I want to do is help her heal. I could offer transpaerency, phone, etc.... I would help fill her love bucket. She said didn't think there was anything I could do. So I told her if she didn't want to be in the family that she should leave the house. She said why should she be punished for something I did 3 yrs ago. I told she was not being punished. If she didn't think anything she had done had work to seek spirtual path, since she had never tried that way. Said the she didn't have to and nothing is ever good enough. She said God doesn't forgive infedility. It couldn't have gone any worse.
Last edited by didthehurt; 08/16/1002:08 PM.
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
Sorry things didn't go the way you wanted them to, didthehurt. I know the feeling. The script your wife is following sounds so familiar to me.
It's good that you apologized for what you did in the conversation -- try to be sure that when you say you are sorry you are not just saying I am sorry for what I did, but rather I am sorry I HURT YOU by what I did.
Few other thoughts from my end --
1) As much as you get angry or frustrated, you HAVE to control yourself and your emotions. Avoid being angry at her in what you say or in your words. You HAVE to stay cool, calm and lovingly detached.
2) Try to validate what she is saying more and argue against/find solutions to what she is saying less. When she says "I don't think there is anything you can do and I don't want to be punished for what you did 3 years ago." instead of listing things you could do or things she could do or saying you are not punishing her, try saying that you understand that she feels that way and it must be hard for her to feel like that. In other words, don't try to argue against her feelings or fix her feelings or find solutions to her feelings, VALIDATE them to reduce the sense of you being against her and increase the chance of emotional reconnection that you are trying to see things through her eyes.
3) Instead of saying something like if YOU don't want to be in the family, frame it as "I"'s (You's put other people on the defensive). Better would be something like I am prepared to work on our relationship and marriage, and I am sorry but I will not leave our home." It's her choice to leave or not, but your choice of staying you are stating clearly to her.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Yes definitly let my emotions go when the youngest was crying. Thanks fir the kind words. I don't know where I'm gonna get the strength from. Now I feel just beat down. Taking my oldest for a little vacation this week to see grandparents. Hopefully find some peace. Should I have son call her each nite to tell good night or should I just let her call? This morning after I dropped youngest off at school she went after we left to tell him to have a good day....sad
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
not really much, i had an end of season softball game that went well despite feeling like i wanted to die. She had asked me a a year ago to stop playing, so i did. But started up again in the summer, since we where not doing anything and I needed a stress relief. Other than that nothing has been going on to make my life happy... Tomorrow i'm taking my oldest son to a mini-vacation to the coast and a waterpark to have some fun.
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
Bustorama has some good advice. I agree with you, didthehurt, that no matter the situation, you can not do that to your children. You can never put your kids in the middle, make them feel like they have to chose or say bad things about one another.. If you do, in the end, it will come back and bite you.
I understand how she feels. I undetstand being angry and hurt. It is a huge mistake on her part to make the kids suffer for her feelings. Believe me, I would love to tell my kids what a jerk thier father is, but, he IS thier father and they love him. I love him. I wish he was willing to do whatever it took for our marriage, like you are for yours.
I wish he knew how much he hurt me and how horrible I feel. He just doesn't care, though. The good thing is, you do. You know what you did and are trying. It's hard to know what to do or what to say.
I kind of think it may come down to setting her free. My friend gave me this advice:
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn't, it never was."
Easier said than done, I know. But, I know that is my last resort right now. My husband is still having the affiar. Still doesn't care. The fact that she is a 20 year old kid with no job and no car adn depends on him for everying tells me a lot.
Good for his self esteem - he must think he is pretty hot stuff to have a 20 year old (even if she is ugly as anything - and she really is)He has got himself convinced that life would be so great with her. Never mind, he still has not admited anything. Sometimes he has let little things slip, but thats it.
Sorry...got lost a little there, didthehurt.
I wouldn't give up until you know, in your heart and soul, that you did everything possible, everything you could do, to save your marragie. At some point, it may get to be too much and you may need to move on. Definalty go out and do the things you enjoy doing. There is nothing worse then just stitting around waiting for soemthing to happen.
Have a great time with your son. From a mom's perspective, I would have him call her. Focus on your kids. I have heard this a million times on this site - We can only change ourselves. We have no control over anyone else.
Good luck.
Me:36 H:38 Together: 20 years Married: 16 years Kids: 13 & 10 yr. old Discovered affair: 1/10 H denies affair. Refuses to save marraige. Divorce filed: December 2010
Well it's going to be back to reality tomorrow. On this detachment thing should you also detach from the kids? IE stop going to games...etc the whole detachment thing seems bad for the kids...
me 36 W 33 s-6 s-4 together since 1991 married Dec 2000 9years first affair before we where married. Second affair 1/2007 Gone Nov,2007 Back June 2008. ILYBNILY---i cannot believe you did this 7/22/2010
You're confusing detaching with disengaging. Detaching is all about managing your own emotions/feelings. Disengaging is not being a part of someone else's life. Do you want to be a part of your kids lives? If so, you need to detach emotionally from your W so that her actions don't affect your interactions with your kids.
Here's a link to a great site explaining detachment:
