in the beginning, i kept saying .. i don't know why he's making these accusations. and it baffled me. until someone pointed out to me .. 'can't you see? he's pointing out stuff that he doesn't like about himself.'
then you go back and think of the things he's said.. "i don't have confidence in your ability to handle motherhood." "you procrastinate." "you never finish the job." "i think a fair an equitable split would be 80% for me and 20% for you. if you think that 50/50 is fair then you obviously married me for my money. you're a gold digger." "i am tired of putting up with your crying." "i feel like i'm dragging you through my life." "you just want to win." "you're just going to take me for all i'm worth. garnish my wages, take everything."
and the list goes on and on .. i tried to wrap my brain around it for the longest time. and i had no idea where all of this was coming from. until someone told me .. it's projection.
is it telling? likely.
i can use this information and be more compassionate but so what .. he's still siding with them. i figure, we can separate and he can be with his parents all he wants. sooner or later, he has to realize that it isn't me.
My position would be projection as well there... It's good to hear someone else concurs...
It will help you avoid beating yourself up for starters. A lot of spouses hear projection during the affair and they beat themselves senseless trying to improve themselves... In areas that weren't their problem in the first place.
This is why I don't go for the "be a nice person" approach during an affair... There's way too much damn projection... Once that starts happening your spouse will have you tap dancing until you turn blue...
It will help you avoid beating yourself up for starters. A lot of spouses hear projection during the affair and they beat themselves senseless trying to improve themselves... In areas that weren't their problem in the first place.
omg, this is what i have been doing! i'm like .. procrastinating? nothing is ever late. if there was a procrastinator, it was him.
and i never finish the job? uh .. he never finishes the job.
i'm fixing areas of myself that he complained about .. i mean, even though i know it's projection, i'm still working on me.
i'm running circles .. asking myself what's wrong with me?
I am sure there are areas you can sincerely improve on.. But don't take HIS CURRENT PROTESTS as a reliable sample of that...
yes, i'm working on some of my own quirks. i have a look that says "i'm better than you". which i have to stop.
if i were to do something differently about my marriage, i wouldn't have focused on starting a family. i think i wanted to have kids and it took the fun out of sex. it became routine. and my h did raise this as an issue. although it's hard to prove that this has changed. it's too bad because my shipment of VS stuff is hot. oh well.
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His mother has OCD obviously, how much research did you do on her disorder? Did you do any research on that to help smooth the conflict there?
my h researched this. he told me about the disorder that she had. he believe she needed to be on medication. but again, fil and h rather sweep it under the carpet and work around it. if you confront her, she'd cry. and nobody wants to make mom cry.
i could put up with her ocd. it was her lying that i couldn't put up with.
if i kindly told her that she didn't have to do our laundry, she'd tell my h that i was mad at her for trying to help. and then my h would side with her. "she's only trying to help." and i'm like .. i'm not mad. i just told her that she didn't have to do laundry.
she'd start buying stuff for our house and then follow up with "please tell me if i'm being a bossy betty because you know, i'm only trying to help". and you can't say no otherwise, she'll run to my h and tell him that i'm mad at her and that she doesn't feel welcome and she'll threaten to leave. she's pulled that stunt so many times ..
it's that kind of behaviour i cannot put up with. and i haven't even argued with my h about it. when i feel like she's doing that, i walk away. i actually took a breather and left the house for a few hours. it gave mom and son plenty of time to plot against me.
SOme of it I can see you letting go, some of it is clearly excessive...
My question though is how much research did you do?
Not trying to pick on you, I am just showing you areas where you may have done more than you did... I can certainly understand why you would want to avoid doing the research.
The yogurt containers we do that too... Our recycling system here reccomends that you wash plastic before put it in the bin (keeps raccoons and bacteria from building up... It's one thing to feed the wildlife, another for them to eat yogurt that's got germs all over it)
The lying is passive-aggression.. its part of the OCD actaully...
My question though is how much research did you do?
i admit, i didn't do a lot of research. i did do some reading and much of what i found talked about the symptoms and their behaviour. but they also recommend that you suggest the person seek help from a professional. and this is the part that we avoided. it's like we knew but we chose to put up with it.
i understand the thought process that goes on in her head. and the anxiety build up. in her head, she sees it as her being protective or helpful. but to those of us on the receiving end, it's a disorder.
i have tried accomodating but it got to a point where you started questioning your own sanity. and i found myself exhibiting some of the behaviours myself. i was thanking people excessively - 1000 times a day.
it's like you can't drive anywhere in the winter because the roads are slippery and you never know what might happen. so it's best to stay home. don't go anywhere. and if you do go out, she cries and says "how can you be so stupid to drive in this weather?!"
she bought a brand new car that's two years old now .. and has never had an oil change. she puts 400 miles on the car every year. won't drive it because it will get dirty. can't stand a filthy car. why did you spend so much money on a car only to not drive it?
i wash my yogurt containers too but i don't run it through a sani-rinse cycle and heat dry them.
Her lying is her denail. She lives in a world very diffrent from other people's... So when you say something, she hears something very different.. to her its not lying, its what she heard and is sincerely hurt..
Part of her knows its nto what you said, but she can't hold onto that, her disorder takes control.
Is it a disorder? The tehcnical def is that the subject can't live a normal life...
I would say if she's been a major part in destroying her son's marriage and driving her daughter away then its a disorder.
And yes, when her H and son keep quiet they ENABLE her and it just allows the illness to THRIVE...
The only thing I would have given as advice if it was sought from me is to put a plan togehter of what you are willing to do to accomodate her...
Write it down, share it with her... That way she can't LIE to her son.. you just show him the paper and say "see, this is what I said I woudl do to help"... I am very big on putting as much in writing as possible.. I dont' favour verbal exchagnes on delciate topics... its too easy to end up trapped.
Put a list of the things she wants done regularly and do the ones you are ok with... push yourself a bit... Do ssome even if you don't agree with them if they dont' cause inconvenience...
That's the other thing, if she feels like you are keeping the home clean and working with her, then HER ANXIETY is lower as she feels she has support... And will be easier to talk to...
When people RESIST her suggestions her ANXIETY goes up, she gets stressed out and you cant' deal with her...
The SAFER SHE FEELS her WORLD is the easier she is to negotiate with. And that world includes you and her son and your marriage and home...
If you really want to make your marriage work why not meet his mother and try to make some changes ..
I don't knwo if you WANT to do this, but this will veyr likley make the most ground with your H...
If you and his mother can get along then he really looks like the jerk...
I am not saying I sympathise with his mother.. She is doing a lot of harm to a lot of people's lives and using tears to extort peoples' tolerance of the destructive illness..
But I am saying that there are ways you can learn to work with the person with the illness...
I don't drive either, I have a license, but I hate driving, and for the same reason.. I am a tidy person myself, I understand her concern... Its HOW she manages the concern that's the probelm.
But I think accomodating her half way may reduce her panic and make her easier to work with... That and keeping as much in writing as you can...
The biggest problem is your H hasn't grown up, partly a result of this disorder I'm sure...
